THANKS FOR BEING HERE, WELCOME TO OUR SHOW, DID EVERYONE WATCH
THE OSCARS LAST NIGHT?
WONDERFUL.
IF YOU WATCHED, JIMMY KIMMEL DID AN AMAZING JOB HOSTING.
IF YOU DIDN'T WATCH, I'M PROUD TO REPORT "PETER RABBIT" WON
EVERYTHING.
IT WON-- TRUST ME.
CLEAN SWEEP.
CONGRATULATIONS TO GUILLERMO DEL TORO, HIS MOVIE THE SHAPE OF
WATER WON BEST PICTURE.
(APPLAUSE) SUCH A BEAUTIFUL FILM.
NOW SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING THAT THEY DIDN'T THINK THAT WAS THE
FILM THAT SHOULD HAVE WONMENT BUT I AM GOING TO GO AHEAD AND
I'M GOING TO SAY IT AND I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS, I
DON'T.
THE SHAPE OF WATER IS THE BEST MOVIE ABOUT A WOMAN FALLING IN
LOVE WITH A FISH MONSTER WHILE WORKING IN A GOVERNMENT FACILITY
THAT HAS EVER BEEN MADE, EVER.
YEAH, I SAID IT.
SAID IT (APPLAUSE)
THERE WAS SOME DRAMA AT A PARTY AFTER THE OSCARS.
FRANCES McDORMAND WHO WON BEST ACTRESS FOR HER ROLE FOR THREE
BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI, BRIEFLY HAD HER OSCAR
STOLEN BUT THE THIEF WAS STOPPED BY WOLFGANG PUCK'S PHOTOGRAPHER.
(LAUGHTER) AND THE WEIRDEST PART OF THIS
STORY IS THAT WOLFGANG PUCK HAS A PHOTOGRAPHER.
(LAUGHTER) POLICE ASKED THE PHOTOGRAPHER
FOR PECK TURES OF THE ALLEGED THIEF AND THEY ALSO ASKED FOR
THE RES PEA FOR THAT DELICIOUS CREME BRULE.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE RICH, YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE RICH WHEN YOU PAY
ANOTHER GUY TO TAKE INSTAGRAM PICTURES OF YOUR FOOD.
THAT'S WHEN YOU HAVE MADE IT WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO WITH FRANCES
McDORMAND'S STOLEN OSCAR, LIKE DO YOU BRING TO TO A PAWN SHOP
AND ARE LIKE I HAVE GOT FRANCES McDORMAND'S OSCAR HERE, DO YOU
WANT TO BUY TMENT AND THE GUY IS LIKE, IS IT STOLEN?
AND YOU'RE LIKE-- NO?
AT FIRST FRANCES TRIED TO FIND THE THIEF ALL BY HERSELFMENT
TAKE A LOOK.
BEST ACTRESS, OSCAR STOLEN.
STILL NO ARRESTS.
NEVER MIND.
WOLFGANG PUCK'S PHOTOGRAPHER FOUND IT WAIT, WHY DOES WOLFGANG
PUCK HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHER.
MEANWHILE IN TECH NEWS MICROSOFT JOE FOUNDER PAUL ALLEN HAS
ANNOUNCED HE WILL INVEST $125 MILLION DOLLARS IN A RESEARCH
LAP TO TEACH ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE MACHINES COMMON
SENSE.
YEAH.
AND IF IT WORKS, THEY'RE GOING TO TRY IT WITH CONGRESS AND GUN
LAWS.
(APPLAUSE) I'M NOT SURE I LIKE THE IDEA OF
INANIMATE OBJECTS HAVING COMMON SENSE.
I DON'T NEED MY REFRIGERATOR TO BE LIKE YEAH, MAYBE YOU DON'T
NEED ANY MORE ICE CREAM.
AND WE HAVE TO TELL BUT THIS.
A NEW STUDY CLAIMS THAT AFTER YOU FACTOR IN DRIVING COSTS AND
MAINTENANCE, NEARLY A THIRD OF UBER DRIVERS ARE ACTUALLY LOSING
MONEY ON THE JOB.
EVEN WORSE, THIS STUDY GIVES UBER DRIVERS YET ANOTHER
CONVERSATION STARTER.
(LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW IT ACTUALLY COSTS ME TO
DO THIS.
AND FINALLY, SOME HOSPITAL WORKERS IN KENYA HAVE BEEN
SUSPENDED AFTER DOCTORS PERFORMED BRAIN SURGERY, GET
THIS, ON THE WRONG PATIENT.
NOW I GUESS THOSE BRAIN SURGEONS WEREN'T EXACTLY ROCKET
SCIENTISTS.
(APPLAUSE) BUT THE DOCTORS SAID THEY GOT
LUCKY.
TURNS OUT THEY REMOVED THE PART OF THE PATIENT'S BRAIN THAT
WANTS TO PRESS CHARGES.
THE HOSPITAL DID AN INVESTIGATION AND IT'S PRETTY
SCARY.
IT TURNS OUT THAT THE DOCTOR WAS ONLY MOONLIGHTING AS A BRAIN
SURGEON BECAUSE HE WASN'T MAKING ENOUGH MONEY DRIVING FOR UBER.
GUYS, COME ON.
THE CRAZIEST PART OF THIS WHOLE STORY IS THAT DOCTORS DIDN'T
EVEN REALIZE THEIR MISTAKE UNTIL THEY WERE HOURS INTO THE
SURGERY.
WHICH HAS TO BE AWKWARD WHEN YOU'VE GOT A PERSON'S ENTIRE
CRANEIUM CRACKED WIDE OPEN AND YOU'RE LIKE WHAT?