>> THEY'RE OFF IN THE PREAKNESS.
CONGRATS GAL, OUT TO THE FRONT
WITH FIGHTING MAD RUNNING AWAY
IN THIRD TO THE OUTSIDE.
OH, PEPE HAS OPENED UP A FOUR, A
FIVE-LENGTH LEAD WITH A FUR LONG
TO RUN ARE.
DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU SPELL HER
NAME --
GREG: TRUMP EVEN WINS HORSE
RACES.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪
GREG: SORRY.
YOU MADE IT ANOTHER WEEK.
YOU KNOW WHAT DIDN'T?
ALYSSA MILANO'S SEX STRIKE.
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH, SHE VOWED NOT TO HAVE SEX
FOR POLITICAL REASONS, AND
AMERICA WAS, LIKE, WHO?
[LAUGHTER]
THEN AFTER HEARING HER RANT FOR
A WHILE, MOST PEOPLE REALIZE HER
VOWING NOT TO HAVE SEX MIGHT BE
A GOOD THING.
IT'S LIKE HEARING THAT MAROON
FIVE IS RETIRING FROM MUSIC.
[LAUGHTER]
OR THAT THE NEIGHBOR WHO KEEPS
PEEING IN YOUR YARD FINALLY
DIED.
[LAUGHTER]
OR MAYBE THE PUBLIC SIMPLY HAS
BETTER THINGS TO THINK ABOUT.
THAT'S THE THING ABOUT
CELEBRITIES.
WHERE DO THEY FIND THE TIME TO
LECTURE US ABOUT LIFE AS THEIR
OWN LIVES FALL APART?
MAYBE IT'S TIME WE RETURNED THE
FAVOR.
>> HI YOU KNOW ME AS THE GUY WHO
UNCLOGGED YOUR DRAIN.
>> YES. REPLACED YOUR HIP.
>> I CHANGED YOUR TIRES, FIXED
YOUR TRANSMISSION SO YOUR CAR
DIDN'T BLOW UP.
>> WE'RE THE NOBODIES OF
AMERICA.
>> WE AREN'T CELEBRITIES --
>> WE AREN'T FAMOUS.
>> BUT WE HEARD SOME CELEBRITIES
WANT A SEX STRIKE.
>> SO WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A
STRIKE OF OUR OWN.
>> AGAINST THOSE SELF-RIGHTEOUS
STARS WHO PREACH MORALS --
>> WHO HAVE HAD FOUR MARRIAGES
IN FIVE YEARS --
>> AGAINST POP STARS WHO POST
HALF NAKED SELFIES ON INSTAGRAM,
THEN DEMAND PRIVACY WHEN THEY
GET IN TROUBLE DOING HORSE
TRANQUILIZERS IN A BATHROOM.
>> GO ON TALK SHOWS WHILE SO
OBVIOUSLY HIGH AS FREAKING
KITES.
>> AGAINST OBNOXIOUS, OVERPAID
ACTRESS WHO PREACHED GUN CONTROL
WHILE FIRING ZILLIONS OF WEAPONS
IN EVERY MOVIE --
>> AGAINST THOSE WHO LECTURE US
ON THE ENVIRONMENT FOR HOPPING
ON A JET PACKED WITH HOOKERS AND
BLOW.
>> THAT WERE ALSO FLOWN IN.
>> HOW DO WE STRIKE?
>> THE NEXT TIME WE'RE PUSHING
SOME PRODUCT --
>> WE MIGHT JUST CHOOSE
SOMETHING ELSE.
>> OR MAYBE, JUST MAYBE,
FOLKS --
>> WE WON'T STRIKE AT ALL,
BECAUSE WE'VE GOT A COUNTRY TO
RUN.
>> MAYBE YOU SHOULD REMEMBER
THAT AND QUIT BEING SUCH
JACKASSES.
>> THIS MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU
BY THE NOBODIES OF AMERICA.
>> WELL DONE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GREG: IN OTHER NEWS, OH, YEAH,
TURNS OUT SCIENTISTS REANIMATED
LURCH FROM THE ADDAMS FAMILY AND
PROGRAMMED HIM TO RUN FOR
PRESIDENT.
