Hey, it is so great to be
doing live comedy again.
I can't believe I am saying that.
You know, that's the thing
about this pandemic,
we start bragging about things
that we were just so routine
before it all hit, right?
It's like, "Hey Greg,
"what'd you do last weekend?"
Went outside.
"No way!"
(audience laughing)
What'd you do?
Put on pants?
"Shut up."
(audience laughing)
Yeah, we're all doing
these just crazy things
and here's the thing,
I mean, it started out fun.
The pandemic did right?
You remember that
when it first started,
my company was like,
"Oh, we can do this."
I mean this is going to last like
what two weeks or something?
We can all self quarantine,
but here's the problem,
everybody in this audience,
I guarantee you, knows somebody
who is still in stage one,
the fun stage of that pandemic,
and these are the most
annoying people I've ever met.
My next door neighbor,
I can't talk to this dude anymore.
Every time I go over
to see him, he's like,
"Hey Greg, look at me,
"lost another three pounds.
"You know, because I'm not
"eating restaurant crap anymore.
"I'm self isolating and so
"I'm cooking at home
"and I'm saving money,
"'cause I canceled
"my gym membership
"and I'm doing
"online virtual workouts
"and I'm watching documentaries
"on the history channel.
"Did you see that 12 part series
"of the Byzantine era?
"That was fascinating!
(audience laughing)
"What have you been doing?"
Well, I just ate an
entire carton of Rocky Road
because the title matches
the mood in my house.
(audience laughing)
I gotta say I saw the
best social distancing sign
just yesterday,
it's in this town.
It's on the campus of BYU.
Where are the BYU people again?
Where are they back there?
Okay so, there you go.
Okay go to the student center.
It's outside the student center,
here's the sign,
"Show you care, stay over there."
(audience laughing)
I'm not kidding.
It's like wow, I saw that and I'm like,
oh wow, thanks Provo for
inviting me into your city.
(audience laughing)
I'll talk fast so I can
get out of here sooner.
(audience laughing)
Will that make you happy?
Why don't you just say,
"Show you care,
"don't touch me, I swear."
(audience laughing)
I have no problem,
working from home.
I've been doing it for 25 years.
As a matter of fact,
soon as I started
working out of my house,
I put in a home office phone menu
to make it seem like
I'm a much bigger deal than I am,
so now when you call my office,
you hear
"Hello, thanks for
"calling Greg Schwem.
"For a company directory, press one.
(beeping sound)
"Please spell Greg Schwem's name.
(audience laughing)
"For the letter Q press the star key.
"Now being transferred
"to Greg Schwem."
(beeping sound)
"Hi, this is Greg,
"I'm not at my desk right now,
"but if this matter is time sensitive,
"press zero for the operator.
(beeping sound)
"Hi, this is Greg, I'm not at
"the operator's desk right now.
"I'm running back to my own desk,
"'cause I just heard the phone ring.
"I'm guessing it was probably you."
(audience laughing)
Honestly for a while,
I didn't think I'd be
doing comedy again.
I didn't think comedy clubs
were ever going to come back.
I thought I had to find
another line of work,
so I started sending out my resume.
Well, I didn't really do that.
You don't send your resume
out anymore.
You know what you do,
now, you send it to
these job sharing sites
and then they look at it and
they send you job openings
based on your—
that they think match up
with your skillset
and after a few weeks,
you know what,
I realized—of getting emails,
you know what I realized?
This country is in desperate need
of forklift operators to
work the overnight shift.
(audience laughing)
Like, "Gee, Mr. Schwem,
"you're a comedian and a journalist.
"Well I think that qualifies you
"to drive heavy equipment through
"an Amazon warehouse at 3:00 a.m.
"When can you start?
(audience laughing)
Anybody else get emails like this?
I mean, who is crunching the data
on these websites?
I got this one not long ago,
"Mr. Schwem based on your skillset,
"we think you would
"make an outstanding
"U.S. border patrol agent."
(audience laughing)
Based on my skill, what skills
are you referring to exactly?
Congratulations Agent Schwem.
You had the Colombian drug cartel
laughing so hard that our
other agents were able to
sneak past and intercept that
freighter full of cocaine,
congratulations.