- I'm professional nasty little boy,
and this is the "Gosh Darn (bleeps) News."
- [Announcer] Today, J.K. Rowling my eyes so damn hard.
This isn't what you think it is.
A cringey cat segment.
- Ooh, I love it so much!
- [Announcer] A bad wig.
- That's (bleeps) tight.
- [Announcer] And, who's canceled now?
Live from three days ago,
it's hand lotion model Shayne Topp.
- A flu virus with pandemic potential
has been found in China, which means racists
might have to start calling coronavirus
by its actual name.
It's also exciting because now we have a new way to die,
it really spices up my day-to-day anxiety.
2020 just really knows how to get me.
And now let's see how the YouTube beauty community is doing.
(flames crackling) (man screaming)
MrBeast released a mobile game
called "Finger on the App,"
where participants hold their finger on their phone screen,
and the last person to take it off
wins a cash prize of up to $25,000.
I didn't bother playing it,
since my fingering skills are worthless.
I just get nervous.
In other news, J.K. Rowling has tripled down
on being a piece of (bleep).
At a city council meeting in Florida,
a woman stated she doesn't wear a mask
for the same reason she doesn't wear underwear,
"Things gotta breathe."
Here to talk about why wearing a mask is sexy
is Sexy Carl.
- Hey, what up, buff-ass Shayne? (chuckling)
Hey, it's Sexy Carl here, and I'm just here to tell you
that masks are sexy.
Baby, when you wear a mask,
there could be anything under there.
And I love a surprise.
- I mean, I don't really think
there's anything special underneath.
- There would be some spinach under there.
There's definitely moisture. (chuckling)
Masks are like g-strings for your face. (chuckling)
And I play guitar.
Hey, why don't you slip on that mask real quick?
Show me what that mask do, baby.
- Oh, I don't think I can pull it off.
- Come on, baby Shay Shay, you can do it.
- I'm just so nervous.
- Come on, just put it on top.
- Okay. Here goes.
- Yeah. (chuckling)
Yeah, that's what Daddy likes. (chuckling)
You know what's not sexy, baby Shayne?
- What?
- Bones.
- Oh.
- You know teeth are bones, right?
And you gotta cover 'em up.
- Do you just speak in pick-up lines?
- (laughs) Is it working?
- A little.
- Then stop complaining.
- Thank you, Sexy Carl.
- You're welcome, Shaynie bang bang.
(giggling)
- Kanye West is running for President,
and if you're playing apocalypse bingo at home,
you can go ahead and stop,
'cause I just won.
No, but seriously, this is the first time
we've had a topical sketch come out on time.
Four years early, but for us, that's pretty good.
Uber offered to buy Postmates for $2.65 billion.
But after the service fee and tip,
they decided to eat at home instead.
Students in Alabama are throwing COVID-19 parties,
where the first person to get the virus wins money.
COVID-19 party, or as I would like to call it,
a party, any party in 2020 is a COVID-19 party.
The only person enjoying the party is a virus, so stop.
Advertisers are boycotting Facebook in response
to the platform spreading hate speech and disinformation.
Here to talk about it is social media expert, Noah Grossman.
- Hey, Shayne.
Of course advertisers are leaving Facebook, now.
It's easy to do now that it sucks.
Let's be honest.
The only thing Facebook is good for is reminding you
that it's your aunt's birthday.
And no, aunt Cathy, I'm not gonna donate
to Books for Dogs for your birthday,
because I don't believe in charity, or dogs.
Also I'm mad broke.
Look, it's all about Instagram,
and it has been for years now.
- Um, you do realize Facebook owns Instagram, right?
- Yeah, yeah, I totally knew that, Shayne.
Facebook is really just Instagram's racist dad.
We all got one,
and I happen to love my racist dad,
because he pays my bills, huh?
Look, anyway, everyone's moving to TikTok,
and it is great over there, all sunshine.
- I'm pretty sure TikTok is the worst
when it comes to data mining.
They're very invasive,
and they're definitely stealing your information.
- What? No, Shayne, no, no, no, no.
That's not what's happening.
That's not la la la la la la.
- It's definitely happening.
♪ TikTok is great, it is my favorite place ♪
♪ TikTok is so great, la ♪
- If you've given up on your summer,
by the way, I have,
you're probably eating a lot of comfort food right now,
so here to share one of his famous comfort food recipes
is food expert, Keith Leak Jr.
(upbeat music)
- Yo, today, I'm gonna show you
how to make some of my favorite comfort foods,
spicy chicken and a baked potato.
