But let's get straight into it.
The presidential election, with just two weeks left--
it looks like the gloves are finally coming off.
Vice President Joe Biden campaigning for Hillary Clinton
in Wilkes-Barre, and here's what he said about Donald Trump.
The press always asks me, don't I wish I were debating him.
No. I wish we were in high school.
I could take him behind the gym.
-(cheering) -That's what I wish.
Oh... (bleep)!
(laughter)
Joe Biden wants to take Donald Trump behind the gym.
You know what that means, right?
No, really. Do you know what that means?
-'Cause I don't know... -(laughter)
I don't know what happened in your high school, but in mine,
the only thing happening behind the gym was people hooking up.
-That's... -(laughter)
No, everyone knows this. There are rules.
The parking lot is for fights.
The bathrooms are where you get high.
The cafeteria is for ostracizing people.
The library is for using computers to look at porn.
And then, behind the gym is for finger banging.
That's what school knows.
-(laughter) -Everybody knows that.
But you do realize, folks,
this is the level of discourse the election has sunk to.
The press asks Biden,
"Don't you wish you could debate Donald Trump?
Expose his extremist agenda using facts and reason?"
And the sitting vice president replies,
"No, I just want to punch him in the face."
(laughter)
Luckily, when responding to Biden,
Donald Trump decided to take the high road.
Did you see where Biden wants to take me to the back of the barn?
Me. He wants it.
I'd love that.
-I'd love that! -(cheering)
Mr. Tough Guy.
You know when he's Mr. Tough Guy?
When he's standing behind a microphone by himself.
That's when he's Mr...
He wants to bring me to the back of the barn.
Oh!
-Wait. What? -(laughter)
The back... the back of the barn?
-Biden said the back of the gym! -(laughter)
This is why you don't let old guys into fight club!
(laughter)
The first rule of fight club is remember where fight club is!
(laughter, applause)
-This doesn't make sense! -(cheers and applause)
Doesn't make sense.
Now you realize what's gonna happen.
Now, Biden's at the gym, Trump is at the barn.
Just gonna be punching some random person who comes there.
"You?" "Me?"
"Aah!" Goes like, "Aah!
I just came here for the sex!"
"Oh, that's coming! That's coming."
(laughter)
And, look, that I know everyone, including myself
is really excited about the prospect
of Joe Biden and Donald Trump having a physical fight
because that would be the perfect climax to this election.
But don't forget-- these guys are both in their seventies.
So it'll be entertaining, but it'll probably look like this.
(indistinct yelling)
(laughter)
(applause)
"Hold my teeth! Hold my teeth!
Bah! Bah! Bah, bah, bah!"
Now, beyond Trump and Biden
setting up their whole wrinkle in the jumble,
what I found particularly fascinating about this story was
how differently it was presented,
depending on who was consuming it.
For instance, if you're a liberal,
you probably heard it as a story
about how Trump wants to beat up Joe Biden.
But if you're a Trump supporter,
you saw it as Donald Trump standing up to Joe Biden.
And that's really become the story of this election.
Everyone picks sides and blindly defends them.
Here's another example.
Last night on Fox News, Megyn Kelly talked to Newt Gingrich.
Now you guys probably remember Newt Gingrich.
He's the Trump adviser who stole all of America's jowls. Yeah?
-(laughter) -Now, Megyn Kelly wanted to talk to him
about Trump's pussy-grabbing, and Newt went nuts.
-Rough time, at least... -If Trump is a sexual predator,
-that is... -He's not a sexual predator.
-You can't say that. -Okay, that's your opinion.
I'm not taking a position on it.
You could not defend that statement.
I am not taking a position on it.
I'm sick and tired of people like you
using language that's inflammatory.
When you used the words, you took a position.
-So what I said is... -And I think it's very unfair
of you to do that, Megyn.
I think your defensiveness
on this may speak volumes, sir.
-...and we did. -And you want to go back
through the tapes of your show recently?
You are fascinated with sex,
and you don't care about public policy.
-(laughter and groaning) -Wow. Newt. Newt!
That's really not fair.
Just because Megyn Kelly invites people
who look like swollen testicles on her show
does not mean she's obsessed with sex.
(laughter)
That does not mean that.
Oh, and by the way, by the way,
Newt Gingrich should not be complaining
that anyone is fascinated with sex.
This is the same dude who cheated on two different wives,
and when he was asked about his cheating,
honest to God, he gave the best answer
I have ever heard in my life.
There's no question that at times in my life,
partially driven by-by
how passionately I felt about this country,
uh, that I worked far too hard,
and the things happened in my life that were not appropriate.
(laughter)
-I'm sorry. Get the (bleep) out of here, man! -(laughter)
This guy just, "Why did you cheat on your wife?"
"For America. That's why I did it." -(laughter)
"I did it for America. My passion and my... my vigor.
"In fact, I only do it to the National Anthem.
"Which is tough, 'cause we have to do it standing,
"and it upsets everyone else in the stadium.
But I do it for my country."
So once again, so once again,
here was a fight, and depending on which side you're on,
you were told the fight went a very different way.
So, a liberal Web site like Jezebel,
says that Gingrich made a total fool of himself.
And a right wing Web site, like Breitbart,
says that Gingrich exposed Megyn Kelly,
and then bench-pressed her.
