- There's a lot of White people here.
(audience laughing)
I'm mean to White people when I'm on stage.
I'm trying to work on it, but (grunts).
In my real life, I'm nice.
For real, I keep it light.
You know what I mean?
Fun shit, like, here's a fun argument I was having
with one of my friends, one of my White friends.
One of my White friends said,
"Bob Dylan is the greatest lyricist of all time."
(audience laughing)
Nothing in life infuriates me more.
You could be like, "Black lives don't matter,
"and Bob Dylan's great."
And I'll be like, "What was the second thing you said?"
(audience laughing)
We was arguing.
He was like, "I'm gonna just put you onto some Bob Dylan."
And I was like, "All right, bet, do it, he sucks."
And I don't know if he sucks.
I've never heard him before.
(audience laughing)
But I listened to him and nah, yeah, he is good.
(audience laughing)
He's great, he's the best ever.
Fuck you guys, I don't care.
You ever lose an argument so hard you become a fan?
(audience laughing)
This nigga played me one track on YouTube.
I was like, "This nigga Bob Dylan got bars."
Can I read y'all my favorite Bob Dylan lyrics I found?
(audience cheering)
I wrote 'em down.
They're in my phone.
Here we go.
He said, "No Compass comes with this life, just eyes.
"So to map it out, you must look inside.
"Sure, books can guide you, but your heart defines."
Yeah, isn't that beautiful?
Yeah, that's Jay-Z.
Fuck Bob Dylan! (audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
This nigga in the back is a whole fan.
Halfway through the joke,
halfway through the joke, he was like (chuckling).
(all laughing)
Speaking of Jay-Z, how y'all feel
about the artist formerly known as Kanye West?
(audience laughing)
I'm a Kanye fan and nigga, it is hard work.
There is no worse job
in America than being a Kanye West fan.
It's like being a lawyer with no evidence.
(audience laughing)
Every day, he's just saying the wildest shit imaginable.
And I'm like, "Yo, but the beats though."
I'm running out of arguments, man.
This is my final.
You know what, I'll say this, he's good for us.
Well, Black people, that's what I mean by us.
He's good for us, he is.
You know why?
Because we deserve to have a crazy nigga too.
(audience laughing)
That's right, White people got Britney.
Don't act like it's not the same thing.
Every day, Britney Spears wakes up, gets butt ass naked,
fuck the stuff, she posts it to Instagram
and everybody's like, "Good thing she's free."
(audience laughing)
I don't like when people say they want the old Kanye back.
I've been a Kanye fan my whole life,
nigga, the same Kanye.
He's been crazy the whole time.
You think that shit was normal
when in the prime of his career with everything to lose,
he went on live TV and said,
"George Bush doesn't care about Black people."
(audience laughing)
That's some crazy ass behavior.
(audience laughing)
He wants to run for president.
That's a lot, I'll admit, that's a lot.
I'm gonna vote for him, but that's a lot.
(audience laughing)
I am, I'm gonna vote for him.
I have two reasons.
The first reason is he is my favorite rapper, simple.
I like Joe Biden, but he's never made me dance.
(audience laughing)
The second reason more important,
I think he's the Black president White America deserves.
(audience laughing)
That's right, we gave White people Obama
and they didn't get their act together, Kanye.
(audience laughing)
People talk about privilege,
all privilege is the ability to be mediocre, that's all.
Trump wasn't the first shitty White president we had.
We had so many, and we took 'em in stride.
I want a shitty Black president.
Nigga, that's equality. (audience laughing)
Everybody's like, "I'm not racist, I voted for Obama."
Nigga, vote for Kanye. (audience laughing)
Voting for Obama doesn't mean you're not racist,
it means you're not dumb.
It was an easy pick, okay.
Obama is to presidency what Lil Wayne is to rap.
You know what I mean by that?
(audience applauding)
You ever see Lil Wayne, and you're like,
"Well, of course he's a rapper,
"what the fuck else would he be?"
(audience laughing)
You're never gonna walk into a bank
and Lil Wayne approves you on a loan.
(audience laughing)
It's cash money, baby, no. (audience laughing)
Martin had a dream.
This is my dream.
I want Kanye to fuck this country up.
I do, I want him to reconcile with Kim.
That's right, first Lady Kardashian in the Oval Office,
knocking shit over on the desk with her fake butt.
I want there to be like a nuclear fallout,
and Kanye West has to address the nation.
