♪♪
-A pizza slice is not a triangle.
It is a sector,
because the short side is an arc.
[ Laughter ]
I said I've come to terms with the fact
that I'm never gonna say "eureka!"
in a moment of discovery.
Then I had to clarify because --
and these are my words -- I said
some eagle-eyed viewers caught that I had said "eureka"
in a previous "Corrections,"
and then a bunch of you piled on
and said it actually wouldn't require eagle eyes,
because it would be something that we heard.
Unless the volume was down
and you were watching the closed captioning.
Ya burnt.
[ Laughter ]
We said that based on the regularity
with which he commits crimes, it would not be surprising
if on the day he announced he was running for president,
Donald Trump shoplifted a pair of earrings from Claire's.
We then zoomed in, and in his hand,
a bunch of you said
that's actually a 20-pack of earrings from Claire's.
So he didn't just steal one pair of earrings, he stole 20.
But what if, in the world we had built,
he paid for 19...
[ Laughter ]
...and then stole one?
Why do you all have to jump to the worst-case scenario
with this man?
Of whom I'm not a fan!
But this "guilty until proven innocent" has to stop.
Shame on you.
You guys, a few years back,
Randy Johnson killed a burn.
[ Laughter ]
He killed a bird. We all saw it.
We all know we were supposed to feel bad.
We loved it.
He killed a bird.
The bird was, I discovered,' a mourning dove,
spelled M-O-U-R-N.
I then made the observation
that if a bird already in mourning
was hit by a baseball
and exploded,
that would be like a hearse
driving off the side of a cliff.
A lot to unpack here.
[ Laughter ]
Let's begin. Alright.
I was told by a lot of you the analogy doesn't work
because a hearse going off a cliff
would only take the life of the hearse driver,
who is not in mourning.
He's just working.
[ Laughter ]
Like, he has no... He's just a guy doing his job.
Like, that's just freight.
[ Laughter ]
Nothing more, nothing less.
He just punched in,
drove that coffin from there to there,
punched out.
With that said, I'm sure professional hearse drivers
would tell you you want to maintain, like, stoicism.
You want to feel -- you want to project sadness.
You don't want to just be like, "Load 'em up!"
[ Laughter ]
"My third one today!
Must be something going around."
[ Laughter ]
"Hey, lady, your husband like Night Ranger?
Might blast some tunes."
[ Laughter ]
"On the way to the G-yard."
[ Laughter ]
Also, I was told another error
in that you can't drive off the side of a cliff.
You can only drive off the top of a cliff
and then you plummet down the side.
With that said, if everybody --
anybody ever tells any of you jackals
they lost a loved one
when their car went over the side of a cliff,
let it go.
[ Laughter ]
We were talking about doves and pigeons,
and we talked about pigeons cooing.
I thought pigeons and doves sounded the same.
I was told they're very different.
Here's the sound of a pigeon.
[ Pigeon cooing ]
Here's the sound of a dove.
[ Dove cooing ]
And here is the sound
of a white-winged dove.
[ "The Edge of 17" plays ] -♪ Ooh, ooh ooh ♪
[ Laughter ]
Any Nicks fans in the house?
[ Laughter ]
We're coming up on Emmy season,
which means a lot of people in the biz
are coming down with Emmy fever.
Emmy fever, it should be noted,
CAN be treated with ivermectin.
[ Laughter ]
A couple of -- couple of squirts from the old tube.
[ Laughing ]
Hey, I've been making clear
that the Specjackular is not and has never been
an episode of "Corrections."
It is its own thing.
One might even say you would categorize it differently.
But then a bunch of you said,
"Hey, if that's the case,
why is it listed as episode 50?"
Shut the [bleep] up.
[ Laughter ]
What are you doing?
Shut the [bleep] up.
[ Scoffs ]
Oh, we asked you guys to help us
pick our Emmys submission for "Corrections,"
and it's been pretty resounding.
There are two.
I would say the front-runner is episode 66.
That's our Christmas episode.
Also, episode 69. We're gonna put those up.
Let's put those up on Sea Captain Polls
as our two options.
I'd like you to watch them both again.
I genuinely mean this,
'cause I think 66 is a lot of fun.
It seems maybe more dependent on previous episodes.
69 might be a better standalone. I don't know.
I'm gonna let you guys decide.
But this is a big deal.
Take it seriously because if everything breaks our way,
the episode you choose
will have the honor of losing to Carpool Karaoke.
[ Laughter ]
I know -- I think I know the difference,
which I think works against us.
Any episode of Carpool Karaoke is good.