[LAUGHTER]
>> THERE'S PLENTY OF MONEY IN
THIS WORLD.
THERE'S PLENTY OF MONEY IN THIS
COUNTRY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IT'S JUST IN THE WRONG HANDS.
[LAUGHTER]
GREG: IT'S TOO PERFECT.
THERE'S PLENTY OF MONEY IN THIS
COUNTRY, IT'S JUST IN THE WRONG
HANDS?
IT'S LIKE THEY DUG UP KARL MARX
IS STRETCHED HIM ON THE RACK.
[LAUGHTER]
HE'S HALF IDIOT, HALF MORON AND
ALL COMMUNIST.
THE DEMS ARE SCREWED.
THEY NEED TO FIND THEIR OWN
TRUMP, NOT THEIR OWN MARBLE SLAB
OF TERMITE-INFESTED DRIFTWOOD.
[LAUGHTER]
IS THAT A LITTLE HARSH?
ANYWAY, DE BLASIO RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I JUST HEARD THAT THE WORST
MAYOR IN THE HISTORY OF NEW YORK
CITY -- AND WITHOUT QUESTION THE
WORST MAYOR IN THE UNITED
STATES -- IS NOW RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT.
IT'S JUST NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
IF YOU LIKE HIGH TAXES AND IF
YOU LIKE CRIME, YOU COULD VOTE
FOR HIM.
BUT MOST PEOPLE AREN'T INTO
THAT.
REALLY, IT'D BE BETTER OFF IF
YOU GOT BACK TO NEW YORK CITY
AND DID YOUR JOB WITH THE LITTLE
TIME YOU HAVE LEFT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GREG: I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY,
HE IS AMERICA'S HECKLER.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT, BOY, IS DE BLASIO HATED.
EVERYONE DESPISES HIM.
CABBIES, COPS, LEFTIES,
RIGHTIES!
HERE'S HOW THE AVERAGE NEW
YORKER GREETED HIM AS HE
ANNOUNCED HIS RUN.
>> LIAR!
LIAR!
>> CAN'T RUN THE CITY, CAN'T RUN
THE COUNTRY.
GREG: OH, MAN, THEY TREATED
ANTHONY WIENER BETTER, AND HE'S
A SEX OFFENDER.
[LAUGHTER]
AND DE BLASIO'S OWN PARTY HATES
HIM.
74% OF DEMOCRATS THINK HE
SHOULDN'T RUN.
HE IS LESS POPULAR THAN SUBWAY
VOMIT.
[LAUGHTER]
HERE'S THE CHART.
YEP, BY A WIDE MARGIN --
[LAUGHTER]
PEOPLE PREFER SUBWAY VOMIT OVER
A PRESIDENT DETHE BLASS OWE. --
DE BLASIO.
SO WHY IS HE DOING THIS?
I HAVE A THEORY.
HE'S HIGH.
[LAUGHTER]
THE WEED IS GETTING WAY
STRONGER --
[LAUGHTER]
AND HE HASN'T ADJUSTED HIS
INTAKE.
SO NOW CAPTAIN STONER THINKS HE
CAN RUN THE COUNTRY.
SEE, I PREFER THE GOOD OLD DAYS
WHEN YOU GOT HIGH AND ATE
UNCOOKED RAMEN NOODLES, NOT RUN
FOR PRESIDENT.
[LAUGHTER]
ACTUALLY, THE ONLY REASON THIS
VERTICAL T THE URD IS STILL
HERE -- T THE URD IS STILL HERE,
NYC HAD A GREAT RUN UNDER
GIULIANI AND BLOOMBERG, SO THE
CITY FIGURED, HEY, WHY NOT LET
AN IDIOT RUN THE CITY FOR A
WHILE?
IT'S LIKE GETTING A FACE TATTOO.
LET'S MAKE MY MOTHER CRY.
AMERICA'S NOT LIKE NEW YORK.
THEY LIKE CITY SLICKERS BUT ONLY
IF THEY'RE KNOCKING THE HELL OUT
OF THE SWAMP CREATURES.
>> WE ARE KNOCKING THE HELL OUT
OF THE SWAMP CREATURES, AS WE
CALL THEM.
