- Our guests tonight are two of the eight
funniest people in the world.
They have a friendship that spans
over 30 years and a new comedy special
called "An Evening You Will Forget
for the Rest of Your Life."
Let me just say, Steve, truthfully, what an honor
it is for me to be standing next to a man who
is a novelist, a playwright, a musician, a composer,
and a legendary comedian.
And let me say what an honor it
is for me to be standing next to the man who
is standing next to that man.
[LAUGHTER]
You know, Steve, of all the people
that I have a fake show business relationship with,
I feel fake closest to you. - Ah, buddy.
[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
"An Evening You Will Forget for the Rest of Your Life"
is on Netflix, and you can see them
live June 29 in Sacramento, July 1 in Las Vegas,
and July 6 in Bend, Oregon.
Please welcome, the the two and only
Steve Martin and Martin Short.
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, he's sitting.
[INAUDIBLE] you're here.
I don't know.
Thank you.
Welcome.
[CHEERING]
Wow.
Look at this.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHS] [INAUDIBLE] Oh.
You've-- you've heard of a standing O.
Yes.
It was a standing M. They were sort of up and then down
over there.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, it's very, very, very, very exciting
and a great honor to have both of you here.
It really is.
[APPLAUSE]
I really look forward to letting you down.
[LAUGHTER]
Marty, you've been here-- how many times have you been here?
I have been here, I don't know, 15 maybe.
15 times?
Steve, this is your first visit.
My first time, and I'm--
I tell you--
[APPLAUSE]
I'm excited to be on the show because I didn't
even know you had a show.
[LAUGHTER]
I come out.
And there you are.
I'm excited.
And let me say something.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Yes, go ahead, Marty.
[LAUGHTER]
No, really, you look fantastic.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Thank you so much.
No, you really do.
That Just For Men beard dye--
I didn't know it came in that color.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, you know, by the way, since we're talking
about manscaping, I have a new technique
for trimming my nose hairs.
JIMMY KIMMEL: What is it?
I just take a deep whiff of Marty's cologne.
[LAUGHTER]
Speaking of which, someone got Febreze for Father's Day.
[LAUGHTER]
No, but you look really-- you-- you have the sex appeal
of a middle-aged Rudy Giuliani.
[LAUGHTER]
I will take that as great compliment.
Because the last time I was here you looked--
you were disheveled. JIMMY KIMMEL: I was, really?
Oh my god.
You smiled, and a hunk of makeup fell off.
[INAUDIBLE] [LAUGHTER]
That wasn't makeup.
It was leprosy.
No, no, two of the queer guys looked like they
had just stormed out in mid--
mid-revival.
JIMMY KIMMEL: The queer guys?
What queer guys?
"Queer Eye." JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, with the eyes.
"Queer Eye."
JIMMY KIMMEL: "Queer Eye" guys, yeah.
They're not the queer guys.
[LAUGHTER]
I abbreviate.
The "Queer Eye" guys.
He's from Canada.
He doesn't know how it all works.
Yeah.
But thank you for offending half the nation.
[INAUDIBLE]
So--
But I think Jimmy is quite a handsome man.
And I mean that because, you know,
you have a good look and also these wonderful childbearing
hips. [LAUGHTER]
You know, I've always wanted to meet you.
You, not as much, but I was also excited to meet you.
But Steve, we met for the first time in October, I believe.
Yes. JIMMY KIMMEL: At the--
(LOUDLY) Jimmy was saying that he met you for the first time
in October.
[LAUGHTER]
Do you remember meeting him?
Yes, I do have a good time.
[LAUGHTER]
And we met in October--
I remember.
--at the Mark Twain Prize.
The Mark Twain for David Letterman.
David Letterman, that's right.
We all honored David Letterman, and it was a great night.
And I was very excited to be there.
And I had been there the year before honoring Bill Murray.
- Wow. - Thanks.
- Yeah. - So--
[LAUGHTER] - What a life you've led.
[LAUGHTER]
But I learned that night.
I learned that after the show was over, around 9 o'clock,
there was nothing to do.
It was like Sunday night in Washington, DC.
And there was nothing to do, so this time I thought--
Does this go on?
JIMMY KIMMEL: It goes on for a while.
[LAUGHTER]
You're in the story. - I'm in the story?
Yeah, you're in the story.
[LAUGHS] So I thought, here's what I'll do.