We're all glued to our TV screens, nervous as a country.
We need a leader.
And they're like, "Now President Ye."
(audience laughing)
He comes out in a red blazer
with his chest hair showing,
freshest pair of Yeezy slides you've ever seen.
He's got the Yeezy mask covering his face.
Walks right up to the podium, "I am a god."
I'll be at home like, "Fuck yeah, Kanye ruin this country."
I've been working on this Kanye for president joke
for his taping and you guys liked it,
but this crowd one night, they loved it.
They went crazy for real.
They fucking loved it.
And this one lady in the back stood up
at the end of the joke and she was like,
"Stop laughing, stop, it's not funny."
(audience laughing)
And everybody was like,
"Fuck, I'm about to lose my job, nigga."
(audience laughing)
And she pointed at me,
she pointed at me in the middle of the crowd.
She pointed out, she was like,
"How could you vote for someone
"who said anti-Semitic things?"
Yeah, and I said, "Bitch, this is a joke."
(audience laughing and applauding)
I would never vote for Kanye West.
He's my favorite rapper.
I trust him with beats not the button.
(audience laughing)
Also, if you want an answer to that question
you should ask 81% of the Orthodox Jewish community
that voted for Donald Trump.
(audience laughing)
Oh! (audience applauding)
This Black Jew war has been my favorite time writing jokes
if I'm being honest.
For real, Kanye and Kyrie started bugging out,
I was like, "Nigga, where's my pen?
"Where's my pen?" (audience laughing)
Because I'm half Jewish, I am half Jewish, yeah.
- Woo!
- Okay, yeah, I'm half Jewish
and I've never pulled my Jew card until now.
(audience laughing)
I saw niggas getting in trouble and I was like,
"Wait, wait, wait, what's this?
(audience laughing)
Safe (laughing). (audience laughing)
Say whatever the fuck I want.
It's tricky, you know what I mean?
Because I don't know if y'all realize this,
Jews are the only White people
that have ever successfully called Black people racist.
Isn't that weird?
Ever think about that?
All the other White people tried.
They're like, "Black people are racist."
Everybody's like, "Black people can't be racist."
And then Jewish people were like, "Black people are racist."
And everybody was like, "Yeah, good point, good point."
(audience laughing)
It's tricky, it's confusing
'cause Black people do say anti-Semitic things,
but it's by accident.
You know what I mean?
That sounds like a cop out.
Hear me out. (audience laughing)
All right, think about it.
Racism against Black people
is like negative stereotypes, right?
It's like you don't take care of your kids,
you kill each other, you sell drugs.
You say all that shit, it hurts our feelings.
We be like, "Damn, that hurt."
And then we see Jewish people and we are like,
"Y'all are good at business."
And everybody's like, "That's hate."
And we're like, "What?" (audience laughing)
Very confusing.
I'm half Jewish, I get it.
If you compliment a Jewish person,
later on it can turn out bad, right?
But it only turns out bad
'cause of the other White people,
that's not a Black problem.
You know what I mean?
Black people are very innocent in this equation.
We're just complimenting. (audience laughing)
Seriously, Black people are like Jews are good at business.
Then other White people are like, "Too good."
(audience laughing)
We like, "Hey man, chill out.
"All I'm saying is they're killing it."
And they're like, "Yeah, we should kill 'em."
(audience laughing)
Speaking of which, that was some wild shit Ye said.
Wasn't that wild?
The nigga said he loves Hitler.
Fam, as a Kanye fan, I was like,
"Dawg, you are tying my hands right now."
(audience laughing)
I don't know how to fucking defend that.
You can't defend that.
That's some wild shit.
You remember the first time he pissed off White people?
You remember what he did?
You can yell it out.
- Taylor Swift. - Taylor.
(audience laughing)
Nigga, I hope the mic picked you up for real.
(audience laughing)
That's right, every White woman in America,
"Fuck the Jews, not our queen."
(audience laughing)
Taylor, Taylor!
You remember how he won White America's heart back over?
You remember what he did?
"My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy", fire.
Fuck how you feel about Kanye nigga,
you've danced to "All of the lights" before.
(audience laughing)
It's a masterpiece from start to finish.
He dropped that one album, everybody was like,
"You know what, fuck Taylor.
"I don't care." (audience laughing)
All right, so now he said, "I love Hitler."
And I'm just like (giggling), "He about to drop some shit!"
(audience laughing)