So your first step is to go to Wendy's yesterday.
(bag rattling)
You gonna wanna order two identical meals
of spicy chicken nuggets and a baked potato. (sniffing)
Next, you'll go home, eat one meal,
and leave another meal out for a few hours
while you take a nap.
When you wake up from that nap,
you gonna remember you got another meal.
And you'll debate eating it for about six say minutes
before puttin' it in the fridge.
And then the next mornin' at about 2:00 p.m.,
take everything out of the refrigerator
and start with the nuggets.
You don't wanna waste a plate,
so you'll take one of the greasy napkins
out of the bag, and place some nuggets on that napkin
before microwaving 'em for about 20 seconds.
Now, I'm gonna show you one of the more advanced techniques
of today's lesson.
Before you microwave the potato,
scrape the sour cream off and place it on a napkin.
(sour cream splattering)
And when the potato comes out of the microwave,
you'll carefully drizzle the sour cream
back on that potato.
You're definitely gonna get some bits of napkins
in your sour cream, but it's gonna give it
more of like a homemade and rustic feel, you know?
And there you have it, a delicious meal
that's gonna absolutely make you (bleep) your pants.
Back to you, Shayne. (sniffing)
- And now it's time to go to our travel correspondent,
Olivia Sui, with our City of the Day.
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] What's the city?
♪ It's the City of the Day ♪
Where's the city?
Who's the city?
♪ City of the Day ♪
Are you a city?
I'm not a city.
♪ City of the Day ♪
- Macomb, Illinois.
(electronic beeping)
♪ City of the Day ♪
- And now we go to Damien for our sports highlights.
Damien, this should be pretty short,
since obviously, there's not any sports happening.
- Not true, Shayne.
There're sports going on all around you.
You just have to know where to look.
- Damien, no.
- Too late! Roll the highlights!
First up, something for all you football fans out there.
Freya Haas holding on to that ball for dear life.
There's no way she's losing or gaining yards.
But more importantly, look at their little tummies,
and their little toe-beans!
Ooh, I love it so much!
Zola, Zola, how are you feeling about that loss?
How are you feeling with that floofy little tummy,
how can you be so little and so big at the same time?
And they've got big old dumb cute little faces,
and their big old stupid dumb eyes,
and they're just little beans,
and they're just lying there, ooh!
And finally, that brings us to the sport
everyone's been waiting for, extreme hiding.
Where did my babies go?
Boom! There they are!
You couldn't hide from my cuteness radar, ooh!
Freya, you can do better,
you sweet little pumpkin baby!
- Uh, the segment was supposed to be sports, but whatever.
I guess that was Damien with-
- Cat of the week! Meow!
- And now for our most confusing segment
that you're not gonna understand at all,
it's a "Hot Take from Another Era."
- Hey, it's your boy, Thad,
reporting from the Salem witch trials.
Yeah, so I know this is kind of a controversial take,
but I'm just gonna go out there and say it.
I don't think these women are witches.
I just think they're cool chicks.
Like who goes out in the forest,
like builds a big-ass bonfire
and dances around it naked?
That sounds like a cook chick to me.
Also, I hear they float in bodies of water.
That's (bleep) tight.
Anyway, I'm sure things are much better for you guys,
you got your women's equality,
and you know, I'm sure
you gave the natives their land back and stuff,
but things are tough out here.
Especially for the women and the natives.
(chuckling nervously)
(gagging awkwardly)
- In trending news, Chris Evans has been canceled on Twitter
with #ChrisEvansIsOverParty,
so I took it upon myself to go undercover
and find out, why is this trending?
It was early Tuesday morning in Hollywood, California,
when I saw that #ChrisEvansIsOverParty was trending.
While there were many over parties this weekend,
this one particularly caught my eye.
I wanted to know why America canceled America's ass.
So I did what any good investigative journalist would do,
I went digging for answers.
When I searched the hashtag,
all that popped up was scores and scores
of K-pop memes and videos, but nothing about Chris Evans
and why he was canceled, which got me thinking,
why are there only K-pop videos when I search the hashtag?
Could this be a joke, or maybe even a false lead?
No, this could only mean one thing.
Someone is burying this story. Ah, squirrel!
The Screen Actors Guild, or SAG for short,
is a union that all actors are forced to join
when they find any amount of success.
Everyone from Brad Pitt
to Flo from the Progressive commercials
is a member of this elite group.
