- Get yourself a doctor who memes,
or at least looks and laughs at them.
Pee-woop!
Me yawning.
(yawning)
Everyone who saw me yawning.
(yawning)
Yawns are contagious, and we literally don't know why.
We've tried to stipulate that it has something to do
with group sleep and protecting the species,
but really, all the answers have been subpar.
Spy A, Spy B, spicy.
(drum rolls)
Spidey! I got it! (audience cheering)
Random gross old man: You'd look prettier if you smiled.
Me.
That's me all the time.
(playful music)
You can't take your organs with you when you die.
Sell them before it's too late.
Well, see, here's the thing.
You need them to live, with the exception of a few organs.
And even then, ideally you wanna keep them if you can.
Yeah. Hold on to those bad boys.
I can't believe that people don't eat the crust,
like WTF, it's part of the food.
It's fantastic, even if it doesn't taste the same
as the rest of the watermelon.
But why would you eat the crust of the watermelon?
- [Dan] Dude, you did a video on that, brother.
- Isn't it called the core?
- [Dan] Rind.
- Rind.
I don't eat the crust of a pizza,
but I eat the rind of the watermelon.
(record scratches) - [Dan] Do you really do that?
- Sometimes, if it's been a rough week.
(laughs)
My friend gave me this to remember him by
before he passed away.
He couldn't speak at the time,
but it seemed really important to him that I have this.
Rest in peace.
Oh, that's so bad.
For those who don't know, that's an EpiPen,
and if someone's giving one of those to you,
and they can't speak,
that means they need it usually injected into them.
And the instructions are right there on how to use it.
Don't say rip.
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
Ah, you got a dad joke in there.
Wow. But that's pretty cool.
I wanna see a human vocal cord speak for themself.
(rim shot plays)
Doctors be like anywhere but here.
For real, I just recently went grocery shopping.
I made sure to stay away from the apples,
'cause I know what goes down there.
The opposite of a Debbie Downer is Beth Amphetamine.
That's funny, 'cause amphetamine is an upper,
and Beth is
(computer warbling)
that girl in your class that's always really excited.
(buzzer buzzes)
Girls, isn't it weird how we live longer than men?
Yes, it's weird, boys.
Yeah, guys do some dumb stuff.
We definitely don't take care of our bodies,
but I think this is quite a generalization here.
Personally, I'm fond of bacteria.
Why is that, Doctor?
It's the only culture some people have.
Ah, it's a dad joke, for those who don't know.
When we wanna take some bacteria,
and then put it into a Petri dish,
and grow the bacteria to find out which one it is,
and what it's resistant to antibiotic-wise,
it's called the culture.
Hey, Red, whats shakin'?
Hey, Blue, can you swing by the hospital?
Sure. Why?
Just wanna talk.
Oh, does that mean red and yellow had a green?
(gasps)
The blue and yellow had a baby, and made a green.
And this is just a little something I've been working on.
So the doctor's showing x-rays,
and then just like a little fruit plate.
That x-ray on the left is an x-ray of a right hand,
and that patient has their left hand in a brace.
Only a doctor would've caught that. Just saying.
You ever have a friend become a doctor,
and they're like, Oh no, doctors are dumb?
Yeah, me.
I've always been like there's no way I'll ever
become a doctor, and then I became one.
When I'm learning complex medical stuff,
and I don't understand it, I have to break it down.
So breaking it down again
to myself makes it useful to teach others,
especially children, about their health,
because I'm basically like the mind of a child.
See, you work off your strengths,
and dumbness can be a strength.
I'm a perfect example.
Would love to collab,
me contacting a therapist about therapy.
That is how we need to talk about medical care.
It is a collaborative approach,
not only between you and the medical health specialist,
but also amongst the medical health specialist.
I literally, when I send patients
to a specialist for a consultation,
I want a note from that specialist
as a form of collaboration.
Eye exam.
Doctor: Tell me what you see.
Her: virgin in his forties.
Doctor: Okay, get out.
This person's clearly in his fifties. Let's be honest.
My fellow med students, I present you this meme born
from a photo taken at Mike's last match.
Yeah, that's pretty factual,
'cause the med students are trying to hit the med school,
but then they're not really getting it,
but the med schools still cracking them right in the face.
Eight year old me thinking how my skeleton will look
if I drink milk.
