>>> it's weekend update with colin jost and michael che ♪
>> hey, everyone welcome to "weekend update home edition.
I'm colin jost >> I'm michael che and this is obviously a strange
way to do the show so, we got some people listening in on zoom
say hi, everybody. [ multiple people say hello >> now it's like a party, right,
colin? >> yeah, it's a great distant -- just audio party, it's great
[ laughter ] >> well, I meaning, it's better. It's like telling jokes with
nobody just looks like hostage footage. [ laughter ]
but, you know, doing comedy with no audience, it kind of feels like when you're in a long
distance relationship and your girl's like, "we can't have sex, but you can face time.
And you're like, "ugh! [ laughter ] I'd rather just cheat on you."
so, we got some joke and we're just tell some, see what you guys think
>> I've been watching all the president's daily improv shows that he does every night
[ laughter ] and I actually really love dr. Anthony fauci.
I love when he speaks. Dr. Fauci's the last person I've seen that has a really thick
accent, but is smart [ laughter ] I've never -- you're not used to
that it's, like, if someone said, like, "all right, guys, here's
how we're going to fix this disease. You would expect him to be like,
we're going to break it's [ bleep ] kneecaps but --
[ laughter ] he just has actual, like, facts and information.
>> whoa! [ laughter ] >> bernie sanders has dropped
out of the race, which means that joe biden is now the presumptive nominee for 2020
and I just want to say on behalf of all comedians, thank you. I'm so excited because it's
either trump or biden, which means that we have comedy gold for the next four years.
[ laughter ] potentially with biden, the next eight years.
And I just want to say, can you imagine the things biden's going to be saying eight years from
now? [ laughter ] >> this is bittersweet, 'cause I
actually liked bernie sanders, but him losing and making all those liberal white kids on
twitter sad is the only thing getting me through this really rough week
[ laughter ] boy, whenever I feel down, I go online and listen to bernie
supporters try really, really hard to not blame this loss on black people
[ laughter ] I liked him, but I knew he wasn't getting the black vote,
because he kept big up health care we don't go to the doctor, man
[ laughter ] >> president trump has been reportedly promoting unproven
cures for covid-19 based on advice from rudy giuliani. [ laughter ]
because when you need medical advice, you turn to the guy who looks like he's experiencing
every symptom at once. [ laughter ] >> reports suggest that in large
cities like new york, coronavirus is disproportionately impacting
african-american communities and I really wish there was a way to warn black people about
this, without also telling white people about this. [ laughter ]
because once trump starts calling this the harlem flu, we ain't never going to get a cure.
[ laughter ] >> it was announced that kylie jenner for the second year
in a row, was the world's youngest self-made billionaire the announcement was made in
this month's issue of now's not the time [ laughter ]
>> harvey weinstein has reportedly beaten the coronavirus, but there's still a
chance he could be contagious, at least that's what he's yelling to anyone who gets near
him in the showers [ laughter ] >> Tuesday was national beer
day, which was the first time alcohol has ever helped me remember what day it is.