Any episode of "Corrections" is good
if you've watched every other episode.
[ Laughter ]
We're asking for a lot of time.
I like when someone writes a comment
that makes it very clear this is their first "Corrections,"
that they've stumbled upon it,
maybe the algorithm pushed it their way,
and they say something that makes it very clear
they haven't watched this before.
Someone wrote,
"This has to be the worst studio audience in TV."
[ Laughter ]
Look, I get it -- if you're watching this cold, you might --
This looks the same way our show looks,
so you might think, "Wow, this is just a --
this is just a dead audience."
I get that.
But you don't think I'd wear it at all?
Like, I'm pretty upbeat during Correc-- I mean,
if this was a full audience
making the sounds they've made, I'd just be like,
"Aw, [bleep]"
[ Laughter ]
[ Sniffles ]
Now, there are other people who think there are too many laughs,
and that maybe we're sweetening it a little,
like the jackal who wrote,
"Does the staff get paid extra for laughing at 'Corrections'?"
[ Laughter ]
They do. Per laugh.
I pay them each per laugh.
[ Laughter ]
So it's like $9 that I split among most everybody.
[ Laughter ]
But Buck just bought his second yacht.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Got a backup yacht.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sighing ] Having --
I've been having a little bit of fun
mispronouncing the name of a famous Greek mathematician.
I've said "Arch-i-meds."
I've said "Archie-meads."
I know, by the way.
I know the correct pronunciation
is Archime--
-Deez nuts!
[ Laughter ]
-Eureka!
[ Laughter ]
Alright, we were talking about Flaco the owl
and how nobody needs to be worried about Flaco the owl
not finding food 'cause he eats rats
and he's in Central Park,
and an owl who eats rats starving in Central Park
would be like a toddler starving in a chicken nugget factory.
A bunch of you said the nuggets would be frozen,
so the kids at the factory would starve.
And then a bunch of you took the other side of the argument,
my initial position,
that kids in a chicken nugget factory would be fine.
Including someone who wrote,
"Nuggets in a chicken nugget factory
would not all be frozen.
Freezing them is one of the last steps before shipping.
First, the chicken is ground up and mixed with chicken skins,
then combined with a beige paste to make a chicken-flavored goo
that is poured into nugget-shaped molds.
They are then fried in batter."
I don't know what that person's job is.
[ Laughter ]
But I'm guessing it's not head of marketing for Tyson Chicken.
[ Laughter ]
"For the next round of commercials,
I think we got to really lean into beige paste."
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of the owl,
I mentioned how one of our crew members, Kenny Coyle,
has been telling everybody he could catch the owl.
[ Laughter ]
I said a few lines as Kenny,
and then some people wrote and said,
"Based on how he's talking,
is Kenny Shoemaker's kid?"
[ Laughter ]
And I want to apologize for not making this clear.
Almost everyone who works here
is one of Shoemaker's kids.
[ Laughter ]
They just keep coming out of the woodwork.
[ Laughing ]
And when they do,
they're what Shoemaker classifies as must-hires.
[ Laughter ]
Don't get me wrong,
he's not happy about it.
The amount...
[ Laughing ]
The amount of times he comes, he comes into my office
and just plops down on the couch and is like,
"There's another one at the page desk."
[ Laughter ]
He's so -- He's so mad he did 23andMe.
[ Laughter ]
He's so mad, and it's such a burn on him,
'cause he did it because none of us believed
he descended from the Medicis.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my God.
He wanted to prove he was Italian royalty.
[ Laughter ]
And instead, once a week, someone from reception calls up
and says, "Mr. Shoemaker, there's another genetic match."
[ Laughter ]
Someone said
I said people are jealous of my Mac Tonight toys.
And someone said they wouldn't be jealous --
they would be envious.
So you're telling me...
someone wouldn't be jealous...
of this?
[ Laughter ]
Every time you think it can't get [bleep] worse...
[ Laughter ]
A lot of -- We talked about people dying of old age,
and then someone said, no, people don't die of old age.
What happens is their body just breaks down as they get older
and they get more susceptible to illness.
And then a lot of you said, "No, no, no,
people can die of old age."
And one person said, to prove this point,
they said the Queen's death certificate
said she had died of old age.
But come on.
They weren't going to put "auto-affix"--
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughter ]
Ah, well.
Eh, I'll do it anyway.
Then we're gonna put "auto-erotic 'affixiation.'"
-♪ God save the Queen ♪
[ Scattered laughter ]
-[Bleep] blew it, dude.
[ Laughter ]
See me next week.