Skeletal bones do not grow muscles.
Muscles are attached to skeletal bones.
Maybe hit the gym a little,
do a little bench, dead lift, squat.
you know, pull-ups, the good stuff.
Conan O'Brien.
Hey, doctors, how about some habits for a shorter life?
Let's get this over with.
You may say that as a young, healthy person,
but as life goes on, you wanna extend that bad boy.
Trust me, I've seen it.
Nobody, scientists naming a new drug be like.
It's not scientists, it's the pharma companies.
But apparently, this process takes years.
They get poets, linguists, and everybody together,
'cause it's all about the moulah to these people.
It's a team of ad execs, basically.
My advice is, eat more food from the ocean.
Swim, you fat bastard.
That's so funny.
I don't think I would ever say eat more food from the ocean,
because that's not specific enough.
And also not specifically tailored
to the individual sitting in front of you.
The Onion.
CDC: Definitely too hot out to wear a condom.
What? No, no, no.
Temperature and condom use have no correlation together.
So irrespective of how hot or cold it is outside,
definitely wear a condom.
I mean, not to go hang out with your friends.
Don't wear one normally.
Put it on before and during the sexual activities.
WAP: Wet Ass Pneumonia.
Well, you know what?
Pneumonia could be wet if there's a lot of phlegm,
and that phlegm could be of different colors.
- [Sam] How can you tell it's pneumonia?
- Because of the haziness over the pulmonic fields.
Do you see the ECG leads?
- [Sam] Mm-hmm.
- I bet you thought those were inside the human.
- [Sam] I did, actually.
- Yep.
- [Sam] They're on top
of the skin? - They're on top of the human,
unless this person's a robot.
Ma'am, you just had a baby. You need to sit down.
Dr. Mike says it's dangerous.
Hold on a second. We gotta put some context in here.
I said sitting chronically for long periods of time
and becoming sedentary is dangerous,
not if you just experienced birth,
or you were in a traumatic accident,
and you think sitting is bad.
No, not how it works. Context.
My blood cells having to coagulate again
every time after I pick the scab of my wound.
Stop picking your scabs, folks. Keep 'em covered.
They heal better that way.
Doctor: This surgery is gonna be very risky.
Patient: Can I get a second opinion?
Doctor: Yes. You're very ugly too.
Why do doctors have to give a second opinion like this?
Second opinion means you walk out the door,
you bring in one of your colleagues
to give the second opinion.
And if they wanna call the patient ugly,
that's their business.
Whats this 4,000 hat charge?
That's for the hat.
We don't give babies top hats.
We sometimes give them the hats that put pressure
on their heads in order to change the shape,
or help cultivate the shape of a normal-shaped head,
'cause remember, there are sutures in the cranium,
and the baby's cranium is not fully developed
when it comes out, so it's soft and malleable.
This gentleman is picking up a very heavy peanut.
Oh no, he's milking a peanut.
That's almond milk, and almonds don't have udders.
If they did, this would be very awkward.
I like to maintain a well-rounded diet.
There's other rounded foods that are healthy:
tomatoes, nuts, onions, if you chop 'em in a round shape.
(crickets chirping)
Chickpeas.
10 o'clock appointment. I'll see you at 10:45.
Yeah, that happens.
We're not always the one to blame,
and we don't laugh like this.
This is an incorrect
(mouse clicks)
image.
Solution to medical care crisis:
Get rid of medical schools.
Replace with eight-week certificate program.
Flood the market with new doctors. Bring down surgery costs.
Okay, is this a real tweet?
This can't be a real tweet.
- [Dan] It was a real tweet. I believe it's a joke.
- I hope it's a joke.
Flooding the market
with new doctors does now bring down surgery costs.
It brings up surgical errors.
Five-hour rule.
(laughs)
Yes, snails, I get it.
Do snails eat with a mouth?
If you had a snail, and you spilled a little coffee,
does it drink the coffee, and then have a wonderful day?
(camera person laughs)
Yes, I'm sexually active.
The dentist: I didn't ask.
Actually, dentists should ask about oral sex,
because, very important, if you start seeing oral lesions,
and you know the person's having unprotected oral sex,
you could then say that perhaps some
of these lesions need to be biopsied,
because remember, HPV,
one of the most common transmitted viruses
through sexual activities, can cause oral lesions,
which can be cancerous.