If anyone would know why America's Captain, Chris Evans,
is over, it would be SAG.
It's time to go undercover.
(sneaky spy music)
I am famous actor Michael Chiklis.
I played the Thing in "The Fantastic Four."
I'm call it, what is wrong, where is Chris?
It's time to get some answers.
(phone ringing)
- [Announcer] Thank you for calling SAG-AFTRA.
If you are experiencing an emergency on set
and need to speak to a representative.
- I'd say this is an emergency.
- [Announcer] Please press one.
- [Allison] SAG-AFTRA Los Angeles, this is Allison.
May I ask who's speaking?
- Hi, this is famous actor Michael Chiklis.
You may know me from playing the Thing in "Fantastic Four."
I recently saw that #ChrisEvansIsOverParty
is trending on Twitter, and as a good friend
and old colleague of Chris,
I would like to know why he's canceled.
- [Allison] Sir, this line is for set emergencies only,
plus we don't comment on our clients' personal lives.
- Then can you just give me Chris' phone number,
so I can ask him myself?
I seem to have misplaced it.
(phone beeping)
Hello? She hung up.
Obviously, I got too close and was being shut out.
The trail had gone cold.
(water splashing)
(intense music)
(bat cracking)
And that's when I got the most important call of my life.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
- [Monica] Shayne, this segment's going too long.
- I know, but this-
- [Monica] Look, I said the segment could be 90 seconds,
and we're at 90 seconds.
By the way, did you shave off that (bleeps) mustache yet?
- I guess we'll never know why Chris Evans is canceled,
but if I had to guess, it's because he stole my look.
(laughing) We look the exact same.
Oh, Christopher Robert Evans.
2020 has given all of us a lot of anxiety and stress,
but nothing soothes the soul like good music.
So here to give us a preview from their new album
is indie, folk, hair metal, pop, city pop,
punk, punk rock, death metal band, Gentle Jaguar.
Chill wave.
- What's up, GDFN?
We're Gentle Jaguar.
- This song's called "Harmony Together"
from our album, "Friendships Never Sink."
- One, two, three, four.
(cymbal crashing) - Uh, wait a minute, hold on.
Quick question. Are we starting on three?
- No, we're starting on four,
because music is counted in four.
- Yeah, Roger, when have we ever started on three?
- Yeah, Roger. - Sorry, sorry, you're right.
My voice got me in trouble again.
Can we just start from the top?
- Yeah.
- One, two, three, four.
- Oh, sorry. (recorder tweeting feebly)
Things froze for me.
Can we count off one more time?
My bad, guys.
- Yeah, I think there's a little bit of a delay
over here as well.
- Okay, I know what to do.
How about we all count to three,
and then we can figure out where the delay is off?
- Yeah.
- Just say all at the same time.
- That's a pretty good idea.
- One, two, three. - Yeah, one, two.
(all four counting over each over)
- Ich, nee, san! - Okay, okay, all right.
So I figured it out.
So I should start on two,
Taylor, you should start on three,
Sven and Allie, you should start on like a 2 1/2.
- 2 1/2, I was thinkin' the same thing.
- 2 1/2 sounds good.
- One, two, three.
- Oh, oh, snaps.
He must have got disconnected.
I don't know, is there any way we can just play
without a drummer? (explosive drumming)
- Oh, god, Taylor's back.
Taylor, Taylor, stop drumming, cut!
- What, what, what, what happened?
Do I have to count back in?
- Yeah, sorry, I think you got disconnected there
for a bit.
(screaming frustratedly)
- Stupid! My bad, guys, I'm sorry.
I just, I, I didn't pay my internet bill,
so it's really spotty,
so I'm having to use it from my phone hotspot,
it's just, I totally biffed it up, I'm sorry!
I'm bad Taylor!
- Taylor, Taylor! - Bobby, no, it's fine.
- You're all good, you're our backbone, baby.
We need you.
- Sorry, sorry, that was not very chill of me, I'm sorry.
- From the top, let's do it.
- One, two, three, four.
(oddly discordant music)
(groaning)
(chanting in gibberish)
(operatic warbling)
♪ Sometime you're dying to forget about it ♪
- And finally today,
the internet moves fast, and your timeline probably looks
a lot different now than it did a few weeks ago.
But, people are still protesting the racial injustices
and inequality in this country and around the world.
Black Lives Matter, and they always will.
That's our show.
See you next time.
- [Announcer] This has been the "Gosh Darn (bleeps) News."
We'll see you next month.
(upbeat music)