Hey there, this is Clay and today I'm answering a question that somebody sent in and the question
is basically just, you know, they broke up them in their ex, said that they would still
be friends, but this person says, you know, why won't my ex even respond to me, you know,
we said we'd be friends, but she's avoiding me like the plague.
How do I even get her to respond to me?
And this is a really common situation.
So I don't want you to feel bad if you're going through this.
But here's typically what happens.
Okay? a lot of times people, when they break up with someone else, so your ex, when your
ex, breaks up with you, they'll, they'll often say something like, you know, oh, well, we
can still be friends.
Let's be friends.
Because a lot of times they feel guilty for leaving the relationship.
They feel guilty for causing you pain with this breakup.
And they want to try and soften that blow by saying like, you know, oh, hey, you know,
yeah, I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with you, but we can still, you know, see
each other in a platonic way as friends or something like that.
And it's kind of like, not as, as painful as like, you know, yeah, I hate you, I never
want to see you again.
I'm out of your life.
One hundred percent forever.
Go take a hike.
You know, some, sometimes people don't want to come off as the bad guy really inflicting
that extra wound of pain on you by saying something like that.
So they'll try and soften the blow by saying, you know, let's, let's still be friends.
We can still be friends.
I still want to be friends with you or something like that.
And, so, so really what's going on is, is, you know, we've, we talked about this before
in previous videos, but when two people break up, there are two emotions that are created,
right?
Obviously you as the person who is dumped our feeling and emotion of, of rejection,
of hurt, of, of you know, not being, not having the person that you, that you love in your
life and that hurts, but your ex is also fueling this very strong emotion and that emotion
is of guilt, of guilt, guilt of, you know, walking away from that relationship, guilt
of inflicting pain on someone else.
You know, when you sit down with someone and you have that conversation when you, when
you say, you know, hey, we need to talk.
I can't do this anymore.
And the other person just burst into tears and says they'll do anything to get you back.
But you know, you've thought about this for weeks or months and this is something you're
absolutely committed to doing and you still want to walk away.
You know, you feel so guilty, you feel so guilty for, for hurting that other person,
for making that person feel bad.
And nobody wants to think of themselves as a bad guy who goes out there and intentionally
causes pain.
Who intentionally makes other people cry.
Nobody wants to do that.
And so, what your ex is feeling in this situation is guilt and, what you, what you, what you
really want to understand is oftentimes they'll try to alleviate this guilt by doing things
like playing the friend's card, as they did in this situation here.
So what should you do from here?
Well, first of all, I want you to understand that you and your ex are not friends.
Okay?
Clearly you are not pursuing a platonic relationship with them.
You, you want to have a romantic relationship with them.
You want to date them, you want to be together with them, the way that you were in the past.
Maybe even in a more committed sense.
I don't know.
But first of all, let's, let's be honest with ourselves here.
You don't want to be friends with them.
You want to be in a dating relationship with them.
You want this woman to be your girlfriends.
If you're the guy writing in a, the suppliers just the same amount to women out there who
want the guy to peter the boyfriend as well.
But go ahead and be honest with yourself here.
You want a romantic relationship.
And the second thing to realize is that, you know, yes, they did play this card on you
in many cases just to kind of alleviate their own guilt to kind of soften the blow to you.
So it doesn't hurt you as much, because, you know, yes, they do still have feelings for
you.
Yes, they do still care for you.
You know, this isn't a totally heartless act here on their part.
And what you need to do is recognize number one, you're not friends, number two, you know,
they are acting from a place of guilt.
And number three is that you're not going to be able to use friendship as like this
sneaky backdoor back into the relationship or you know, you can, you know, help her study
for her exam every day of the week and you can, you know, take her to the state fair
and take her to the mall and all that stuff and fairy her and her friends around and stuff,
you know, basically a glorified chaperone or something like that.
And somehow through the, the, the sheer generosity and niceness of every gesture you make, that
somehow she's going to fall in love with you again.
That's not gonna happen.
You're not going to use friendship, as the backdoor.
It's simply isn't going to work.
What you need to do is you need to go and you need to do what we've recommended through
active, no contact.
Big One here.
Don't do the regular no contact rule that everyone else is telling you about.
That is a bunch of bs.
It will not work.
Do active no contact.
We talk about that on the website relationshipinnergame.com.
If you're new, go sign up there will tell you more about that, but go ahead and do active
no contact.
Follow through with that.
And then after that period is over, you can reach out and engage in a, in a, in a, in
a much more romantic sense, as kind of like a dating scenario rather than just trying
to, you know, be your ex's best friends and, you know, all that kind of sort of sad stuff
where you're like trying to be like super ultra nice or something, you know, like the
whole doormat kind of thing.
That's not cool.
It's not what you want to do.
It's not going to get you the results that you want.
So again, I hope this helped clarify your situation.
Hope you can understand things a little bit more from your ex's situation and why she
may have said that to you, why she may have really put the friends thing out there when
she really didn't want it.
And I hope that you can kind of be honest with yourself and realize that you don't really
want to be friends with this person.
You want a much deeper relationship.
And I hope that I've given you maybe the first step to take to kind of get back on track
towards having that relationship.
And again, if you're new to all this, please head on over to relationshipinnergame.com
and sign up there so that we can start helping you today.
Thanks.