- Your family is your world.
When you're diagnosed with cancer, everyone is affected.
And although tough times can pull us apart
it's often said struggles can bring us closer together.
I'm Diana Sundberg, manager of the child life
and creative arts therapy department
at UC Davis children's hospital.
I'm also a certified child life specialist.
Now you may be wondering how do I even talk
to my kids about cancer?
You don't want to have this talk.
You're nervous.
And you know they will be too.
For starters, we need to be real.
This will most likely be the toughest conversation
you'll ever have.
Even specialists trained to talk to kids
will tell you it's never easy.
There is no script.
There's no list of magic words.
Secondly, it's better if the information comes from you.
Don't avoid it.
Putting it off will probably make things harder.
The topic will come up.
If it's not with you,
then they will probably talk with a friend
or even worse, a stranger.
Look at this as a chance to come together, to grow closer.
Talking about it early helps your child feel included
in the family loop.
Delaying the conversation breaks trust.
Your child may feel left out.
Like they're a less important member in the family.
Remember, kids need time and space to process feelings
just like anyone else.
The best place to process is with you.
Ask a question, then listen.
The conversation will unfold more naturally this way.
Questions should be open-ended.
If you can, avoid yes/no questions.
Begin with what the child already knows or observes.
Maybe they've noticed mom crying
or how often dad goes to the doctor.
Perhaps someone else is taking them to school.
You might ask,
tell me what you think is happening with mom or dad?
Tell me, what do you know about cancer?
Share with me what you are angry, frustrated, sad,
worried about right now.
Insert any emotion you detect.
What questions do you have?
Repeat these questions.
Circle back to them throughout the conversation
and throughout treatment.
Listen for self-blame.
Children often think it's their fault.
They may think they've caused this to happen.
If so, clear up this misconception.
Let the child lead, listen to their responses.
Observe, love them through these moments.
Let them feel scared, angry or upset,
acknowledge their feelings.
Their emotions are okay.
Be sure to share your feelings too.
Don't mislead them or make false promises.
During your conversation watch for fidgeting
or signs of fear, anger, or other cues
that signal the information might be too much at that time.
Relax, take the pressure off this talk and keep it short.
It doesn't have to happen all in one sitting.
It's a process and it can be overwhelming.
Continue to have these conversations over time.
Let them be themselves.
Kids are kids.
Protecting their sense of normalcy is important.
Make sure they have fun, go to school,
hang out with their friends,
and stay involved in their normal activities.
If they want to help suggest simple ways to include them.
They could draw you a picture,
do simple house chores, or even play with a sibling.
Also check out our website if you need it.
So will this conversation be tough?
Yes, but it can help bring you and your child closer.
It can decrease the stress and worry for you and your child.
It can help you be more attentive
to their cues and emotions.
It can be a true bonding time.