♪♪
-Seals don't bark. Sea lions do.
I said "emu."
I was told it's pronounced "eem-you."
This according to our many Australian viewers,
and I do take their word on it because they're the experts
in [bleep] weird-looking animals.
Donald Trump said he could declassify material
just by thinking it, and we made a joke --
"Great, now Trump has the shining."
A bunch of you,
I guess, are fans of the book "The Shining," and the movie.
And you said the actual power is "the shine."
"The Shining" is just the name of the book.
Here's an example of one of the many things that was written.
"The power is called the shine.
It's only the book and movie, which is called 'The Shining.'
Also, that's not how the shine works.
You can have mental discussions with other shine possessors
and you can see visions of the past and future.
You can't make things happen.
Plus, that's a different Big Wheel knock-off
than the one Danny has in the film.
Plus plus, Danny isn't on his Big Wheel knock-off
in that particular scene.
That's the scene where he walks to room 237
and is wearing the Apollo 11 sweater."
And I just want to say something about people
who are super into the movie "The Shining."
They're not creepy!
[ Laughter ]
Don't be scared!
If someone comes over to you at the dinner party
and talks, you know, about,
like, intricate details of "The Shining,"
that doesn't mean they're a bad person you should be scared of.
[ Light laughter ]
We referenced the White House Correspondents Dinner
I did in 2011.
And I said, you know, that happened when I was a kid.
And one of you kindly pointed out,
"You were 37 then.
That's old as [bleep] LOL."
[ Laughter ]
Which I looked up
and means "laugh out loud."
[ Laughter ]
The nerve!
We had a joke about a Canadian kid
breaking a world record for the most socks
put on in 30 seconds
and said it was because
her dad wouldn't let her touch the thermostat.
And the thermostat we showed was in Fahrenheit.
And multiple Canadian viewers
said that should have been in Celsius.
But I'd just like to say to our Canadian viewers,
you can switch now.
She's gone.
[ Laughter ]
I get it -- you held out,
out of respect.
But she's gone now.
[ Laughter ]
I respect what you did.
Elmer's glue -- apologies -- is not made out of horse,
which we implied during this week's Ya Burnt.
It is made out of polyvinyl acetate,
polyvinyl alcohol, and polyvinyl glycol.
And this is cool. I looked it up.
Polyvinyl glycol, if you don't know,
is made of the bones of Shetland ponies.
[ Laughter ]
Last week's correction was sponsored by Pizza Hut.
And I referenced the fact that based on how well it went
and based on the reach of "Corrections,"
they would probably be a bidding war
to see who this week's sponsor was.
We said Jacques Cousteau...
[ Laughter ]
We said Jacques Cousteau had a prank show
in the '60s on Canal+.
Canal+ did not exist until 1984.
Until 1975, in fact,
I was told by some of our French jackals,
France only had one channel.
Only one channel was in France until 1975.
And that's why everyone in France
has a mistress.
Or mistress.
Because, you know, if you'd seen the show
that was on that night, you would go --
the only other thing you could do
was go have sex outside the marriage.
You'd be watching TV and you'd be like,
[ French accent ] "Oh, 'Sanford et Fils'?"
[ Light laughter ]
"Ehh, le homme de six million dollar?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Fall does not have a solstice.
It has an equinox.
Spring also doesn't have a solstice.
It has a Planet Fitness.
[ Laughter ]
Baze.
[ Laughter ]
Just stop submitting.
[ Laughter ]
You don't get -- you just don't get what this is.
[ Laughter ]
I said you could trust Wanda Sykes to the point
that if she told you something, you could take it to the grave.
Everyone corrected me and said the expression is
"take it to the bank."
I do know what happened, what went wrong.
I keep my money in a grave.
[ Laughter ]
My grandmother's grave.
Because, and not to be too sentimental,
when I was at her deathbed,
she took my hand, and the last thing she ever said to me was,
"I love money!"
[ Laughter ]
[ Sighing ] Oh!
Donald Trump said people in New York
were walking into stores with axes,
and we kind of, you know, we made light of it.
We were like, "What are you talking about?"
And then it did turn out that someone last week
did walk into a New York City McDonald's with an ax.
And that's terrifying,
so we're not gonna make a joke about it.
I do want to point out the New York Post headline.
[ Laughter ]
They walk a very fine line
over at the New York Post, where they're like,
"We want to keep people terrified about crime.
Also, we real good at puns."
[ Laughter ]
That, of course -- he was apprehended.
By a good guy with an ax.
[ Laughter ]
Just goes to show you.
A man with an ax, of course,
is not the scariest thing you could see in a McDonald's.
Remember our friend here?
So last week I was talking about this terrifying nightmare,
and I said his name was Mack the Knife,
which is the song that this character is based on.
This is Mac Tonight.
And I did -- I did verify that is his official name.
That is how it is entered
in the Epstein flight logs.
[ Laughter ]
♪ If you like French fries ♪
♪ Come in my basement ♪
[ Laughter ]
Uh...what have we got here?