I'll rent a room at a bar.
There was a bar called Madame Morgan's.
I'll rent a private room.
And then maybe, just maybe, Martin Short and Steve Martin--
I knew Dave wasn't coming.
But--
I was excited to go to that party
because I thought that's what I'm looking for,
a nice quiet, little place to hang out after the show.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Right.
Bill Murray was with us.
- We were in the car. - Right.
It was Bill Murray, you and your wife, Ann, my wife,
Molly, and another friend.
And we're driving to the event, and the phone rings.
Do you remember what happened?
Well, first of all let me just say the phone rang because Tom
Hanks was also in Washington, not doing the Mark Twain,
but he was happening in Washington.
And we had spoken.
And I said, hey, Jimmy is having a big party.
Why don't you go to it?
Hey, next time you mind running that by me?
Because I--
[LAUGHTER]
No, you'd like him. You'd like him.
[LAUGHTER]
Tom Hank.
A lot of people use the S, but not hip ones.
And so anyway he had-- so he had gotten to the party early.
And he phoned me and said, this is the worst,
loudest, stupidest place.
- I'm on the phone. - No, no, not yet.
Oh.
He's saying to me, this is the stupid--
it's so loud.
It's horrible.
I stayed there one minute, and I ran out.
And I said, well, why don't you go back to the Four Seasons,
go to the bar.
I'll phone Steve.
Steve will hate that too.
So then I phoned Steve.
And so I'm in the car.
And I put it on speaker.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Yes.
And I hear Marty say--
Don't go to that party!
It's the worst.
Evidently it's the loudest, worst place you could ever be.
Jimmy's 2 feet from me.
[LAUGHTER]
I didn't know.
And I say, Jimmy, he-- he knows.
[LAUGHTER]
He knows you're in the car-- it's so funny.
[LAUGHTER]
And Jimmy went, no, he doesn't
He doesn't know.
[LAUGHTER] - Yeah.
Yeah.
That was-- and then you got-- you went back,
and you went to--
Marty ruined my party.
And I'll tell you-- - And we had a much--
No, I think you ruined your party.
[LAUGHTER]
Afterwards I was planning to get revenge.
You had Flo and Rob Kardashian.
We had, you know, Eddie Vedder.
[LAUGHTER]
You did have Eddie Vedder. But I was planning--
Gee, I knew what you guys were talking about.
[LAUGHTER]
You know, I don't know if you're invited to it,
but Marty has a Christmas party each year.
- Yes. - Yes.
So I was planning to hold a special VIP party.
I was going to set up a tent in Marty's backyard
and invite everyone to that tent,
except for Marty in his own backyard.
And me.
No, you would have been invited to it.
You were an innocent victim in all this.
Well, I turned down the party too.
All right, you're not invited next year either.
Anyway, Marty canceled his Christmas party,
and my plan was for naught.
But anyway, it was--
By the way, are you throwing any other parties
that we don't want to go to?
[LAUGHTER]
By the way, I saw the Ted Cruz thing.
And I thought it was interesting.
First, you raised so much money for charity.
So that makes you two good guys.
[CHEERING]
I think-- I think actually that Ted Cruz really likes you
because I noticed that every time he would look at you,
he would wag his tail.
[LAUGHTER]
But I-- yeah, it was quite an outcome, though.
You must admit it was--
I mean, even Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels said,
well, now that's a spanking.
[LAUGHTER]
Now, first I want to say, by the way,
I love the Netflix special. - Thank you.
I think is absolutely fantastic.
And you guys, you're doing this tour.
You're on the road together. - Yes.
I'll tell you one thing that's great about the Netflix special
is it means that people who used to come
to our show to masturbate to it live
can now do it at home private.
[LAUGHTER]
- That's better, for sure. - Yeah.
Isn't that elegant?
And Marty, what is it like traveling with Steve?
Is he always creative?
Is he always coming up with great stuff?
No.
[LAUGHTER]
Our keyboard player, Jeff Babko,
is your musical director.
Yes!
We love Jeffrey.
[APPLAUSE]
I'll tell you something.
It's a very interesting show because I was born here
in America, and Marty was born in America's sworn
enemy, Canada.
[LAUGHTER]
It's true.
But you know, we do have the greatest time imaginable.
It is so much fun.
And Jeff Babko kills it every night,
as do the Steep Canyon Rangers.