THEY SAY, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING
ON?
[APPLAUSE]
GREG: OR TRYING TO PRONOUNCE THE
NAME OF A BRIDGE.
>> I-10 BRIDGE, YOU KNOW THE
I-10 BRIDGE?
CALL-CAK-COO.
I LIKE I-10 MUCH BETTER.
DO YOU MIND?
OKAY, YOU'VE BEEN SAYING THAT
WORD YOUR WHOLE LIVES.
ME, I JUST HEARD IT ABOUT 20
MINUTES AGO.
[LAUGHTER]
GREG: CAN HE JUST BE PRESIDENT
FOR LIFE?
[LAUGHTER]
I WONDER IF BERNIE'S CRAZY.
>> BERNIE'S CRAZY.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT BERNIE'S GOT A LOT MORE
ENERGY THAN BIDEN, SO YOU NEVER
KNOW.
NO, NO, BERNIE'S GOT A LOT OF
ENERGY, BUT IT'S ENERGY TO GET
RID OF YOUR JOBS.
HE'S GOT THE OPPOSITE ENERGY
THAT YOU PRODUCE.
NOT GOOD ENERGY.
YOU DON'T LIKE HIS ENERGY.
[LAUGHTER]
GREG: BUT WHAT OF POCAHONTAS?
>> POCAHONTAS, I THINK, IS
PROBABLY OUT.
[LAUGHTER]
GREG: THANKS TO HIM.
MEANWHILE, LIFE ROLLS ON, AND A
PREDICTION COMES TRUE.
A FEW YEARS AGO WE WONDERED HERE
AT THE SHOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF
WE REVERSED TENSIONS WITH GLOBAL
ADVERSARIES, MEANING INSTEAD OF
ALWAYS HEARING ABOUT HOW IRAN
WANTS TO DESTROY US, WHAT IF
IRAN STARTED HEARING ABOUT US
DESTROYING THEM?
WHAT IF AMERICA BECAME THE
DANGEROUS DUDE IN THE BAR?
WELL, IT'S HAPPENING.
AND WHAT'S THE RESULT?
ARE YOU HEARING IRAN SHOUT
"DEATH TO AMERICA"?
NOPE.
INSTEAD, YOU HEAR THE AYATOLLAH
SAYING, HEY, HEY, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA --
[LAUGHTER]
WE DON'T WANT A WAR.
WHERE DO YOU GET THAT IDEA?
THAT'S THE REVERSAL.
WE USED TO BE THIS GUY.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW --
[APPLAUSE]
NOW WE'RE IN THE GUY.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IT ENDED WELL FOR HIM.
IT ENDED WELL FOR THAT
GENTLEMAN.
SO WE HAVE A PRESIDENT WILLING
TO SCARE THE OTHER COUNTRIES FOR
ONCE, AND IT'S WORKING, WHICH
ALSO TERRIFIES THE MEDIA.
I MEAN, WHAT IF THIS UNSTABLE
MANIAC HAPPENS TO BE RIGHT AND
YOU'RE WRONG?
BY NOW, THEY SHOULD BE USED TO
IT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GREG: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
FINISH LET'S WELCOME TONIGHT'S
GUESTS.
HE'S SO TOUGH, BARBED WIRE GOT A
TATTOO OF HIM IN THE '90s,
MASTER SERGEANT TERRY SCHAAF
EARTH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HE'S STILL ATTRACTIVE, HE MAKES
MAGNETS JEALOUS.
HIS NEW BOOK IS CALLED SUCCESS
FACTOR X, ACTOR SEAN CANAAN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HOST OF THE TYRUS AND AND TIMPF
CONTEST, KAT TIMPF.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GREG: HE'S SO TALL, HE'S NEVER
SEEN A SUNSET, FORMER WWE
SUPERSTAR, MY MASSIVE SIDEKICK
TYRUS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT, TERRY.
>> FANTASTIC WORK THERE.
GREG: THANK YOU.
>> BUT HE WRITES IT FOR YOU,
DOESN'T HE?
GREG: YEAH, TRUMP WRITES IT FOR
YOU.