Which isn't really a good headline
if you're a Trump supporter.
I mean, it-it sounds creepy.
It sounds like Newt was like,
"Donald Trump is not a sexual predator.
"Now, put your butt in my hands so I can lift you over my head.
"Come on, come on, come..." (groans)
That's one of the downsides
of everyone consuming news in their bubble.
You don't get
There are distorted fake news stories everywhere online.
Obama shows his erection to a reporter.
Tim Kaine yells at his daughter.
Uh, in fact, did you hear the story about Bill Clinton?
Where he called Trump supporters rednecks?
Yeah. There's a headline, so it must be true,
unless you hear what he actually said.
You know, look, man...
the other guy's base is what I grew up in.
You know, I'm basically your standard redneck.
Oh, no, he didn't...
just identify with people he disagrees with
to point out what they have in common.
(laughter)
There's nothing there.
He called himself a redneck.
The only part of that I object to
is Bill Clinton claiming that he's a standard redneck.
You can't say that when you're riding around
in a private jet, my friend, yes.
Unless, unless you ride that jet while riding your tractor.
That's the only time you can do that.
But at least in that story Bill Clinton said the word "redneck".
Uh, sometimes, the story that riles you up
can be something that never even happened.
Like, say you go on your Facebook, just for fun
to check out who had a sandwich that made them feel blessed.
But then, but then, because of things you've liked over time,
up pops an article in your feed
about Bill Clinton's illegitimate black son.
This is a real article, a real article
that's circling on Facebook right now.
Banished Bill Clinton's son
needs your help to reunite with father.
And here's how I know this story isn't true.
If the Clintons had a black son,
-they would not be hiding him. -(laughter)
Best believe they'd be parading that (bleep)
around North Carolina getting out the vote.
-They'd be like, this is our dude! -(cheering, applause)
Tell them, Darnell, tell them to vote.
(applause)
That story is BS, people, I'm sorry.
You can't-- you can take any biracial person,
throw their black and white photo next to Clinton,
and it'll look like his son.
I mean, by-by that standard, I look like his son.
-Ah, look, look. -(laughter)
I look, I look like...
-Oh, (bleep). -(laughter)
I look like his son.
Wow, I...
What if Bill Clinton's my dad?
And I had him on the show and I never even asked him.
I mean, I... I hinted at it with the mug I gave him,
-but, but still... -(laughter)
Now, uh, although this is a phenomenon
that seems to happen more on the right,
uh, it still happens on the left.
You find the occasional fake story about Republicans,
which is weird to me.
I honestly don't know why you need
to make up anything fake with Donald Trump.
There's no fake story you need.
Is someone sitting there, like,
"Ha, ha. And then he looked at her pussy.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha...
"I'm sorry, what? In real life?
Oh. Delete."
For instance, if you're a liberal,
you might have seen a headline that says,
"Linguists have decided
"Donald Trump has a learning disability,
because he possesses a vocabulary of 200 words."
And come on, people, 200 words? That's not realistic.
That barely covers the names of his ex-wives.
That's not a realistic thing.
And if there's one thing you can't insult The Donald on,
it's his language skills.
You just have to watch any of his speeches
to see he effortlessly jumps from one idea to another.
Words have never impeded his mind, because his mouth
is always trying to keep up with his brain.
We're about to go-- we lose it.
We are in the wrong direction and maybe it's gone.
Supreme Court justices, always remember that.
But so many different levels,
and when you see what happened with crooked Hillary today,
it was a disaster.
Wh-wh-what, what?
Who? Wh... ? Amazing.
It's like he's doing language parkour.
He's just bouncing from one word to... oh!
-That-- oh, that's... -(laughter)
That's pretty much what happens.
It's so impressive.
Wherever Trump's brain goes,
his mouth goes along for the ride.
In fact, I've studied Trump for over a year,
and what he does is truly amazing.
And I'm not a master at this,
but I'll try to do a demonstration myself.
I'll try and do this, I'll try and do this.
All right.
A series of words will come up on a screen behind me.
And I don't know what these words are gonna be.
But I will use them to give you a Trump address.
Hold on, hold on. Let me just...
Let me just get myself ready.
(laughter)
Get comfortable and in the zone.
(cheering, applause)
All right, let's go.
Folks, I'm gonna make America so great, folks.
You don't understand. This nation, folks,
this nation, folks, is bad, it's bad, folks.
The nation is bad.
There is bias in the media, folks.
The media is biased against us.
And-and ISIS-- oh, my God, ISIS, folks--
I'm gonna beat them so... Folks, I'm not gonna tell them
what I'm gonna do, folks. ISIS...
It's gonna be a surprise, folks. I'm gonna be...
They're gonna die bigly, folks.
They're gonna die bigly.
Bigly, folks. They're gonna die.
And then the dragons...
Folks, the ISIS...
They have dragons. I've heard that ISIS has dragons
that use moisturizer, folks.
The moisturizer that the dragons use and phot...
I'm not good enough for this, man.
I'm not... I'm not good enough to do this.
-(cheering, applause) -But you get the point.
You get the point. You get the point.
The point is this: there are fake stories
everywhere online, and the effect can be dangerous.
Especially considering that millions of Americans
believe that the upcoming election will be rigged.
Because that's what they're seeing on social media.