And, yeah, I love hearing the music and the singing
and all that stuff.
But you now are spending more time in New York.
Is that to get away from Marty here or not?
No.
No, I am in New York more because I have
a child who goes to school.
And it was an option.
[LAUGHTER]
And you know, I went to the--
I had to get a new doctor.
So I went to a new doctor.
And they have to take out all the--
take down all the new information.
So the nurse is there.
It's a female nurse in this case asking me--
you know, she's asking me questions.
She says, how old are you?
And I thought, first of all, she doesn't
have to know how old I am.
So I said I'm 52.
And she said, oh, OK.
Good.
And she said, so I suppose you're
here to see the doctor about the extra 20 years on your face?
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
JIMMY KIMMEL: That's New York for you.
No, this is-- but you know what?
JIMMY KIMMEL: What, Marty?
You know, she's going from because you are extremely,
almost this close to a corpse as far as being pale.
[LAUGHTER]
No, the SPF on his sunscreen is infinity.
I mean, that's--
[LAUGHTER]
You make-- you make Mike Pence look like a character
in "Black Panther."
[LAUGHTER]
I got to be honest.
You know, I never got Marty's humor because, you know,
I'm a reader.
[LAUGHTER]
But I have to compliment you because this is interesting.
Did you know that Marty's movie "Santa Claus 3"
has been streamed, downloaded, over 100 million times.
JIMMY KIMMEL: I did not know that.
Yeah, because-- because the CIA uses it for torture.
[LAUGHTER]
I have a question for you.
You do something I don't, which you do impressions.
What is that?
[LAUGHS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know what?
Am I being punked?
[LAUGHTER]
No, I'm fine.
- Yeah. - Don't worry about the back.
I'll just--
Don't lean back.
And you know, Marty--
[LAUGHTER]
The thing that you are always trying to do--
[LAUGHS] are you going to calm down?
- I am. - Yeah.
That is Steve Martin and Martin Short,
"An Evening You Will Forget for the Rest of Your Life,"
on Netflix now.
Is that something--
We love doing this show more than anything because this is
what we do, we travel around.
We do-- you know what it is?
It's like marital sex, in that we do old material
three times a month.
[LAUGHTER]
I'll tell you what I love about that.
That was an honest clip, where Marty's chair back fell out.
JIMMY KIMMEL: That was not planned?
No, it was not planned.
And the reason I was laughing so hard
is because I knew that when he was back
and the back had fallen off and his leg's
just sitting up there, that he's holding for the laugh.
[LAUGHTER]
Of course, I'm no fool.
That's what made me laugh.
- Like an Olympic diver midair. - Yeah.
I'll tell you what.
I think I'm going to paraphrase Mel Brooks because he said,
and I'm just paraphrasing, tragedy
is when you sit on your chair, and you lean back
and the back breaks, and you fall, and you hurt yourself.
And comedy is when it happens to your friend.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I'm going to mention this because it's
something that I feel like I would
really love to be a part of.
And I don't know if it's possible at all.
But I know that you--
you guys and Tom Hanks and one other friend,
you get together every other year for a colonoscopy party.
Yes, we do.
- Is that true? - Yes.
There's-- there's the Christmas party.
Then there's a colonoscopy party.
That is true.
And because we thought, you know,
it's, you know, everybody at our age, not your audience
and certainly not anyone here in this studio,
but at a certain age you want to get a colonoscopy.
I think it's after 50, right?
- After 50, yes. - Yeah, and--
45, actually, now.
Yeah, they just change it to 45.
Oh, I'm so glad you're a scientist.
I am a bit of a scientist. [LAUGHTER]
No, no, no, this is a public service, Steve.
It's got to be more than just yourself.
OK.
So anyway, and we thought it would be easier if we--
it was all men. You know, we celebrated--
Yeah, that's better if it's all men.
[LAUGHTER]
[INAUDIBLE] colonoscopy party.
[SEXY PURR]
[LAUGHTER]
Hey, you want to come to my colonoscopy party?
[LAUGHTER]
It's why you don't get dates.
Anyway, and so we all came over.
And you have to-- you know, we played poker,
and we watched some funny movie, and you drink all the stuff,
you know.
Barium or sodium, or sodium barium.
It's not barium!
Yeah.
Barium is-- is radioactive.
Yeah, that's why it's not a great thing to get every year.
