-President Biden laid out his agenda
in the State of the Union address tonight.
By contrast, polls show
that somehow most voters don't actually know
or remember what Trump has said he would do as president.
So what exactly is Trump's agenda for a second time,
and just how extreme is it?
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
We taped this in the afternoon,
so I don't know how Biden's speech went,
but I'm reasonably certain that it did happen,
which is already more than some Republicans
were willing to stomach.
-We want to stop him
from actually delivering the State of the Union.
-Now some Republican lawmakers are considering a bill
that will prohibit the House or Senate leadership
from inviting Biden to address Congress.
-He comes at the invitation of Congress.
The Republicans are in charge of the House.
There's no reason that we need to invite him.
-I love how Biden's always trying
to make bipartisanship happen,
and Republicans respond by going,
"I think we should be allowed to brick up all his doors
so he can't leave the house!"
The State of the Union is a sacred constitutional duty,
and you're talking about it the way Susie on "Curb" talks
about hosting a dinner party. "You know what, Lar?"
If you don't like the food, then get the [bleep] out of here.
There's no reason to invite you, you four-eyed [bleep]."
Now, maybe I'm being hard on Republicans.
Sure, maybe they're just petulant children
who can't stand the idea of President Biden
at the State of the Union, or maybe they miss
Vice President Biden at the State of the Union.
I mean, look at this! I don't remember --
I don't remember a single thing Barack Obama
said at the State of the Union.
But I remember the finger guns,
and I remember thinking, "If he's doing that,
the State of the Union must be pretty [bleep] rad!"
You know what we need? We need Obama to come back
and do the State of the Union just so Biden
can sit behind him and mug for the camera.
In 2014, it was finger guns.
This time it'll be aviators and ice cream.
Or, hear me out,
we use a combination of artificial intelligence,
nanotechnology and nuclear fission
to create an unstoppable chain reaction
that rips a hole in the space time continuum,
allowing 2014 Joe Biden to sit behind 2024 Joe Biden.
Oh. Oh, what's that, Christopher Nolan?
That was going to be your next movie?
Well, too late. I called it. "Oppen-Biden."
No, wait. "Biden-Heimer." There you go.
[ Laughter ]
2014 Biden could shoot finger guns
and flash that toothy grin whenever
2024 Joe Biden needs to spice things up.
[ As Biden ] "The state of the Union is strong, folks.
I'm not kidding around. I'm not joking around.
Just ask this guy --
Hey! Who wants a pina colada?
Chad? Becky? Dave? Dave, you want a twisty straw, Dave?
Hey, Brad, go long!"
Instead, we'll get the much more boring spectacle
of House Speaker Mike Johnson sitting behind Biden tonight.
He's already endorsed Trump
and said this week that Trump would help
Republicans win Congress in November.
-How big are Trump's coattails this year?
-Well, his coattails are humongous.
-Well, if he's wearing this coat, then sure.
I mean, when Trump says he's got Republicans in his pocket,
he means it literally.
Any day now, we're going to see
Ted Cruz's little head pop out of that thing.
[ As Cruz ] "We'd love a few more crumbs, sir,
whenever you get a chance."
Also, there's something so lame about a guy like Mike Johnson
using the word "humongous."
It's like when your dad tries to use the word "slay."
"Hey, kids, now, let me ask you a question.
I stan this new lawn mower, but your mom says it's sus.
What do you guys think? Is it...
Is it cringe or does it slay?
Is it given suburbia? Let's show hands.
Any cringes? I'm not seeing any --
Any slays? No slays.
Starting to think we're not doing this.
No cap?"
Now, in advance of today's speech,
Biden posted a video online with a group of actors
who played presidents on TV and in movies
including Bill Pullman, Morgan Freeman and Geena Davis.
I'm sorry, but this should be a huge scandal,
Where the [bleep] are Harrison Ford and Martin Sheen?
Gathering a group of fictional presidents
without President Bartlet is like putting together
a supergroup of New Jersey musicians
without Bruce Springsteen.
Nobody's spending 600 bucks on Ticketmaster
to watch Jon Bon Jovi harmonize with hologram Frank Sinatra.
When Biden invited Harrison Ford,
did Harrison turn around and say, "Get off my plane"?
And did Biden respond by saying, "Joke's on you!
I couldn't get on the plane."
[ Laughter ]
Now, if you're looking for some analysis of Biden's speech,
after it's over, there are plenty of reputable places to go
and trustworthy journalists to follow for serious,
sober discussion or good faith criticism.
Or if you want to feel like you just inhaled a cocktail
of ketamine, asbestos and venison,
you could crawl into the dark corners of the weird wide web
and watch this dweeb.
-We will be live this Thursday night
after the State of the Union address.
As if you need his guidance on the state of the Union.
You already know.
We will be up on TuckerCarlson.com,
here on X, across the Internet, live Thursday night.
-Ooh, I can't wait to find out if Biden covered
any of Tucker's favorite topics,
like tanning your testicles, eating insects,
the awesomeness of Putin, or the [bleep] of the green M&M.
"Joe Biden didn't say one word in his speech tonight
about whether the green M&M gets him rock hard.
Why is that?
Could it be that he's secretly pansexual
and is attracted to all the M&M characters,
even... even the homely ones?
Is he planning a secret orgy at the White House
with various food mascots
of all genders and sexualities like Mr. Jelly Belly,
Tony the Tiger, the Kool-Aid Man,
the Jolly Green Giant, Toucan Sam, and the Peeps?
