- University, yeah I love Uni,
how good's Centrelink?
Freshman year is all about focus,
and cute boys.
(chime)
(air whooshing) (upbeat rock music)
My ATEL was so low, so I took a gap year
or was that the year in Contiki,
barista, well, I took like six gap years.
And now I'm like a mature age student.
Got a great SAT score, got a great GPA,
captain of my swim team, I volunteered
at my local animal shelter baking tiny, little cookies
for freakin' squirrels; do you think
that got me an Ivy league offer?
No. (somber music)
What do I have to do, have my name
on a freakin' building or something?
(air whooshing) (fast tempo drum music)
Centrelink payday; breakfast, $25 smashed avocado on toast.
Lunch, sushi train; dinner UberEats.
Every other day is just mid-grade can tuna
and 7-Eleven coffee. (somber trumpet beat)
Breakfast, granola bar; lunch, easy mac.
Dinner, whatever's in my fridge,
which is usually like, my roommate's leftover Chipotle,
or whatever I can steal from the dinning hall.
(air whooshing)
I mean I love my housemates, I just wish we had
more than one toilet for five people.
And I swear, if I find another family
of cockroaches living under my desk, I'm gonna lose it.
I love my roommate but his style is like '90s,
Avril Lavigne grunge, aka he never cleans up.
(perplexed music)
And I'm more like Marie Kondo, minimalism, not cute
when your dorm room is the size of a New York closet.
(air whooshing) (rhythmic beat)
Does anyone actually ever pay their HECS off?
I'm just chillin' on (mumbles)
till I go to Spain for a little bit.
You know, apparently, if you live
in Australia for 10 years your HECS,
just like disappears. (crowd cheering)
To be honest, I just hope someone pays for business school
because student loans will literally be the death of me.
(air whooshing) (bouncy music)
My neighbors always make noise complaints,
so we usually just hang at a Macca's carpark.
(sexual music) But my perfect date
would be sharing a slab of VB
while feeding chicken nuggs
to a wild pack of bin chickens and watching the sunset,
and I'll bail on my lecture the next morning.
Chicken nuggs and a wristy would actually be fine, too.
My dream date would be an empty dorm room,
takeout,
Netflix.
We're in bed by eight, I fall asleep in his arms,
get at least eight hours of sleep
and wake up after midterms (scoffs).
But also, takeout and some good dick would be so fine too.
(air whooshing) (upbeat rock music)
Best way to celebrate final exams,
a doozy game of goon of fortune.
(bag crinkles)
Best way to celebrate finals, two words, beer pong.
(air whooshing) (upbeat rock music)
I grew up in Newtown, live in Newtown
and Uber port to (murmurs) everyday.
I moved 2,000 miles from LA
for a schilarship at CWRU,
Case Western Reserve University,
(dejected music) it's in Ohio.
(air whooshing) (upbeat rock music)
Uni life is basically just living
for the beef on the UC grants Facebook group,
trying to lure that one dickhead in your group assignment.
And try not to do, like, too many nangs.
College life is basically, just tweeting
about how much you miss Obama,
trying to get free wifi at Starbucks,
and following the spiritual guidance of Lizzo.
If Lizzo tells me to love myself,
that's exactly what the frick I'm gonna do.
(air whooshing) (techno music)
O-Week is literally a week of going to toga parties
in Kmart bedsheets, waking up with your house mate's
boyfriend with a kebab stuck to your face.
Trust me, it's like the best.
I, like, literally just got the cutest outfit
from Urban Outfitters for spring break.
It's like a chance to spend a bunch of nights
you'll never remember, with the people you'll never forget.
(air whooshing)
Uni sports, nah sibs.
Sometimes I watch my friend play oztag,
they do shoeys at the end. ♪ Here's to Tony ♪
♪ He's true blue ♪ ♪ He's a piss pot ♪
Okay, I know I'm in Ohio, but Bruins is, like,
my team for life. ♪ He's a bastard so they say ♪
♪ He tried to go to heaven but he went the other way ♪
♪ He went down, down ♪
U-C-L-A, UCLA fight, fight, fight.
(air whooshing)
I live in a share house in Fifth Row
with five other stinky gronks
who always use my five-in-one face wash,
body wash, shampoo, conditioner, shaver.
And they never replace the toilet paper,
but our kick-ons go all right.
(collegiate music) I live for my frat,
I breathe for my frat, I'd die for my frat.
(upbeat horn music)