I WANT TO APOLOGIZE UP TOP FOR LOOKING LIKE
AN INDIAN ELLEN DEGENERES.
[laughter]
GUYS, I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES. WE ALL LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.
AND IT IS A DELIGHT!
SOME OF MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN MOVING TO L.A.
THE ONE PERSON THAT'S DOING REALLY, REALLY WELL
IS MY FRIEND KYLIE.
AND SHE'S, LIKE, SUPER, SUPER HOT.
LIKE, WAY-- LIKE, SHE'S A DISTRACTION.
AND SHE GETS THE JOB IN L.A.
THAT ALL REALLY, REALLY HOT GIRLS GET.
SHE WORKS AT A NIGHTCLUB,
WHICH, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS KNOW,
BASICALLY, WHAT THAT JOB ENTAILS
IS YOU BE SUPER HOT, WEAR A LOW-CUT SHIRT,
AND MAKE MORE THAN AN ENGINEER IN ONE NIGHT.
SHE SHOWED ME ONE OF THE RECEIPTS.
TWO DUDES SPENT $10,000 ON BOTTLES.
AND I NEVER GO TO CLUBS SO I WAS, LIKE,
"SO WHAT WERE THEY CELEBRATING?
"WAS IT--WAS IT SOME SORT OF ANNIVERSARY?
A
AND SHE WAS LIKE, "NO, YOU IDIOT.
"THEY'RE BALLERS, IT'S A TUESDAY.
THAT'S WHAT THEY DO."
AND I WAS, LIKE, WE HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME
TRYING TO RAISE MONEY IN THIS COUNTRY.
EVERY TIME A DISASTER HAPPENS, WE HAVE TO PUT TOGETHER
SOME SHITTY CONCERT WHERE SOME TERRIBLE BAND YOU HATE
RUINS SOME SONG YOU DO LIKE,
AND IT MAKES YOU LIKE THE TSUNAMI.
AND IT'S LIKE, WHY DON'T WE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THESE DUDES?
'CAUSE THE ONLY TIME DUDES ARE JUST GIVING MONEY AWAY
EXTEMPORANEOUSLY IS WHEN THEY'RE BALLERS
AND THEY'RE AROUND HOT CHICKS.
AND I, FOR ONE, WOULD LIKE TO LIVE IN A WORLD
WHERE I WALK INTO A BAR, AND AS I'M BEING KICKED OUT
FOR WEARING A FANNY PACK,
I SEE THREE DUDES UP IN THE MEZZANINE,
AND THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, YO,
"LET ME GET EIGHT BOTTLES OF CIROC
"AND $10,000 TO AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL.
SHAKE THAT ASS, BITCH!"
AND THERE'S JUST A GIRL JUST, LIKE...
[moaning, groaning]
"YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD PERSON.
POUR YOUR HUMANITARIANISM ON ME."
SO I'VE BEEN DATING THIS GIRL FOR A COUPLE MONTHS NOW.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER HAD THE UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT
OF MEETING YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S FRIENDS FOR THE FIRST TIME.
THEY FEEL LIKE THEY DISCOVERED THE DA VINCI CODE.
THEY COME UP TO YOU, THEY'RE LIKE,
"OH... SO YOU'RE DATING SUSAN.
"OK. WOW. YOU SEE, THIS IS THE GUY.
WOW. HERE WE GO."
THAT'S FINE.
I DON'T THINK WE'RE DATING BASED OFF OF TIME.
WE'RE REALLY DATING AS A UNIT
WHEN I CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY YOU DINNER ANYMORE.
THAT'S WHEN WE'RE REALLY DATING.
BECAUSE WHAT IS IT UP UNTIL THEN?
IT'S JUST TWO PEOPLE HANGING OUT,
AND THEN ONE PERSON'S LOSING ALL OF HIS SAVINGS.
THAT'S ALL IT IS. [cheers and applause]
WE'RE REALLY DATING WHEN WE HAVE TO SIT IN MY APARTMENT
AND THEN YOU TELL ME IDEAS ON WHAT YOU WANT TO DO TONIGHT
AND THEN I SAY NO TO ALL OF THEM.
AND TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,
THAT'S WHY GIRLS DON'T DATE POOR GUYS.
IT GETS TOO REAL TOO QUICKLY.
COUPONS ON THE FIRST DATE? GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.
YOU KNOW WHY? IT RUINS THE ONE THING
ALL GIRLS LIKE: SPONTANEOUS.
GIRLS LOVE SPONTANEOUS!
AND THE SAD PART IS
WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS TO HAPPEN,
THEY DON'T EVEN WANT IT FOR THE EXPERIENCE
THAT WE'RE HAVING AS A COUPLE, THEY JUST WANT IT
SO THEY COULD HAVE A BETTER STORY
THAN THEIR FUCKING FRIENDS.
SO THEY'LL JUST BE HANGING OUT AT BRUNCH
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
AND THE GIRL THAT KNOWS SHE HAS A GOOD STORY
IS LIKE--SHE KNOWS.
SHE'S TELLING EVERYONE TO SHUT UP.
YOU KNOW, SHE'S LIKE,
"NANCY, PUT-- PUT YOUR MENU DOWN.
"SUSAN, PUT YOUR MIMOSA DOWN, 'KAY?
"THIS STORY'S GONNA EXPLODE YOUR BRAINS, 'KAY?
"SO I'VE BEEN DATING MIKE FOR, LIKE, TWO WEEKS, RIGHT?
"HE TELLS ME, 'LET'S GO TO THE GROCERY STORE.'
"I SAY, 'WAIT, LET ME PUT ON MY YOGA PANTS,' OKAY?
"WE GET IN THE CAR, WE DON'T GO TO THE GROCERY STORE.
"WE GO TO SANTA MONICA AIRPORT,
"GET ON A TINY BIPLANE,
GO TO WINE COUNTRY, RIDE HORSES."
SPONTANEOUS!
NOW, AT THIS POINT, EVERY OTHER GIRL AT THIS TABLE--
THEIR BRAIN HAS EXPLODED.
THEY'RE JUST LIKE, "AAH! GOD DAMN IT!
SO SPONTANEOUS!"
THEY'RE, LIKE, PUSHING EACH OTHER,
THROWING CREPES IN THE AIR.
IT'S MADNESS.
THE WORST PART ABOUT THAT IS ALL THE GIRLS WHO DID NOT
HAVE THAT SPONTANEOUS THING HAPPEN TO THEM--
THEY ALL LEAVE, BUT NOW WITH THIS AMMUNITION
FOR A FIGHT WITH THEIR BOYFRIEND
WHO DOES NOT EVEN KNOW THIS EXISTS.
SO THERE'S JUST A GUY LIKE ME, JUST AT HOME.
AND MY GIRLFRIEND COMES IN, I'M LIKE,
[tiny voice] "HEY, HONEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?"
"HOW AM I DOING?
I'M NOT IN A FUCKING BIPLANE, IS HOW I'M DOING!"