And if so...
why hasn't he invited me?"
As you may know, Tucker recently got some blowback
after walking around a Russian grocery store
with his mind blown like he's never been to a [bleep] Aldi
and conducting a softball interview with Vladimir Putin
while making a series of faces
that looked like he got kicked in the balls,
then walked in on his parents having sex,
then kind of -- kind of liked it,
then accidentally [bleep] his pants.
But don't worry, everybody.
Tucker had a rock solid defense against all that criticism.
-The idea that I'd be flacking for Putin when,
you know, my relatives fought in the Revolutionary War,
like I'm as American as you could be.
-Some rich kids pull a "Do you know who my father is?"
Tucker pulled a "Do you know who my
great-great-great-great grandfather is?
He was the one with the bow tie who got bayoneted in the back."
You can't use ancestors who were long dead before you were born
as a defense for your current behavior.
Although, maybe that's how far Tucker has to go back
to find a relative who wasn't a white-hot prick.
His great-great-great-great grandfather
fought in the Revolutionary War.
But then that guy's son probably wrote a pamphlet called
"Where the Redcoats Actually That Bad?"
With that said, I'm sure Tucker's reaction
to Biden's speech tonight will be full of insights.
I wonder how he'll feel about it.
Will Tucker be confused,
baffled, bewildered, befuddled,
perplexed, perturbed, puzzled,
amazed, aghast, agog,
flustered, flummoxed,
dazed, distracted,
startled, astonished, stunned,
surprised, or aroused?
[ Laughter ]
Now, one thing we know about Biden's speech
without seeing it is that, per tradition,
he probably pointed out some honored guests in the room.
Usually when you do that, you name them
so you can have a moment of recognition and applause.
By contrast to Trump's victory speech on Super Tuesday,
he implied that there were a bunch of super famous people
in the room, but suspiciously left them unnamed.
-This is an incredible group of people,
so many celebrities that I'm not going to introduce any
because I'm just going to get myself in trouble if I do that,
'cause I'll leave out most of you.
But we have -- This is a room chock full of
incredible, talented people,
like some of the guys standing right in front of me.
Right? Big, big futures. Big fat, beautiful futures.
Oh, I'd love to be your age.
I'd pay you a lot of money to be your age.
-Are you -- Are you okay, man?
[ Laughter ]
I never thought -- Is Donald Trump depressed?
[ As Trump ] "I'd love to be your age.
I would make some very different choices.
But sadly, here I am in the winter of my years --
a soulless husk of a man facing years of imprisonment,
years I don't have, and a half $1 billion in fines --
dollars I also don't have.
A big -- A big fat future.
Sadly, not for me.
I can only reflect on my big fat past.
So fat.
So fat, my past." [ Laughs ]
Also, I love Trump's gambit of pretending
there are celebrities in the audience
and thinking he'll get away with it
because we can't see who's in the crowd.
[ As Trump ] "So many A-listers here.
You can't see them and I won't name them,
but let's just say it's an honor to have them here.
Tom Hanks, Oprah, Beyoncé,
Kate Middleton -- don't look around for them.
They're in disguise. Just keep looking at me.
They don't want anyone to know they're here,
so I smuggled them into the room tonight in my giant coat."
[ Laughter ]
So, Trump's now the presumptive GOP nominee.
And, I know, sometimes it feels like
everything that can possibly be said about Donald Trump
has already been said, but shockingly,
polls show that most voters are actually somehow
unaware of Trump's most extreme statements and promises.
A new survey found that only 31% of respondents
said they previously had heard a lot
about these statements by Trump.
It's hard to focus on, say, his very specific,
detailed plans to weaponize the Justice Department,
jail his opponents, use the military to stamp out protests
and conduct mass immigration raids
when he can't even complete a [bleep] sentence
without his brain bursting into flames like a recalled Tesla.
-We are a nation that just recently heard
that Saudi Arabia and Russia will...
[ Stammering ] Ohh.
[ Laughter ]
-What just happened?
Oh, I bet the sexy green M&M popped into his head.
[ Laughter ]
Trump has either hinted or explicitly promised
that it will use his second term to arrest opponents,
conduct sweeping raids and deportations,
cut taxes again for the wealthiest Americans,
try again to repeal Obamacare,
and take health insurance away from millions of people
and pass a national abortion ban.
He's just hoping you don't notice,
because when he talks about passing a national abortion ban,
he's so incoherent about it.
-A lot of Democrats said that, uh, that no government officials
should ever get between a doctor and her patient.
Dobbs said 15 weeks. -Right.
-That's just about a little over first trimester.
-So more and more, I'm hearing about 15 weeks.
And I haven't decided yet,
but largely they're coming in with a certain number of weeks
and the number 15 is mentioned.
I haven't agreed to any number. I'm going to see.
-What the [bleep] do you mean you haven't decided yet?
You're running for president.
You're talking about one of the most urgent
political questions of our time
like you can't decide between chicken or fish at a restaurant.
[ As Trump ] "I like the fish. I like the chicken.
More and more I'm hearing about the pasta.
I'm hearing about..."
Trump has bragged about overturning Roe v. Wade
and stripping life-saving medical care
away from millions of Americans,
and his allies have a detailed plan
to ban abortion care nationwide.
Trump is just hoping voters will forget about all that,
because when you ask him a basic question
about his agenda for a second time,
he sounds like one of Tucker's relatives
getting bayoneted in the Revolutionary War.
-[ Stammering ] Ohh.
-This has been "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Or don't.