The same thing happens to the cervix.
That's why we do pap smears.
Inspiring woman becomes professional surfer
despite shark biting head off.
What? You can't surf without a head.
You can't do a lot of things (camera person laughs)
without a head, but surfing is definitely on that list,
and I don't say that because of your brain.
That's the easy answer.
I say that as a medical professional,
who knows the equilibrium center that allows you
to keep a balance on a surfboard
is in the semicircular canals within the ears.
And with no head, you have no semicircular canals,
therefore, you will not be able
to balance on a surfboard.
Of course, the brain is a part of the equation,
but that's not where the art of this meme lies.
The effects of microplastics are devastating.
Some girls are just born with glitter in their veins.
I would've probably made a joke,
something about the fact
that we're all injecting filler and plastics into our faces.
But, you know, glitter's cool, too.
Grim reaper.
Yeah, you gotta bend the knees,
because when you lift with your back like that,
the strain you're putting on your spinal column
and the paraspinal muscles is just ridiculous.
The sun never stood a chance.
Oh yeah, my man's got sunblock for days.
Paramedic arriving on the scene:
Oh my God, his face is totally disfigured.
Me, only hurt my leg: What?
Oh, that's messed up.
That's literally what happened
when the EMT arrived at my car accident
when I crashed my Audi TTS because of a spider.
They said, "What happened? Why did you crash?
Were you texting and driving?"
No, I killed a spider. Permanent embarrassment.
Honey, come look.
I found some information all the world's top scientists
and doctors missed.
(Doctor Mike laughs)
We are all in the business
of trying to help our patients live healthier, longer lives,
but some people think they found the answer.
And I don't understand the egos on those people,
how they think that we've missed those answers.
I know they say we've been brainwashed,
and this and this.
We can't say we've all been brainwashed.
That's not giving us any credit.
And the the most interesting part is
if you end up in the emergency room,
you give us all the credit.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
The elbows are neglected, and we need to show them love.
Alphabet soup for children. Alphabet soup for doctors.
That's true.
But they should also say
that this alphabet soup for doctors is not ideal
for people with cardiomyopathy,
because that's ramen noodles,
and there's a ton of sodium in that.
It's like a sodium bomb.
Real Doctor Mike, hey, so my store sells this.
Now wondering what you think?
I saw this when I was at my boxing match in Arizona,
and I could not stop laughing.
Oxygen to go is everywhere.
If you walk outside, there's oxygen right here.
I'm talking, there's oxygen.
They write recovery, performance, health.
They wrote three words with no meaning of what it is.
They just put three nouns,
and they think that you're gonna love it.
It says no prescription necessary,
yet you don't need a prescription for air.
Ultra lightweight.
Air is everywhere. Of course it's lightweight.
And it says convenient.
You know what's convenient?
(inhaling sharply)
Mad lightweight, mad convenient,
recovery, performance, health.
(bell dings)
I don't understand how cloning works.
That makes two of us.
That makes three of us.
If you said, "Mike, I'll give you a million dollars.
Explain how cloning works right now."
I have no idea.
Doctor: There's 50% chance of success in this surgery.
Me: Then do it twice.
Not how it works.
The more times you do it, the more risks you get. So yeah.
You ever give the trashcan CPR
so it can fit more trash?
Oh, 'cause you gotta go like this.
Now when I see a trashcan that's full, I say that's it.
You don't wanna overfill it with trash, versus a human,
you gotta give them CPR.
See what I'm saying? I don't.
Telemedicine pediatric visits had to be devastating
for this thing industry.
Oh my God, so true.
By the way, this thing,
every sick child is sitting there coughing, sneezing,
puking, whatever, and then playing with this thing,
and then they end up giving rhinovirus, enterovirus,
parainfluenza virus, influenza virus, enterovirus,
to the entire medical office that plays with it afterwards.
Your results aren't good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
I drink it.
(laughs)
The question is, do you smoke, or do you drink alcohol?
Not both.
Walks into pharmacy.
Hello, yes, I would like
to purchase one mental health please.
Honestly, I need that right now
after looking at these memes.
Check out this video where I go grocery shopping,
and explain to you the reasoning
as to why I make certain choices.
It might help you with your grocery list.
As always, stay happy and healthy.
(upbeat hip-hop music)