WE ARE GOING TO NEED THAT POSITIVE ENERGY GOING FORWARD
BECAUSE THE ELECTION IS GETTING NASTIER DAY BY DAY.
DONALD TRUMP IS ACCUSING HILLARY CLINTON OF ENABLING BILL
CLINTON'S AFFAIRS.
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID THIS WEEKEND, WHICH TRUMP FROWNS ON
BECAUSE HE WAS ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH ALL OF HIS AFFAIRS ON
HIS OWN, DID IT HIMSELF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BY HIS OWN BY HIS OWN
BOOTSTRAPS.
I BELIEVE ALL HE WAS WEARING AT THE TIME WAS HIS BOOTS.
TRUMP EVEN SAID THAT HILLARY WAS NASTY AND MEAN TO THE WOMEN WHO
SLEPT WITH HER HUSBAND.
TRUMP'S WIVES DID NOT TREAT HIS MISTRESSES LIKE THAT AT ALL.
THEY HAD THE COURTESY TO LET HIM MARRY THEM.
TAG, YOU'RE IT!
HE'S ALL YOURS!
I THINK PERSONALLY THAT IT IS RIDICULOUS TO BLAME A WIFE FOR
HER HUSBAND'S AFFAIRS.
YOU AGREE?
DO YOU AGREE?
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S RIDICULOUS.
WE ALL KNOW WHEN THERE'S THIS KIND OF TROUBLE IN A MARRIAGE,
IT'S THE KIDS' FAULT.
IF YOU WERE BETTER, IF YOU WERE BETTER, MOMMY AND DADDY WOULD
LOVE EACH OTHER.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
DIDN'T CLEAN YOUR ROOM OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
FIX IT.
HERE'S THE THING, DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN MARRIED THREE TIMES.
ATTACKING HILLARY CLINTON FOR HAVING MARITAL PROBLEMS IS LIKE
THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK, OR IN TRUMP'S CASE,
CALLING THE KETTLES "THE BLACKS."
BY THE WAY, THE KETTLES LOVE HIM.
>> FOR ANYBODY CONCERN ABOUTED ELECTION, THERE'S A NEW DATING
WEB SITE OUT THERE PROMISING TO MATCH CANADIANS WITH AMERICANS
WHO WANT TO ESCAPE THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU CAN ESCAPE TO THE GREAT WHITE NORTH IF YOU'RE AFRAID OF
THE GREAT ORANGE HERE.
THE SITE IS CALLED "MAPLE MATCH," THE THIRD MOST CANADIAN
SOUNDING DATING SITE BEHIND "MOOSE MATES" AND "BEAVER
BUDDIES."
DON'T LOOK THAT UP, BY THE WAY.
NOW, THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE HAVE SIGNED UP TO MAPLE MATCH,
BUT ABOUT 70% OF THE THEM ARE CANADIAN, WHICH MEANS THEY'VE
GOT PLENTY OF MOUNTIES.
THEY'RE JUST LOOKING FOR A FEW MORE MOUNT-ERS.
IT'S NOT AS DIRTY AS IT SOUNDS.
THERE'S ALSO BIG NEWS ABOUT FACEBOOK BOOK OUT IN THE LAST 24
HOURS, A.K.A., THE FRIENDSTER THAT LIVED.
IT CAME OUT YESTERDAY THAT FACEBOOK'S "TRENDING NEWS"
SECTION ISN'T ACTUALLY DETERMINED BY AN ALGORITHM BUT
BY "FACEBOOK WORKERS WHO ROUTINELY SUPPRESSED
CONSERVATIVE NEWS."
YEAH, YEAH, IT'S SHOCKING.
BEFORE THIS, THE MOST POPULAR WAY TO SUPPRESS CONSERVATIVE
NEWS WAS TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL IN THE HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM.
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY--
( LAUGHTER ) LET IT SINK IN.
LET IT SINK IN.
APPARENTLY, FACEBOOK CENSORED POPULAR STORIES ABOUT
CONSERVATIVE TOPICS FROM APPEARING ON THE TRENDING NEWS
SECTION.
FOLKS, I THINK THIS IS WRONG.
IF FACEBOOK IS GOING TO CENSOR THINGS, WHY NOT GET RID OF THE
STUFF PEOPLE REALLY DON'T WANT TO SEE, LIKE YOUR EX'S TROPICAL
HONEYMOON?
OR INVITATIONS TO COWORKERS' IMPROV SHOWS?
"MIKE, I'M GLAD YOU'RE GETTING OUT AFTER THE DIVORCE, BUT I'M
NOT GOING OUT AT MIDNIGHT ON A TUESDAY TO SEE YOUR IMPROVISED
EPISODE OF 'DAWSON'S CREEK.'" ( APPLAUSE ).
( CHEERS ) I'LL BE THERE.
SAVE ME ONE TICKET.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY THING I WANT TO SEE ON
FACEBOOK IS PEOPLE WHO WERE MEAN TO ME IN HIGH SCHOOL WHO ARE NOW
FAT AND BALD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY?
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
( LAUGHTER ) I'M DEPRESSED.
I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
AND, JOB, YOU AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS EARLIER TODAY.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WE JUST RECENTLY LEARNED THAT LOVE IS DEAD.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: LOVE IS DEAD, IT'S SAD.
BECAUSE THIS WEEKEND, OZZY AND SHARON OSBOURNE SAID THAT
THEY'RE GETTING A DIVORCE.
OZZY ANNOUNCED THE SEPARATION BY BITING THE HEAD OFF THEIR
LAWYER.
IT'S SAD NEWS.
THEY WERE MARRIED FOR 33 YEARS, SIX OF WHICH OZZY REMEMBERS.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, SHARON OSBOURNE IS NOT
TALKING ABOUT IT, BUT OZZY RELEASED THE FOLLOWING
STATEMENT, "ABBIT FERNUM VISKIE.
BLEE GERD MUH MUH FILT.
INNIT?
ALL ABOARD!" ♪ ♪ ♪
A-YE-AYE-A.
SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Jon: EVERYBODY!