-Whoo!
You can sit down. Sit down.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Sit down!
It is actually my 50th birthday.
Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes.
I've had two very humbling experiences in the last year.
I almost had to get a job.
Whew!
I got close.
I had an interview, and the woman noticed --
I haven't had a job since 2010.
And the lady interviewing me, she's like,
"I see you haven't had a corporate job since 2010.
What have been you doing?"
I learned the wrong answer is, "The best I can."
[ Laughter ]
They don't like that. [ Laughs ]
'Cause at my age, I like job interviews.
They're fun.
I tell the truth now.
They all ask the same question.
They're like, "Jackie, what are your weaknesses?
What should you work at harder in life?
What are you weak at?"
And I'm, like, "Uh, working."
[ Laughter ]
"I can't hold a job.
Duh, that's why I'm here."
[ Laughs ]
Next question, "Jackie, what are you good at?
What are your assets?"
I said, "Sir, I can work eight hours a day, five days a week,
and not do a damn thing."
Anybody else?
So good.
Favorite one -- "What are your five year goals?
Where do you see yourself in five years?"
I'm like, "Hopefully having an affair with the VP
so I ain't got to work no more."
[ Laughter ]
Didn't work.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Sighs ]
Every job I've had,
I've always been the only Black girl,
surrounded by white people.
And I always had to be three different women,
every job.
I'm Jackie for you guys. My family calls me Jacqueline.
I'm also Jaqueesha,
the Black girl from the Bronx who comes out at the wrong time.
I was at a corporate job once, and they had Secret Santa.
What's a normal amount? $10?
They raised it one year to $50.
Jaqueesha jumped out.
I was like, "I wish I would give up $50.
Diane is a whore.
I hate this company.
Oh, my God. Was that Jaqueesha?
How'd she get here?"
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ]
My bad.
Jaqueesha been to jail.
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
[ Laughter ]
My next humbling experience,
I had to move back home with my retired Jamaican mother.
Yeah.
And I have learned that she is a liar.
Okay?
Everyone's worried about her.
They're like, "Miss Carol, are you staying home?
Are you being nice and safe?"
She's like, "Baby girl, I'm so scared of the COVID,
I don't leave the house."
The woman is a liar.
She's gone every day for three hours.
I don't know where she goes.
She comes back with two bananas, an apple, a mango.
This is not essential. What's going on with you?
[ Laughter ]
I accidentally got in a really serious relationship
when the pandemic started.
Yeah. 'Cause they were like, "You can't date."
And I'm not going to be alone for a year.
Somebody love me!
So I found someone who I've known for a long time.
I told him so many lies
to make him think I'm the quarantine wife you want.
I said, "Look, I'm a domestic Goddess.
I cook all my meals from scratch.
I even grow my own vegetables."
[ Light laughter ]
Somehow, I found a man who actually does cook and garden.
He had a whole thing prepared.
He was like, "You and I should garden together."
He had two packs of greens that had the roots,
and told me -- Hey! --
and told me, "Take one home."
[ Laughter ]
Ha-ha!
Told me to take one -- He said, "take one home
and plant yours; I'll plant mine.
And we can watch them grow together as a couple."
[ Audience "Awws" ] I was, like, "Oh, my God!
Garden. I lied to you.
I'd rather die. Look at these nails!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Okay?"
I barely have the strength
to take a shower on Fridays during the pandemic.
I'm not gonna plant asparagus.
[ Laughter ]
'Cause he wants us to be Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg.
Guess what? He's Martha. I'm Snoop.
I don't do any of that.
That was a lie.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Now it's time to tackle some of my pandy weight.
Panoramic weight. Little chunky monkey.
I was before, but now it's really a problem.
Nobody should be sadder when this is over more
than white women.
The way you women started baking like convicts
on TikTok...
[ Laughter ]
Okay, the zucchini bread, the banana bread,
the bananas you saved,
the sourdough the size of my head.
Why? And then I'm following Stacy's recipes on TikTok,
and she ain't gaining no weight.
Go to hell, Stacy.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Okay?
I grew a third breast during this pandemic.
[ Laughter ]
And it's made of sourdough, okay?
With all of my humbling, you know,
I had one thing that's really humbling --
I'm living in the same childhood bedroom that I grew up in.
Yeah, same room.
The first orgasm I ever had in my entire life
was in this bedroom.
And that was alone then, too.
So life is full circle.
Stay humble. Remember where you come from.
I'm Jackie Fabulous, guys. Thank you so much.