- Then I feel something tickle my anus.
It felt like a feather.
I turn around. There's no one there.
So now I think something paranormal is happening.
Like it's Liberace's ghost going, "Hi."
[grunts]
[dark electronic music]
♪
[grunting]
♪
[grunting]
♪
[cheers and applause]
- Ladies and gentlemen, he's got his own podcast
called TigerBelly.
Please give it up for the hilarious comic
Mr. Bobby Lee, everybody. Let him hear it.
♪
So this story happened 15 years ago.
It involves sexualities, and it's unholy,
and 15 years ago, I just want to let you guys know
that I just couldn't get laid.
I'm shaped like a human dumpling.
I look like Pikachu with diabetes.
I don't look good.
I don't even know how to fuck.
This is what I do, like a Hula-Hoop.
This is how I fuck.
So 15 years ago,
I got a gig in Las Vegas,
my first headlining gig at the Riviera,
and they were gonna pay me $150.
Thank you. One show.
And--I'm making it.
And they wouldn't fly me out,
so I had these two comics drive me to Las Vegas,
Bryan [bleep].
He's a real guy.
And Aaron [bleep],
and we drive to Las Vegas,
and we're on Las Vegas Boulevard.
We're at a stoplight, and we're in Bryan's Bronco.
And a truck pulls up next to us,
a blue truck, with two of the ugliest white girls
I've ever seen in my fuckin' life.
They were twins.
They had mullets.
They had Confederate flag T-shirts on.
They had acid-washed jeans.
I'm getting hard right now.
[laughter]
And they yell into the car, "We think you're cute."
They weren't talking about me.
They weren't talking about Bryan, 'cause Bryan
is the ugliest white dude I've ever seen.
If you know Bryan [bleep],
he has no jawline or fuckin' chin.
His neck just blends into his face.
He looks like a tiki statue
or Beaker from "The Muppets."
He looks awful. He has a Gollum body.
You know how white guys have skinny arms and a belly?
God damn, he's unfuckable.
Anyway, guys, the reason why I just said that--
I called them out, because I asked them
to do this story with me, and he says, "No, I have kids."
Fuck you, Bryan.
That's what you get.
They were talking about Aaron,
and Aaron jumped out of the Bronco.
He goes into the truck, and they just
drive into the distance, you know what I mean?
We're like, "Hope you don't die," you know?
So we go to the Riviera, and it's, like, 9:00 p.m.,
and I tell Bryan, I go, "Bryan, I need to write a set list,
"so you just do your own thing.
I'll see you at the show. It's at midnight."
So I go do my set list.
At midnight, I show up at the Riviera,
and Aaron and Bryan rolls up
with these two girls,
and Aaron pulls me aside, and he says, "Hey, dude,
if you're funny, they'll fuck you."
And I got, "Nah."
Then Aaron goes, "Hey, 'cause they're white supremacists."
I swear to fucking God.
So then, "Yes, I'll do it then."
Because if you're ethnic and you fuck two white supremacists,
that's a win for my people.
[laughter]
They're gonna build a statue of me in Seoul.
So I go up, and I do the show,
and I'm pretty good, you know what I mean?
I'm likeable.
Focus groups like me.
I test well.
And after the show,
we go up to the room,
and it's debauchery.
I mean, the air is thick.
It's like a Cambodian jungle.
You can slice the air with a machete,
you know what I mean?
And we were all wearing condoms.
[laughs]
So it's two hours of just sexualities, and...
I get the skinny one.
We switch off.
So... [giggling]
eventually, I have the fat one on the bed, right?
One of 'em was fat, by the way.
I'm doing doggie style,
and Aaron has the other one in the other bed,
and I look around. "Where the fuck's Bryan?"
Nobody knows where Bryan is.
He disappeared.
The bathroom light is off, right?
So he's not in there.
So I go, "Fuck him." I keep going, right?
Then I feel something...
tickle my anus.
It felt like a feather.
I turn around. There's no one there.
So now I think something paranormal is happening.
Like it's Liberace's ghost going,
"Hi," or whatever.
So I keep going, right?
Then I definitely feel something
rubbing against my anus, right?
Bryan had crawled underneath my body,
underneath her body, and started eating her out
while I was fucking her,
which makes him a warrior.
He's a fucking soldier, guys.
I gave him a Purple Heart afterwards, seriously.
And I go, "Get the fuck out of there."
He goes, "She likes it. She likes it."
So all right. I keep going.
I start power fucking her. You know how you do it?
You power fuck?
You speak English?
He said, "I don't know power fuck."
I go rapid, ka-ka-ka, you know what I mean?
And my penis slips out,
and it goes right into Bryan's eye.
[laughter]
I've never heard a scream that loud before.
[screams]
You know, it is fucking crazy.
And then we stopped immediately.
Putting a penis in an eye
is a party-stopper.
I don't care where you are, right?
It just ruins the mood.
You can get a gold medal at the Olympics
as they're putting the fucking ribbon around your neck,
and a P goes in your eye, it's done, okay?
So anyway, we get up, and I take him to breakfast.
[laughing]
I do,
'cause I'm a good person, you know what I mean?
So we're at breakfast,
and we're eating bacon or whatever.
and I look across,
and Bryan's eye is completely closed
with a yellow film around it.
crowd: Ooh.
- I know.
And I go, "Dude, your eye."
He goes, "I think we should go to the hospital.
It burns."
I go, "Nah.
Put some Clorox on it or whatever."
I wanted him to lose the eye
just for the story.
I blinded a man with my penis once.
So we get in the car. It's 6:00 in the morning.
I'm fuckin' tired.
You speak English? You all right? All right...
we drive to the hospital, and I don't know what to say.
I've never told a doctor
that I poked somebody in the eye with my penis before.
Do you lie? What the fuck do you do?
So Bryan goes, "I got it."
So we're sitting there in the emergency room.
Doctor walks in. He says, "What happened?"
Bryan points at me. He says, "He skull-fucked me."
[laughter]
That was the story.
Thank you.
[dark electronic music]
♪