[LAUGHTER] No, you go over it.
We-- we-- we're very excited.
We go to Steve's house around 5:00 PM the night before.
We call it Colonoscopy Eve in Canada.
[LAUGHTER]
And then it-- and it's catered.
There's Jell-o.
You know, there's not much you can--
you have to purge all day.
And then we toast.
And then-- then--
I wanted to make it nice, you know, so I got candles.
[LAUGHTER]
And then I realized they were way too wide,
and they should have been tapered.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, but-- next time they're for the table.
But no, and then what's shocking is with Steve, you know,
he's a wealthy man.
Who would think he would have one bathroom?
I mean, that was--
[LAUGHTER]
I mean, by 10:00 PM, the bathroom looks like day 14
of a Carnival Cruise, you know. [LAUGHTER]
I thought--
I thought the bathroom ended up looking like a Jackson Pollock.
[LAUGHTER]
Do you travel together to the colonoscopy?
Do you go in the same car?
Yeah.
No, no, we-- we actually play cards.
And whoever loses goes last of the four.
Oh.
So, oh-- so it's not all at the same time.
You don't have them all set up at once.
- No. - No.
JIMMY KIMMEL: And then you drive home together?
Do you wait for each other?
Hey, I've got a picture of it.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh.
I forgot.
But the answer is no, we went to the Ivy.
Yeah, [INAUDIBLE] restaurant.
There's-- that's our friend Walter Parks.
And there's-- and this is obviously
before because we're standing vertical.
[LAUGHTER]
It's fun.
And it's a great way to do something that you should do.
It is a great idea.
People should do this.
Anyway, what I'm asking is can I come get
a colonoscopy with you guys?
Nah.
It's kind of like the four [INAUDIBLE]..
[LAUGHTER]
You could do it, though.
You could do [INAUDIBLE].
It's kind of like the Mark Twain party
that you were trying to throw.
Don't go to his party.
Yeah. Yeah.
All right, well, I won't come to that either.
Now, you guys, when you're on the road,
do you have the same crew? Is it the same--
I'll tell you what.
--group of people that you [INAUDIBLE]??
We have obviously, on our show, we have a lot of fun.
I would say that.
And we get a lot of people who want to work, you know,
just backstage.
They're so important, the people who work behind the scenes,
or as we call them, the scene behinders.
[LAUGHTER]
And so we had to actually work out a job
application, a questionnaire.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
That we do [INAUDIBLE]. - Oh yeah, very important.
Yeah.
Do you guys actually do the job interviews yourselves?
- Oh, we do them together. - Yes, we do.
Yeah, we do them together. JIMMY KIMMEL: Wow.
And we have the questionnaire.
That's it right here.
We traditionally alternate questions.
JIMMY KIMMEL: So these are question
that if one were to want to work for the two
of you on this tour--
Yes.
--they would have to be answered?
OK, so here's an example, a first question.
Are you OK with applying another man's anti-fungal cream?
[LAUGHTER]
How attached are you to your kidney?
[LAUGHTER]
How attached to your kidney are you?
[LAUGHTER]
What do you consider a lot of money
in an out-of-court settlement?
[LAUGHTER]
Videos of smoking babies, funny or hilarious?
[LAUGHTER]
How quickly can you remove blood from a car trunk?
[LAUGHTER]
Can you keep me from tweeting when I'm on Ambien?
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING]
That's important.
List my movies in order from favorite to most favorite.
[LAUGHTER]
Were you able to get through the royal wedding
without crying?
If yes, at what age did you realize
that you were a monster?
[LAUGHTER]
That was a beautiful wedding. It really--
Was it? Oh, my god.
Oh, Meghan looked so beautiful.
(HIGH VOICE) And how handsome was Harry?
[LAUGHTER]
Well, that's great. Now people have a head start.
Do you want to save this for your next--
Yes.
--next comedian?
Maybe they can make it work better than we did.
- For our next comedy duo. - Yes.
Well, I can't thank you guys enough for being here.
It really is a thrill. - Yes, you can.
[LAUGHTER]
Thank you. Thank you.
[CHEERING]
Steve Martin, Martin Short--
"An Evening You Will Forget for the Rest of Your Life"
is on Netflix.
And see them live June 29 in Sacramento, July 1 in Vegas,
and July 6 in Bend, Oregon.
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