>> HE GIVES IT TO YOU ON A
SILVER PLATTER, AND YOU JUST
PRESENT IT IN A NICE WAY.
GREG: I DO.
AND LET'S STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW
LAZY I AM --
[LAUGHTER]
AND HOW MUCH YOU'VE AGED IN THE
PAST FEW YEARS.
[LAUGHTER]
>> THAT HURTS.
GREG: ANYWAY, LET'S TALK
ABOUT -- YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD WITH
FOREIGN POLICY.
>> BEFORE WE DO THIS, THAT'S FOR
MY MOM, IT'S A PICTURE FROM ME.
THAT'S A UNICORN --
GREG: BY THE WAY, YOU CAN CHANGE
THAT PICTURE AFTER THE SHOW.
NOT UNTIL.
SEEING THE INSIDE OF AN
EMERGENCY ROOM LATER.
[LAUGHTER]
YES, FOREIGN POLICY.
>> SORRY.
GREG: YEAH.
LET'S GET TO THE POINT, YOU
RAMBLING WEIRDO.
IRAN, THOUGHTS.
>> THEY'RE REALLY NICE PEOPLE.
NO.
YOU'RE RIGHT, WE WERE SORT OF
TALKING ABOUT IT BACK THERE.
FOR ONCE, IT'S NICE TO STAND UP
TO THEM.
THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE WRINGING
THEIR HANDS.
I WAS 25 YEARS IN SPECIAL
FORCES, SO I GET THE POTENTIAL
PROBLEM AND THE LIFE AND DEATH.
I DO GET THAT.
BUT I ALSO KNOW OBAMA KIND OF,
TO HIS DISCREDIT, HAS SET US UP
A BIT HERE.
$1.5 BILLION, VALIDATING THEM.
AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS
COMING IN, WE'VE NORMALIZED
THINGS.
SO WE'VE NORMALIZED THE IDEA
THAT IRAN CAN HAVE A NUCLEAR
WEAPON, NOW IT'S LIKE LET'S NOT
HURT EACH OTHER.
I GET ON A PLANE TODAY FROM
NORTH CAROLINA, I CAN'T BRING A
WATER BOTTLE, I CAN'T DO THIS, I
HAVE TO PAY EXTRA MONEY FOR --
GREG: I HAVE TO WEAR PANTS AND
BOOTS, WHICH IS WRONG.
AGAIN, PEOPLE FORGET, WHY ARE WE
DOING THAT?
WELL, THERE'S A MONUMENT DOWN
THE STREET HERE, BUT WE JUST
ACCEPT IT AS THE NEW NORM.
GREG: RIGHT.
>> THE NEW NORM SHOULD NOT BE
LET'S JUST BUCKLE AND TRY TO
FIND A WAY.
NO, CRUSH 'EM.
AT LEAST MAKE THEM THINK THEY'RE
GOING TO GET CRUSHED, AND THAT'S
WORTH IT.
GREG: THAT'S A GOOD POINT,
WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS.
>> WHY DO YOU EVEN IS CAN ME
QUESTIONS?
[APPLAUSE]
GREG: SEAN, DIDN'T YOU DO IT'S A
FULL HOUSE?
>> I DID NOT -- NO.
GREG YOU WERE WITH ALYSSA MILANO
BRIEFLY.
>> IT WAS WHO'S THE BOSS.
I CAN'T REMEMBER, IT WAS, LIKE,
30 YEARS AGO.
GREG: BACK WHEN YOU WERE IN YOUR
40s.
>> YEAH, RIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
GREG: WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS
ON -- LET'S TALK ABOUT TRUMP, OR
YOU CAN TALK ABOUT ALYSSA, IF
YOU WANT --
>> WHIPLASH RIGHT THERE.
GREG: WE CAN TALK ABOUT TRUMP
AND HIS EFFECT ON POLITICS IN
GENERAL.
>> THIS WHOLE THING THAT YOU
WERE TALKING ABOUT TERRY WITH, I
DON'T GET THESE GUYS.
THEY'RE THE ONES THAT FUND
TERRORISM ALL OVER THE MIDDLE
EAST, AND NOW SUDDENLY THEIR
NOSE IS OUT OF JOINT BECAUSE
THERE'S A CARRIER STRIKE GROUP
SENT OVER TO CHECK THEIR ASSES?
