'Whether we like it or not, the most important scientific problem we're going to face is the explanation of UFOs'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Primitive aren’t they?’
Starship Invasions was originally titled War of the Aliens until Star Wars came out,
then Alien Encounters until Close Encounters came out
and these different titles do reflect the wild tonal shifts in the finished film.
Kidnapped by aliens this poor farmer can’t believe his luck.
‘Hello Billy’
and then can’t believe his luck.
The aliens are commanded by Christopher Lee is a silly hat.
‘This planet called earth by its present inhabitants seems well-suited to our purpose’
And are here because their sun is about to explode.
‘This monitors the condition of our planet’s sun’
and it’s water-resistant up to 50 meters,
‘We need a human female’
I’m not 100% clear on the ‘our sun’s about to explode so we must have sex with you’ strategy,
but the kidnap goes ahead.
‘Oh boy a real flying saucer!’
Look out.
‘Oh my God! We’re the only car on this whole road!’
Yeah that’s what weird.
And the result of these abductions?
‘The examination of the man’s sperm proves that our religious doctrines about the origins of our race are false.
'We are nothing but the descendants of transplanted earthlings’
Things I never expected to hear Christopher Lee say – or at least telepathically project –
but if they’re descended from us how come their technology is so superior,
did we majorly drop the ball?
‘Nothing is more damaging to one’s self-esteem than discovering someone is more advanced than we are’
Robert Vaughn plays UFO expert Professor Duncan, who interviews the abducted farmer.
‘We did what you’re supposed to do when you’re alone with a naked lady’
But…
and it’s not just him,
What’s going on?
‘The suicides are probably just a coincidence’
Moron. Meanwhile Lee visits the Intergalactic League of Races base on the ocean floor.
Everyone remember what parking bay we’re in.
‘I am Durbal, a model 12-4-z android at your service.'
It’s always awkward making small talk with new people,
‘I’ve never seen a ship like yours, is it designed for a special purpose’
'It is designed for scientific purpose.'
Lee meets the base commander.
‘All peace to you, galactic brother’
Don’t any aliens talk? It's really hard for actor to emote when they're not saying their lines.
‘Would you like to visit our relaxation room Captain Rameses’
This film walks a weird line of wanting to be serious,
but including enough scantily clad women to keep male audiences awake.
'hello'
'Hi'
But now, Lee’s renegade aliens take over the base.
‘Eliminate the technicians. I will eliminate the others’
and by others you mean?
'Hello'
'Hi'
You get the technicians, I’ll handle the prostitutes.
'You were warned not to interfere.'
She died as she lived…
Sexily.
To take over earth, Lee unleashes his ultimate weapon,
a spaceship that makes people commit suicide, but don’t worry.
'The suicides are probably just coincidence.'
Only one League spaceship remains.
‘Then we must make contact with the earth people’
To warn them?
‘We need a computer expert’
Our mastery of interstellar travel is nothing compared to your commodore datasette.
So they pick up Duncan and his friend, on the same day that a newspaper editor is fired for getting his priorities seriously screwed up.
This movie feels like an early example of weightless destruction.
As people kill themselves in the streets.
Duncan goes for an unhurried stroll with his new alien friend,
‘What’s your culture like?’
Obviously no singing but we have a fantastic symphony.
‘But I can tell you we built the great pyramid at Giza in Egypt, 10,000 years ago’
That actually makes me angrier than everything else in the film put together.
But they have been building to it,
their base is pyramid-shaped,
their logo is pyramid-shaped,
their alarms are pyramid shaped,
'That means there is nothing between us and that rocket!'
their headphones and medical equipment are pyramid shaped,
you had one good idea 10,00 years ago and you’ve coasted on it ever since.
‘Well that’s simply not true’
The League ship now leaves earth to seek help, but
‘Then we must make a direct match into your mind for navigation and into your friend’s mind for computation’
Did the surviving ship just have all bottom of the class aliens on board?
How are humans better at this than you?
He’s using a calculator!
To sum up, despite being descended from us, the aliens’ technology is superior to ours,
and despite their technology being superior to ours, we can use it better than they can.
‘I sure did’
The space battle is spectacular as space invaders.
But hard to enjoy because these exciting gung ho, heroics,
are set against the trauma of escalating suicide.
‘They’re just digging big holes and dropping people into it like dead dogs’
And then the heroes achieve nothing, the day is saved by a robot back at the base fixing itself.
‘I think I can replace my power pack’
Destroying the suicide ship,
and making the bad guy’s crash into each other.
While Lee crashes into the moon having learnt his planet is destroyed.
So, a happy ending.
Except for all the suicide victims and their families.
'I've seen enough. I thank you for everything.'
Thanks for watching. For more alien movie reviews, click her.
The pyramid thing instantly pisses me off, what are your hot button movie issues, the things you can’t let go? Let us know in the comments below.
'Enemy eliminated.'