WHEN I GOT IN TOWN, I WENT TO A MCDONALD'S.
I WALKED IN.
I ORDERED A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER VALUE MEAL
WITH A HI-C ORANGE DRINK.
SHE PUNCHES IN MY ORDER.
I HAD FORGOTTEN TO SAY NO PICKLE.
SO I'M LIKE, "OOH, I'M SORRY.
I DON'T WANT PICKLE ON THAT."
SHE GOES LIKE, "TSH!
[LAUGHTER] NO PICKLE ON THAT DOUBLE
CHEESE!" OKAY, WHY THE DRAMA?
IT'S JUST PICKLES.
[LAUGHTER] SHE GOES TO POUR MY DRINK.
I CAN SEE THAT SHE'S POURING ME A SPRITE.
SO I SAY POLITELY, "I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T WANT A SPRITE.
I WANTED A HI-C ORANGE DRINK."
HER RESPONSE, "TSH!" [LAUGHTER]
SO NOW I'M LIKE, "WHAT IS UP WITH THIS SKANK-ASS CHICK?"
[LAUGHTER] BUT I DON'T SAY ANYTHING
'CAUSE I DON'T MESS WITH PEOPLE WHO TOUCH MY FOOD.
[LAUGHTER] SO FINALLY MY ORDER COMES UP
AND SHE BASICALLY THROWS IT ON THE COUNTER AT ME.
SO I'M LIKE, "HOLD UP, S-LICK.
I THOUGHT MCDONALD'S WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE FAST AND
"FRIENDLY" SERVICE."
SHE WAS LIKE, "THAT'S AT PARTICIPATING MCDONALD'S AND
WE AIN'T PARTICIPATING."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] SO NEEDLESS TO SAY I WAS
A BIT PERTURBED.
AND I WAY RUN INTO DRAMA-- BUT AT LEAST COMEDY CENTRAL'S
GOT ME STAYING AT A NICE HOTEL.
I DO A LOT OF TRAVELING AND THE LAST TIME I STAYED AT A
HOTEL IT WASN'T IN A GOOD ONE.
IT WASN'T A GOOD ONE.
WHEN I GET TO TOWN I USUALLY LIKE TO TAKE A SHOWER AND
A NAP BEFORE MY SHOW.
I GO INTO THE BATHROOM OF THIS HOTEL AND THIS IS WHAT I FIND.
[LAUGHTER] UM, THIS IS THE SOAP WITH
WHICH I AM TO WASH ALL OF MY FLESH.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] OKAY.
YOU DON'T SEE MY PROBLEM.
[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE] [COUGHS]
YEAH.
UM...
I'M NOT GONNA MENTION WHERE ELSE THIS GETS LOST.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES] I'M GLAD YOU FOUND THAT AMUSING.
I STAY IN A LOT OF HOTELS.
I WATCH A LOT OF HOTEL CABLE.
I RECENTLY SAW A SPECIAL ON ONE OF THOSE NATURE CHANNELS
ABOUT THE LIONS OF THE SERENGETI.
DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW HOW A FEMALE LION SIGNALS TO THE MALE
AS TO THE END OF A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER?
SHE ATTACKS HIM.
SHE VICIOUSLY SWIPES AT HIS HEAD AND THEN TRIES TO BITE HIM
IN THE NECK.
I'M WATCHING THIS AND I'M THINKING, "WHAT A COINCIDENCE
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'M THE SAME WAY."
NO, BUT IT'S TRUE.
SHE'S LIKE, "ALRIGHT, ALREADY.
BACK THE HELL UP."
[LAUGHTER] BUT WHAT'S ODD IS THE MALE,
HE'S COOL ABOUT IT.
HE DOESN'T LET IT BOTHER HIM.
'CAUSE HE KNOWS IN ANOTHER FEW MINUTES SHE'S GONNA WANT
HIS GOODS AGAIN.
HOW DOES HE KNOW THIS?
BECAUSE LIONS HAVE SEX EVERY 20 MINUTES WHILE THE FEMALE'S
IN HEAT.
YEAH.
HA-HA-HA-HA.
SO BASICALLY SHE SWINGS ON HIM AND THEN SHE'S LIKE, "ALRIGHT,
BRING YOUR ASS."
SEX EVERY 20 MINUTES.
I'M WATCHING THIS AND I'M THINKING, "WHAT A COINCIDENCE
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'M THE SAME--"
NO.
[LAUGHTER] COME ON.
OKAY, SO THEY DO THE WILD KINGDOM THING, AS IT MAY BE,
EVERY 20 MINUTES WHILE SHE'S IN HEAT.
LET'S SAY SHE'S IN HEAT FOR THREE DAYS.
THAT IS 216 SEXUAL EPISODES IN 72 HOURS.
216 TIMES IN THREE DAYS YET SOME OF YOU SELF-PROCLAIMED
MACS LIKE TO BRAG ABOUT DOING IT TWICE IN AN HOUR BEFORE
SLIPPING INTO A COMA.
[SNORES] [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE, LADIES?
I TEND TO BELIEVE THAT THERE WILL COME A DAY WHERE MAN AND
ANIMAL-KIND DWELL TOGETHER ON THIS PLANET IN HARMONY AND THERE
WILL BE PARTIES.
PERHAPS KEGGERS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S GONNA WORK.
THE MALES WILL BE GATHERED AROUND THE KEG TALKING ABOUT
THEIR CONQUESTS, THEIR ESCAPADES, WHAT HAVE YOU.
ONE GUY WILL BE LIKE, "YO, BRO, CHECK IT OUT.
I HIT IT [CLICK, CLICK] TWICE LAST NIGHT.
YEAH.
[LAUGHTER] I KNOCKED IT OUT."
AND THE LION'S GONNA HEAR THIS.
"TWICE?
WHAT?
DID IT HURT WHEN SHE SMACKED YOU IN THE HEAD?
IS THAT WHY YOU QUIT, YOU PUNK ASS?
YOU MAMA'S-BOY, YOU LITTLE BITCH?"
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] BUT YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL WHEN
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A MAN'S PERFORMANCE, LADIES.
'CAUSE MEN GET THEIR EGOS BRUISED.
THAT'S WHY WOMEN OFTEN HAVE TO STROKE AND MASSAGE THE MALE
EGO.
YOU KNOW, BUILD IT BACK UP.
YEAH, YOU GOT ME.
I'M CURIOUS AS TO WHETHER OR NOT THE LIONESS HAS TO DO
THIS.
LET'S SAY HER MATE CAN ONLY DO IT 215 TIMES.
AND SHE LIKE, "THAT'S ALRIGHT, BOB.
IT HAPPENS TO EVERY LION."
[LAUGHTER] "YOU'RE STILL THE KING OF MY
JUNGLE."
HA!
PERHAPS.
BUT YOU KNOW ONCE SHE LEAVES THE DEN AND SHE'S HANGING
WITH HER GIRLFRIENDS IT'S A DIFFERENT STORY.
215 TIMES, LADIES?
HE'S LOSING IT.
YEAH, I THINK I'M GONNA START SEEING TONY, YOU KNOW,
THE TIGER?
[LAUGHTER] GIRL, I HEAR HE IS GRRRR-EAT!
[APPLAUSE]