IT'S ABOUT TIME.
THEY'RE LIKE THE LITTLE DRUNK
GUY AFTER A BAR CLOSES, AND
THEY --
>> GREG.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> THEY START PROVOKING THE BIG
GUY, AND WHEN HE STARTS WALKING
TOWARD THEM, THEY'RE LIKE, HOLD
ME BACK, HOLD ME BACK.
GREG: THAT IS ME.
[LAUGHTER]
ALTHOUGH I JUST DO IT AT HOME.
I DON'T REALLY GO TO BARS
ANYMORE.
YOU KNOW, KAT, ARE YOU TIRED OF
WOKE CELEBS?
NOW THEY'RE JUST ULTRA WOKE.
>> YEAH, I AM.
AND ESPECIALLY ALYSSA MILANO,
BECAUSE SHE MAY THINK THAT SHE'S
SUPER WOKE AND PROGRESSIVE AND
FEMINIST, BUT WHAT SHE WAS DOING
WITH THIS IS ACTUALLY ONE OF THE
MOST SEXIST, PURITANICAL THINGS
I'VE EVER SEEN.
WHAT SHE'S DOING IS PERPETUATING
THAT ANTIQUATED NOTION THAT
WOMEN ONLY HAVE SEX AS A
BARGAINING CHIP OR AS A
CONCESSION TO MEN INSTEAD OF
ENJOYING SEX FOR ITS OWN SAKE --
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GREG: YOU PERVERT!
>> AND SHE SAID THAT REPUBLICANS
ARE THE ONES TRYING TO BRING
ABOUT THE HANDMAID'S TALE, SHE'S
ALSO SAID REPUBLICANS ARE --
SHE'S ALL ABOUT WOMEN WANTING
THE CONTROL THEIR OWN BODIES,
BUT SHE'S TELLING ME WHAT TO DO
WITH MINE?
I DON'T THINK SO.
AND ALSO, WHAT IS SEX?
HI, DAD.
[LAUGHTER]
GREG: YOU'RE SAYING THIS PURELY
FROM A HYPOTHETICAL --
>> HYPOTHETICAL.
I TOOK A GUESS.
>> WHERE ARE THESE GIRLS THAT
DIG SEX FOR SEX --
[LAUGHTER]
I'M ASKING.
>> IRONIC, HER NEW SHOW IS
CALLED INSATIABLE.
GREG: SEE, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
SHE HAD A SHOW.
GOOD FOR HER.
TYRUS?
>> I HAD PLANNED A COUPLE OF
STRIKES MYSELF IN COUNTER OF THE
SEX STRIKE.
GOT AT LEAST FIVE OR IS SIX
OTHER DUDES --
[LAUGHTER]
A CONVERSATION STRIKE WAS GOING
DOWN, A CHECKING-IN STRIKE WAS
GOING DOWN --
[LAUGHTER]
AND LISTENING ABOUT YOUR MOTHER
WAS GOING DOWN.
[APPLAUSE]
I HAD A WHOLE, A WHOLE BUNCH OF
'EM.
>> AN ARSENAL.
>> GUESS WHAT, LADIES?
YOU TAKE THAT AWAY, WE GOT
NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT IT'S JUST A TYPICAL THING
WITH CELEBRITIES.
SEX STRIKE, WHO'S WITH ME?
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
DON LEMON WILL RUN IT ANYWAY.
USUALLY PEOPLE LIKE, YEAH, LET'S
DO IT.
LET'S BE REAL.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO SEX
STRIKE WITH, SO YOU'RE ALREADY
ON A SEX STRIKE --
GREG: IT'S LIKE ME GIVING UP
ESCARGOT.
>> I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW
SHE DOESN'T SEE THE IRONY.
BODILY AUTONOMY FOR WOMEN BUT
DON'T HAVE SEX WITH YOURS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
GREG: SEEMS LIKE SHE'S NO LONGER
THE BOSS.
>> OH, MY GOD, GREG, WELL
PLAYED.
>> LOW HANGING FRUIT.
GREG: I'M VERY SHORT, SO I NEED