Um...Oh!
So, I'm going to the Steelers-Jets game
this weekend.
We got a lot of Jets fans on the crew.
We make a lot of fun of the Jets.
Steelers are not particularly off to a hot start this season.
And Kenny Coyle,
one of the guys in the crew, comes up to me and says,
"I want to make a bet on the Steelers game."
And I said, "Sure, whatever, whatever you want, Kenny."
And he said, "If the Jets win,
you got to mention it on the show."
Like, okay, seems pretty...
Might have done that anyway.
Then he goes, "And if the Steelers --
if the Steelers win,
I'll wear a Steelers half-shirt on the show."
[ Laughter ]
Just, I mean...
I think Kenny, like, wants a certain outcome here.
[ Laughter ]
"If the Jets win, you give me a firm handshake.
Steelers win, I'm putting on my thong."
[ Laughter ]
Hey, one of the things we talked about
in Jokes Seth Can't Tell, and this was a couple weeks ago,
was about how some bigoted people were complaining
about the new "Lord of the Rings"
and the fact that there were Black actors
playing some of the hobbits
and someone took issue with this.
And I do want to address all the questions that come across
our plate here, 'cause this is a pretty curious one.
So, let me see here...
if I can break it down
and take the time to break it down
in a way that maybe everyone can understand.
Someone said, "So, when people have any other
complaints on bad casting,
rather it be wrong hair or eye color, wrong accent,
or whitewashed roles, that's all fine.
But if people have an issue with Black hobbits, they're bigots?"
Yes.
[ Laughter ]
Someone sent this, and I noticed it too.
The new movie "Blonde" with Ana de Armas.
When I was watching, I saw, there's a line where --
there's the great Bobby Cannavale.
And he's saying -- I don't know if you can see it,
but he says, "I want to protect you
from all these jackals."
And someone sent me a screenshot,
and I want to just invite all the jackals --
if you're ever watching anything where somebody says "jackal,"
just take a picture of it and send it to us.
And then also, if you could send --
if you could write --
'cause I think we're gonna edit them all together
in like a great big thing.
If you'd also write,
"I give you the legal permission to use this."
So then it's on you.
[ Light laughter ]
We, um...
Some Danish documentary filmmakers were in the news
and they got interview by the January 6 committee.
And yesterday we said, "God, can you imagine how pleasant
it was to speak to a Dane?"
And someone just wrote, "As a Swede,
it's never pleasant to talk to a Dane."
And it's so funny to me because I have found this to be true,
that the countries of Scandinavia
are all really [bleep] to each other.
And I went on vacation once and I started a trip --
I was in Sweden and they said, "Where are you gonna go?"
No, excuse me. I was in Denmark. They said,
"Where are you gonna go next?" I said Sweden.
Everybody in Denmark's like,
"Ugh, why would you go to Sweden?"
Then I was in Sweden, and they said,
"Where are you gonna go next?" I said Finland.
And they were like, "Ugh, Finland's the worst."
And then when I was in Finland, I was gonna go to Estonia,
and the Finns were all like, "Ugh, don't go to Estonia."
But then I didn't go to Estonia, 'cause I was with Colin Jost
and he got so [bleep] hungover that we...
He was too hungover to get on a ferry to Estonia.
So I've never seen Estonia.
'Cause of Jost.
Ol' America's sweetheart.
So I've never seen Tallinn,
but he gets to be married to an Avenger.
[ Light laughter ]
[ Scoffs ]
Life.
We have been hearing from our international jackals
how upset they are
that the NBC Store won't ship internationally.
Now, in NBC's defense, we're a very new company.
[ Laughter ]
I'm sure the kinks will be worked out eventually.
But this is very exciting.
I'm gonna -- we're gonna do a contest.
If you live in a foreign country, send --
I'm gonna give you an address.
Send a postcard.
But it has to be a postcard from your country,
like with a picture of something in your country.
Has to have the post stamp, whatever it's called.
Yeah, right?
What? Postmark. Excuse me.
Don't interrupt.
[ Laughter ]
I was gonna get there.
"Hey, I'm part of 'Corrections,' too."
[ Laughter ]
All next week -- "That was my favorite one."
Ugh.
[ Laughter ]
So, send a postcard.
International jackals, send a postcard.
It's got to have the postmark, and you have to write on it --
all you have to write on it --
obviously, we need a return address
because if you win the contest,
we're gonna send you a jackal mug.
You have to write, in your native tongue, if you'd like,
"I am a jackal and I don't deserve your kindness."
And you can send that to right here,
P.O. Box 4748, New York, New York, 10185.
And we'll do a drawing, and maybe you'll be
a lucky international jackal to get a mug.
Well, this was...
I mean, other than that one interruption,
I think, pretty good.
I think, you know,
if you're rooting for the Steelers this weekend,
ask yourself what it is you're hoping to see.
[ Laughter ]
And I will see you next week.