i'm running and i look out of the corner of my eye and i just see this big
black figure chasing me at breaking next speed
my heart is racing i have 3 a.m for most normal human beings this
is the time when you're fast asleep getting the quality rest that you need
in order to be healthy and productive the next day
but for us elite superior sleep deprived people this
is our peak woke hour you mere mortals couldn't even come
close to the sheer level of enlightenment that us night owls
are you eating a bowl of shredded cheese it's also the time that this story took
place for most of my high school life i lived
in an apartment building nothing crazy we had a main building here
mailboxes here the trash bin thing here a man-made pond
in the middle for visual appeal typical suburb-ish
i remember my mom getting home late one night and i still hadn't taken up the
trash i'm saying that way too casually because
anyone who grew up in an um seasoned household will know exactly
how this ordeal went hey mom's home
hey who didn't take out this trash hey huh huh why did i come home to this
mess oh so you're just not gonna say anything
but there's only one thing on the ground don't you back talk me
whose turn was it to take out the trash uh i don't know i did it yesterday
whose turn was it to take out the trash i i don't i don't know you
have 10 seconds to answer does that not hurt your throat three
two one it was johannes's turn
um i have a very logical expert yo exaggerated bit aside my mom came
home the trash was still in the kitchen and she
wasn't too pleased so i was then asked to dump the trash
now traditionally this wouldn't be that big of a deal the only problem was the
fact that it was 3 a.m pitch black outside and the trash can
was like a two-minute walk away and over-imaginative johannes was
definitely not trying to partake in that walk and
my mom very obviously did not seem to care but
but you know what us kids need to show some backbone okay
if you have a problem with your parents don't just
internalize it create dialogue and discussion have some
logic and reason talk to them like you would any other human being
so i attempt to apply that to my current situation johannes take the trash out
hey mom i apologize for my negligence it won't happen again i
understand coming home from your tiring job to an unclean house
does not make you feel good at all and it was very selfish of me
to forget i truly apologize but it's 3 am i i just feel a lot more calm
i'll be heading out right now yes sir yes yes ma'am
yes ma'am yep no problem let me just uh let me just uh ah
there it is there it is i'll be right back i'mma roll out no stephen hawking
so after trying to apply logic and reasoning
like an idiot i go out into the dark abyss
but no matter how scared i am i am way way too lazy to walk around where the
street lights are so i decide to go through the small pond okay
i am adventurous i take risks okay you don't need a parachute
to skydive you just need a parachute to skydive
twice and when i say i walk through the pond i mean like this
this hole that the neighborhood dug in the ground and like put rocks in it
just to not put water in it so yeah i i walk through that
i don't know but what i do know is this hole is filled with slippery rocks
murky water definitely a rat or two or three
and i couldn't even see my hand in front of my face it was so
dark all i could see was the lone street light that was next to the trash can
this was definitely not going to be an easy walk
but i already knew if i turned back
so after walking through the pond i reached the track wait why did you make
such a big deal out of the pond just to go right over in the story that
that's not good creative writing well i guess you can call it a plot hole
and i'll be putting you six feet into one if you interrupt me again
so i reached the trash can but as i'm walking i see this figure and i
instantly regret my decision because this figure i see is unlike any human
i've ever seen my eyes are looking at nothing
but pure muscle and intimidation approaching me
slowly and the closer it gets the more i notice i see a rope
it was dragging something and as it approached
i feel stupid because i realized that what i'm seeing is
an old guy walking his behemoth of a dog but
the problem was the rope slash collar is on the ground this freaking grizzly
bear isn't on a leash like if this dog does
something what does this senior citizen gonna do
but i i ignore it and i go to the trash unit thing
but i'm still looking over my shoulder and right here right here
is where i made probably the biggest mistake
i've ever made in my entire life i spent so much time looking over my shoulder at
this dog that i failed to notice the gargantuan
five foot snake right by my feet i take the trash i throw it back i turn
around i speed walk by the old guy and the dog
because i didn't want them to think that i'm a
fish and i booked it once i passed him i'm just
running i could have stopped to tell the old guy
about the snake but i know for a fact that once this woolly mammoth of a dog
sees the snake it's gonna trip out and go absolutely ballistic
i just didn't want to be in the blast radius okay like the old guy is
literally going to be able to do nothing there's no point in
both of us dying so i i just dipped like i'm
booking it at this point but of all the bad things that could have happened
none of them would have compared to what happened next i'm running
and i look out of the corner of my eye and i just see this big
black figure chasing me at breakneck speed
my heart is racing i haven't moved this fast since i was a sperm cell
i am moving but the bad luck just keeps coming
because i'm running in my mom's heels i couldn't find my shoes when i
was taking out the trash earlier and i had just walked through a wet
slippery on slope thing so it was only a matter of time before i
i'm face first on the ground but i don't have time to be
dazed or in pain because the black figure that was chasing me
gets closer and closer and closer until finally
it passes me i i open my eyes and i see this old senior citizen from earlier
holding his huge dog running way faster than i was in my stilettos
like he was gone man he dipped like he so i get up look over at the trash can
and uh the snake that i thought was chasing me was just
chilling by the by the trash i have never in my life felt more disrespected
by an animal like i got so close to the snake
and it just straight up ignored me like it wasn't worth
pursuing but i leave in this time i definitely take
the long way back to the apartment