Hi, I'm Paul Friedman founder of The Marriage Foundation. In this video which
is not pretty we're going to talk about if you've discovered infidelity what you
could do, what you shouldn't do and like. But before we do that I want to explain
to you, that infidelity does not mean it is the end of your marriage. I want you
to understand that your marriage is a whole think of it as a living plant
and when a plant is well taken care of when you just give it the basics the
water that it needs, the food that it needs, protect it from the bugs. Well then
that plant will do well but if you don't then what happens is the bugs see a
weakness they come in, diseases hit the plant, leaves turn brown, you have all
kinds of symptoms and this is what happens in marriages. A lot of people
don't understand this because of how marriages are typically approached when
there's a problem it's approached by attacking the
symptoms. Okay, what happened, but that doesn't work. What works is healing the
plant, healing the marriage that is what needs to happen and there's just no
getting around that because the symptom of infidelity is a
huge one. It means that the marriage plant, the marriage is really close to an
end and it's been working its way towards that for quite a long time.
So, it's a different premise I know but we've been saving thousands of marriages
that have hit this line where people think "Oh my God, it's all over. My husband
has cheated on me. He's cheated on me with my best friend. He's cheated on me
with his old girlfriend. He's got in Tinder or whatever." No, it's not at
all the end of your marriage. You can revive your marriage but there are
certain things you should not do. This is the biggest problem that we run into is
that when a wife discovers her husband has been cheating she confronts him. So
this is rule number one, don't confront him it isn't going to work. The reason
why it's not going to work is because when people are confronted their mind is
telling them that they're being attacked and we are driven primarily by our drive
to survive because we're biological. I've heard one person describe it as we are
angels in an animal body because we're Souls, essentially we're Souls but
because we're in this body the drive to survive from our body is telling the
mind, "Watch out, watch out, watch out." So your husband, when you confront him he's
gonna feel threatened and he's going to do one of two things and you know this.
He's either gonna fight or fly, right? That's what happens
so either way it's not going to be a good thing so don't confront him, what
should you do instead, pull back. You got to get yourself educated about what is
really going on in your marriage, what have you been doing that's not working
so that you could start addressing that and calm things down. Now, in order to do
that you have to calm yourself down first, and that requires some effort as
well. But if you're not coming from a calm place you're not going to make good
decisions. Once you are in a calm place why, then you could start addressing your
marriage so the first thing to remember: don't confront, remain loving, and then
calm yourself down. Get into a space where you are you, you
the soul. Now I'm going to share something with you that most people
simply don't know but you're gonna see how obvious it is, and you're gonna go
how come people don't know this and that's basically what I asked too. So you
have to ask yourself, why is my husband cheating on me?
Here's the thing. Men are not women, men are not connected to their hearts the
way women are for biological reasons. Women are connected to their hearts
because they become mothers. And so, if they're not connected to their heart
who's going to take care of this child because children are tough work. So women
are naturally connected to their hearts due to a lack of education, women don't
realize that men are not connected to their hearts, women think that he's just
like me only he's a guy and I love him for it. So, what does this mean? This means
that in life women connect very easily with each other because your hearts are
somewhat opened. Men don't have that, men are the warriors of the two genders and
so they're closed off. Now the only time that a man felt unconditional love was
when he was a baby from his mother and now what's he looking for when he
gets married it isn't sex; it's that same unconditional love. So you
may want to ask yourself, have I been providing unconditional love for my
husband? Some of you might go, "Well, he's been a jerk or he's been this or he's
been that." I'm telling you now that's the wrong approach, that's not going to help.
So evaluate what you have going on, think about it because you have a choice right
now. You could save your marriage or you could end your marriage.
I suggest you save it. I've seen thousands get saved. I've seen very few
not saved when the work is done so you might as well go for it because you have
a a lot invested into your marriage and
you might as well go for it correctly and go for that unconditional love. Go
for the love and harmony that should define your marriage too. Hopefully,
this was helpful and maybe you could share it with others or maybe you don't
want to because it's kind of personal but you could like it. If you want to add
a comment or a question, please do so and I'll get back to you.
So blessings to you, blessings to your husband, blessings to your family.
Thank you.