MY NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN, WHO HOSTS THE PODCAST
"2 CHAIRS & A MICROPHONE."
PAST GUESTS HAVE INCLUDED PAUL McCARTNEY, BRYAN CRANSTON, AND
STEPHEN COLBERT.
PLEASE WELCOME PAUL MECURIO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I'M GOING TO QUIT WHILE I'M
AHEAD.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THAT WAS AMAZING.
SO, I WAS A LAWYER ON WALL STREET AND QUIT TO BE A
COMEDIAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S NOT HOW MY MOTHER
REACTED.
( LAUGHTER ) I WAS LIVING A SECRET DOUBLE
LIFE.
I WAS A LAWYER BY DAY, COMIC BY NIGHT.
AND PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY TO ME, "DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO
BE A COMEDIAN?" I SAID, NO."
THEY SAID, "WERE YOU FUNNY?" I WAS LIKE, "YES, I WAS THE
FUNNIEST LAWYER IN MY LAW FIRM, "WHICH IS KIND OF LIKE BEING THE
SEXIEST I.T. GUY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I TELL YOU THESE REALLY FUNNY
THINGS TO GET LAUGHS FROM THE OTHER LAWYERS, STUFF LIKE, "WE
CAN'T DO THAT!
THAT'S UNETHICAL."
AND PEOPLE HERE-- I DID CORPORATE LAW, AND PEOPLE WHO DO
CORP RATE LAW SAY THAT'S THE WORST, THE LOWER OF THE LOW,
YOU'RE EVIL.
YOU KILL KITTENS.
I WAS LIKE, WE WOULD OUTSOURCE THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) CAN I ASK YOU GUYS SOMETHING?
>> YEAH!
>> HOW DO THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE VASELINE MAKE ANY MONEY?
I HAVE HAD THE SAME TUBE OF VASELINE, RIGHT, RIGHT?
THE GUY WITH THE GLASSES, AM I RIGHT?
MY VASELINE WAS HANDED DOWN TO ME BY MY GRANDFATHER IN A WILL.
YOU'VE NEVER HEARD THIS PHRASE UTTERED IN THE HISTORY OF
MANKIND-- "HONE, I'M GOING OUT TO GET MORE VASELINE."
YOU COULD GO THROUGH 50,000 BAGS OF GARBAGE, YOU'RE NOT ANYTHING
TO FIND ONE EMPTY CONTAINER OF VAS LINE.
ONE TIME I ALMOST THREW MY VASELINE OUT.
I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T RECOGNIZE THESE FINGERPRINTS.
I THINK MY WIFE IS CHEATING ON ME.
AW, SCREW IT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WAS AT COSCO, AND THERE WAS,
LIKE, A 90-YEAR-OLD GUY WHO HAD A SHOPPING CART FILLED WITH
NOTHING BUT, LIKE, 40 CANS OF PROGRESSO SOUP, NOTHING BUT 40
CANS-- EYE 90-YEAR-OLD GUY, 40 CANS OF SOUP.
I'M LOOKING AT THAT AND I'M LIKE, AH, THAT'S OPTIMISTIC.
YOU WANT TO LAUGH.
THERETO OUT.
I CAN FEEL IT.
YOU GOTTA LET IT OUT.
SO I WAS ON A SHOW RECENTLY, AND THEY ASKED US, "WHO MANIPULATEES
MORE IN A RELATIONSHIP, MEN OR WOMEN?"
AND I'M LIKE EVERYBODY MANIPULATES EQUALLY.
WOMEN, I THINK MANIPULATE BETTER THAN MEN, BECAUSE WOMEN CAN USE
SEX TO MANIPULATE AND THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE GREAT THINGS HAVE
BEEN ACHIEVED BY MEN BECAUSE WOMEN USED SEX TO MANIPULATE.
LIKE THE CAVEMEN ONLY INVENTED FIRE BECAUSE A WOMAN WHINED,
IT'S TOO COLD TO HAVE SEX.
BOOM, FIRE RIGHT THERE.
THEN THEY SAID WHAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT, COMMUNICATION OR SEX?
BECAUSE THE CAMERAS WERE ON EVERYBODY SAID COMMUNICATION,
P.C., COMMUNICATION.
NO, WE KNOW.
SEX!
BECAUSE NOBODY FANTASIZES ABOUT COMMUNICATION.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S NO GUY OUT THERE GOING,
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WISH WE COULD HAVE A THREE-WAY DIALOGUE WITH TWO WOMEN ABOUT
HOW THEY FEEL."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO MY WIFE AND I ARE COMPLETELY
OPPOSITES.
SHE'S VERY ORGANIZED.
I'M ALL OVER THE PLACE-- IMPATIENT.
AND WE'VE BEEN HAVING THIS ONE ARGUMENT FOR YEARS, AND I DO
THIS ONE THING THAT DRIVES HER CRAZY, BUT HER REACTION TO ME
DRIVESLY MIKE-- NNN.
IF YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP YOU'VE HAD THIS ARGUMENT.
I'M IN THE REFRIGERATOR WITH THE DOOR OPEN AND SHE'S IN THE THE
LIGROOM AND I SAY, "CAROL, WHERE ARE THE PICKLES?"
YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING.
KNOW WHERE THEY ARE?
NO, I DON'T.
YES, YOU DO.
THEY'RE IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
>> I KNOW THAT.
NO I DON'T.
THEY'RE ON THE SHELF.
I KNOW, PICKLES ARE ON THE SHELF.
THIS IS FUNNY TO YOU, LADY?
I'LL COME OVER THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE ON THE SHELF.
I KNOW.
AND THIS IS THE LINE, THIS IS LINE WHERE SHE SAYS IT AND YOU
THINK, AAAH, DIVORCE.
I DON'T SEE THEM.
"ARE YOU LOOKING?" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEN THIS NEXT LINE-- TRY FIGURING THIS NEXT LINE OUT.
YEAH, I'M LOOKING.
"ARE YOU LOOK-LOOKING OR JUST LOOKING."
I'M LOOKING.
YOU NEVER LOOK FOR THINGS.
YOU'RE LIKE A CHILD.
YOU NEVER LOOK.
I'M NOT GOING TO LOOK FOR YOU.
THEN SHE GETS COND ECONDESCENDING LIKE SHE'S A IN A
CONTROL TOWER AND I'M A BAG OF ROCKS.
DO YOU SEE THE BREAD.
IF YOU LOOK, THE PICKLES ARE BEHIND THE BREAD.
I DON'T SEE THEM.
THEN COMES THE NEXT LINE "DID YOU MOVE THE BREAD?"
YEAH?
"DID YOU MOVE-MOVE THE BREAD OR MOVE THE BREAD?"
ALREADY LAWYER, I MOVED THE BREAD.
AND WHAT DO YOU SEE, NOTHING?
EXACTLY, PAUL, BECAUSE YOU FORGOT TO BUY PICKLES ON THE WAY
HOME LAST NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, PAUL.
THANK YOU, PAUL.
PAUL'S COMEDY ALBOTTOM CUT IT'S NOT ME, IT'S THE WORLD."
PAUL MECURIO, EVERYBODY, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.