(00:00): Hey there it's clay with modern love.life.
And in this video, we're going to be answering the question. Why does my ex want to hurt me?
This can be a confusing situation for a lot of people, especially after a breakup. Um, you know,
you're going through the pain of a breakup already, and sure, maybe the relationship didn't
work out for one reason or other, but why does your ex want to, you know, rub salt in the wound
and make you hurt even more? There's a couple reasons to understand this and we're going to be
covering those in this video, obviously. And, and, and really the first reason that they might want
to hurt you is because they themselves feel hurt. You know, there's this old saying that
(00:41): Hurt people, hurt people. I
(00:44): Mean, like if you just read it, it sounds,
it looks a little bit weird, but if you understand that people who are hurt have the tendency to want
to hurt people because they are hurt themselves. Again, your ex may feel hurt because of something
that happened before, during or after the breakup, some comment that was said, something that was
done, something that wasn't done, whatever. And so they might still be harboring this pain and
they want to lash out at you believing that you are somehow responsible for hurting them. And
maybe you are, I don't know. Um, maybe they're just inventing it in their own mind,
but, um, this definitely could be happening. Another reason why your ex might want to hurt you
is because many times after a breakup, there's this level of competition that happens between
two, two partners. Um, you know, after a breakup, for whatever reason, we just
somehow have decided that we have to instantly get into this sort of competitive position with
our Xs, with our partners to see who can seem like they've moved on first, who can seem like
they got into a relationship first who can seem like they're better off first, who can seem like
they're happier, all of these other sorts of things, and this causes, uh, people to, to, to
post things maybe online or to make comments or to do things that make it seem like, you know, yeah.
(02:00): I, I never cared about you in the first
place. Look at how fast I've moved on and look at how fast I've gotten into this, you know, rebound
relationship or whatever the case might be. And this whole competitive streak, it's not healthy.
Sure. Um, but it is something that a lot of people do. Okay. And one of the main reasons is because,
um, we don't really have clear ways that we're supposed to fit into each other's lives with
our exes after a breakup. Sure. We have movies and TV shows and all that. And,
but, you know, usually breakups in those sorts of situations are really dramatic and it's like,
yeah, I hate your guts. Cause you cheated on me or something like that. We, we might have this
inclination that we're supposed to hate our ex, but what if, what if the breakup wasn't that bad?
(02:42): What if your ex
uh, didn't do something that warrants them hating you or, or vice versa?
Sometimes that causes people to to think like, oh, well, I'm supposed to hate you. Therefore,
I'm going to do these sorts of things. Therefore I'm gonna, you know, somehow twist or delete or,
or warp the truth so that I feel comfortable hating you. You know, we've talked about this
before, and this leads us into the third reason why your ex might want to hurt you. Well, we'll
go ahead and get into that in a moment. But first of all, if you do like these videos,
please make sure that you are hitting that thumbs up button for the YouTube algorithm. If you also
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(03:23): And if we do some research and it seems like,
you know, this is something that might be relevant to lots of people [inaudible], we might just put
it in the queue and we'll just make a video on that topic. So go ahead and, and suggest something
you never know. Um, but the third reason that, uh, your ex might try hurt you is because of this,
this sort of split in their mind about who you are now. Again, we've talked about this before, that
that for the most part, people don't want to think of themselves as the kind of person that goes out
of the way to hurt other people that causes them to cry that causes them to, um, you know, lose
their dream of being in a relationship. I mean, like, I don't know, maybe when the two of you had
the breakup talk, there were tears, there were, uh, lots of pain, um, all that sort of stuff.
(04:04): And so your ex may feel guilt.
We've talked about this before, too. Your ex may feel guilty about hurting you. Um, and so they
don't want to think of themselves as a bad person that hurts you, that causes you to cry. That
causes you to feel like your dream of being in a relationship is taken away from you or whatever.
What they may do is they might start to twist, delete, distort. What happened in your room in
order to create this version of you, this image of you as a bad guy, they may not have had to
twist and delete and distort too much to get this version of you in their mind, or maybe they did,
but either way they have this negative version of you in their mind, they tell themselves that like,
yeah, you're this liar. Yeah. You're this person that couldn't be trusted.
(04:43): Yeah. You're this person
that is like a total dirt bag or something. And that they can tell themselves that
in order to justify why they had to do what they had to do in order to break up with you,
because obviously they're going to sleep better at night. They're going to feel better about their
choices moving forward. If they can believe that you're someone worth breaking up with,
if they really start to buy into this view of you, of this bad person, you know? Yeah. It might make
sense that they might try to hurt you and they might try to make sure that you feel bad and all
of that stuff, if they really start to believe that now, of course, this is where you get to
step in and show up, not as this person that's worth breaking up with. Um, but as actually,
you know, someone that, that is worth being in a great relationship with now, when you do this,
you're going to cause them to pull back and question, which one is the true version of you?
(05:32): Which one is
just maybe a misunderstanding or are you on your best behavior? So there could be a lot of trust
and a lot of confusion that comes up. We've talked about this before in our video series
on, um, you know, the five stages of getting back together. Uh, this is where the hot and
cold behavior comes from. This is where all that sort of stuff comes from. Once again,
you can find a video playlist for that up there in the corner. Um, that is a whole topic for
another video in terms of what to do. If your ex does you in this negative light, this video here
is primarily just to answer the question of like, why they might actually want to hurt you. If you
do still love your ex. And if you do still want to make things work with them, of course you can find
ways to patch things up to clarify this, but it is going to cause you to, or it is going to require
that you shift the focus from this negative version of yourself to the positive version
of yourself and in that journey of making that transition in their perception, um, that's where
you're going to get a lot of this mixed message, hot, cold behavior, uh, positive pullbacks,
active discouragement, despite the fact that you're connecting better and all of that stuff.
(06:35): Um, and if that
is something that you want to learn more about, we do talk about this extensively in our course
called the X solution program. Once again, you can check that out over@modernlove.life/ESP,
or you can just go ahead and visit the link down in the description box. But once again,
this is clay. Thank you so much for watching this video. If you did like this video,
please make sure that you did hit the thumbs up button for the YouTube algorithm,
subscribe to the channel and leave a comment down below letting me know what
sort of videos you'd like to see me make in the future. Anyway, take care and I'll talk.