-All right, here we go. "I got busted" -- here we go.
[ Laughs ]
This is from @AJDORRIS.
He says, "I once wrote the answers to a final on my hand.
On the way out the door, I made the mistake
of waving 'goodbye' to my teacher."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
This one's from @missmomogirl.
She says, "One time, I thew a party
when my parents were out of town.
I thought I was in the clear
until my dad found beer-can pyramids
in every single kitchen cabinet."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's what people do, man.
-Yeah. -Why?
Why would you do that? 'Cause they wanted them to get busted?
-Yeah. -[ Laughs ]
What brats. Come on, man.
That's pretty funny.
This one's from @KelHanna1.
She says, "I once asked my mom
to take a picture on my phone for Instagram.
After I'd been posing for a while, she yelled,
'Wow, honey. 51 people are watching!'
She'd accidentally started a livestream."
[ Laughter ]
How embarrassing.
This one's from @vinekimber.
She says, "I once forgot to do an AP English assignment,
so I hastily wrote down lyrics to TV theme songs
and made them look like poetry.
Too bad my teacher also watched 'Family Ties.'"
[ Laughter ]
What would we do baby... without us?
-Sha la la la. -Sha la la la.
This one's from @irishrose8.
She says, "My friend and I snuck into a bar when we were 17.
The bartender brought over drinks from someone at the bar.
We turned to thank them, and it was my dad."
[ Laughter ]
Drink up, 'cause you're grounded.
-You're grounded for life!
-[ Laughs ] -The last thing you'll drink.
-[ Laughs ]
That's a cool dad, though. -What's he doing there?
-Yeah. What's he doing, man? -Doesn't he have work to go to?
[ Laughter ]
-He has a night job, do you think?
-Yeah. I don't know, man.
-Well, what do you think he does for a living?
-I don't know. He might, like...
make plastic spoons.
[ Laughter ]
You know what I mean? Or, like, stuff...
Like, work at Build-A-Bear, stuff bears for a living.
-You assume that person's father would either
make plastic spoons -- manufacturing --
or work at Build-A-Bear.
-Yeah.
Or make, like, comical mugs. you know what I mean?
-Yeah. With funny sayings on it and stuff like that,
handle on the wrong side. -Yeah, exactly.
Ones with little things on it, like,
"Don't Start Without my Coffee." -Yeah.
-You know, stuff like that.
Maybe. I don't know. -Maybe.
Either way, but Build-A-Bear, you think that
more people would go in the daytime...
-Yeah. -...to get bears made.
-You'd think. But maybe night is a great business.
-There's a big night business. -Yeah. Huge night business.
-Huge night business... -Yeah.
-...for making teddy bears. -Yep.
This one's from @devyy-d. -Devyy-d.
She says, "My friend got tickets to 'Ellen,'
but my parents strictly told me I wasn't allowed to go.
I thought they've never find out.
They texted me this." Look. There she is.
[ Laughter ]
"I see you, honey." Wave to your parents.
[ Laughs ]
This one's from @ItsMeAshleyWee.
[ Laughter ]
-Who is it?
-It's me, Ashley Wee. -Oh.
She's a wee little girl.
She says, "Driving home after a job interview,
the car behind me started honking the horn,
then cut me off. I gave them the finger,
then realized it was the person I had just interviewed with."
[ Audience oohs ]
-[ Laughs ]
"You're hired. No, you're not."
-This one is -- oh, this is funny --
from -- it's from @zombiederek.
He says, "I accidentally pocket-dialed a friend
while I was singing along to songs on the radio
in Ray Romano's voice."
[ Laughter ]
[ as Ray Romano ] Debra!
Debra.
♪ Find me in the club, bottle full of bub ♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] This one's from @TheCookenMaster.
She says, "My parents got new iPhones,
and I got my mom's old one.
I didn't realize everything I did on my phone
got sent to her new phone.
Every text. Every picture."
[ Audience oohs ]
-Ugh, yoinks.
-This last is form @SarahSpain from ESPN.
Hi, Sarah. Thanks for playing the game.
I love Sarah Spain.
She says, "I went on my first date with my now-husband
to a Cubs/Cardinals day at Wrigley Field.
Boss saw us in the bleachers on TV and texted me,
'How's the game, Ferris?'"
There you go.
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go to tonightshow.com/hashtags.