Once upon a time, some 650 years ago, there was a man. A man who wanted to be a monarch, but was just a cattle thief
A man who wanted to be the ruler of the Mongol Empire, but couldn’t because he wasn’t related to Genghis Khan
A man who wanted to be the ruler of the Muslim world, but couldn’t because he wasn’t related to Mohammad’s tribe
Meet Timur, ruler of the Mongol Empire and the Muslim world
Timur was known by the Persians and the Europeans as Tamerlane, which actually means Timur the Lame
Most historical sources agree that he earned this nickname because he was shot
With arrows in his right leg and arm, which crippled him
However, Tooky sources reveal that he got his nickname by making really bad puns
Timur lived in Samarkand. He was a cattle thief with a small group of followers
During one of their heists he got his lame injuries
He was also a part of the Chagatai Khanate army and soon became an army leader
After the death of the khan, the new khan faced many land claims, but had Timur on his side
He sent Timur to negotiate with an invading khan
So, Timur went and negotiated that he would switch sides and help the invaders
An amir came to dispute the new khan and Timur switched sides again
He did this a couple of times until everyone was weak enough for Timur to defeat them easily and start his reign
Timur wanted to be the khan, but he couldn’t, because only the descendants of Genghis Khan were able to have that title
Timur put a pretty useless guy as the khan, and became an all-powerful amir
He also wanted to become a caliph, but couldn’t
Because only the descendants of Mohammad’s tribe were able to have that title
So he worked on creating a myth that he was helped by Allah
Which wasn’t really hard to believe because Timur never really failed at anything
Timur devoted the rest of his life expanding his empire
However, he wasn’t reckless about it, he always had to have a reason for invading
Though, to be fair, many of the reasons were really not that big of a deal and many he invented himself
He was winning in a war against a neighboring khanate and sent help to Golden Horde against Russians
Then Timur’s attention turned to Persia, who struggled with many internal issues after the death of their monarch
All of eastern Persia fell to Timur, greeting him with either immediate surrender or pathetic resistance
Thinking Timur was too busy with Persia, the khan of Golden Horde successfully invaded Timur’s empire
Which, in hindsight, he really shouldn’t have because Timur went after him
Followed him deep into Russia and defeated and dethroned him. Timur occupied Moscow for a year
Having heard that Timur was in Moscow, the Persians decided to rebel and restore their territories
Which, in hindsight, they really shouldn’t have because Timur went after them, defeated them and took over again
Timur was a devoted environmentalist and thought
That Genghis Khan’s "Make 10 children every day" policy was a bit over the top
So, he decided to take the issue of overpopulation into his own hands
Every time a town wouldn’t immediately surrender, Timur would burn down the whole city
Without allowing it to be repaired with stone
He ordered many of the towers to be made out of skulls that belonged to the citizens
He would massacre the whole population of towns, and the death toll behind Timur counts up to 17m people
Which was about 5% of the world population at the time
Once his rule of Persia was undisputed, Timur thought he heard of Muslims being too tolerant of Hindus in India
If you think that that is not a good enough reason for invading, I have some bad news for you
You are never going to restore the Mongol Empire
Timur marched towards Delhi, killing pretty much everyone in sight while on the way
He defeated the sultan of Delhi, killing most of the residents and destroyed the city
Delhi was not rebuilt for more than a century
With Timur in India, sultans of the Ottomans and Egypt decided to take a chip of Timur’s empire
Which, in hindsight, they really shouldn’t have because Timur went after them, defeated them
And took over Syria, Baghdad, Damascus, Anatolia, Ankara and Smyrna
In Baghdad, around 20.000 people were killed and all the monuments destroyed
Timur decided to greet the beginning of the new century with an invasion of China
But during the preparation, he fell ill and died
So, a cattle thief became a conqueror of the world. Not bad, don’t you think?