♪♪
-Hey, everybody. Welcome to "Corrections,"
week of July 12th.
I double-checked that to make sure it was right,
because last time we did this, I opened by saying,
"Welcome to 'Corrections,' week of Monday, June 24th."
It was Thursday, June 24th.
And that is the fastest mistake I've ever made
in a "Corrections."
I mean, that's embarrassing.
That's like if the minute the Kentucky Derby started,
one of the horses exploded.
[ Light laughter ]
But we got it right.
Also, you might have noticed from the title card,
this is now an Emmy-nominated piece of television content.
That is not a joke.
It sounds like a joke. It is not a joke.
And this is also not a joke, and I mean it sincerely --
I could not have done this without you.
We share this honor because I think you know
that without you, there's no "Corrections."
This was a team effort. And I also want you to know
that if we should win, all the rhetoric
about it being a team effort -- right out the window.
[ Laughter ]
It is mine, and mine alone,
and, oh, I'm gonna lord it over you.
Oh, you'll be giving me your corrections,
and I'll be like, "What?
Finland doesn't have mountains? I can't hear you...
over my Emmy."
[ Light laughter ]
And if I lose, I will say it was stolen.
I'm getting the whole --
I'm getting Sidney Powell, Giuliani.
We will rain hell down upon the Academy.
It is, uh -- It's Outstanding Short Form
Drama, Comedy, or Variety...
which I feel like we tick all those boxes.
I feel like there's a little of each in here.
As with a lot of "Corrections," we have to clean up stuff
from previous "Corrections."
We've talked a lot about
how -- or whether or not roosters can blink or wink.
I'm just realizing that maybe people who
had never watched "Corrections" and are now tuning in
because it's Emmy nominated are like, "Duh fuh?!"
But, yeah, no, roosters blinking
has been, like, a multi-episode arc.
They have a membrane that wipes the dust, like a clear membrane.
I called it a "nictating" membrane.
It's
And I cannot tell you --
You know, sometimes there's one thing
that maybe one of you catches.
100 people pointed out that I got it wrong.
And obviously -- I don't need to tell you --
I'd never heard of it,
and yet so many of you know about chicken's eyes,
and this is a real shame-on-me.
But, like, I think I've always kind of, like,
thought of our audience
as metropolitan and urban, and you're farm people.
You know? You're watching this.
You got, like, an iPhone in one hand,
and you're just, like, throwing -- The other hand's,
like, throwing seed to your livestock.
And I worry about your livestock...
because they live with (bleep) jackals.
[ Light laughter ]
Bjork. This is -- Again, Bjork has been famous for so long,
and I was told by a lot of people I said it wrong.
And sometimes when people tell me
how to say it, it's not helpful
because I have to read their pronunciation.
And so I found a video of an Icelandic --
Icelandic, an Icelander --
I don't -- There's probably a word, and...
I only wish we had an infrastructure
where you could tell me what that word was.
He said -- I watched the video where he said --
I think it's close to this. Byerk.
So I'm sure that's not quite right,
but it's definitely not "B-york."
And then we also said when we mentioned it, that jork
was an Icelandic word for joke about Bjork.
And then someone said, "Well,
if the "J" in "Bjork" is silence -- silent,
it wouldn't be jork. It would be "york."
Sure.
But you're being a "yerk."
[ Man laughs ]
The hardest part about this is that, you know,
you got to read all the comments. You got to mine
the comments to find the corrections.
And sometimes you're gonna find some people
who maybe just don't like the show.
But there was an exchange that I really greatly enjoyed,
which is someone -- And by the way,
I celebrate that this show is not for everybody.
Someone wrote, "This guy is so bad,
the audience doesn't want to laugh at his jokes."
And then very kindly, someone responded to that and said,
"He doesn't have an audience at the moment."
And then the first person wrote back,
"That's a sad excuse."
[ Laughter ]
Like, it might be -- It might be sad
that we don't have an audience, but it's an airtight excuse
for why people aren't laughing.
"Why didn't Kevin come to my birthday party?"
"He's dead." "Okay."
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughing ] Can you imagine?
Can you imagine? Look, I get that
maybe you think, like, these jokes aren't funny.
Do you really think I'm doing it
for 180 people right now
and they're all just like, "Oh"?
[ Laughter ]
What? This -- This would be the funniest show
in the world to be watching right now
if there were 180 people.
I admit it's Monday.
We don't have audiences back until the f--
On Monday, I'm gonna be like, "We're so happy.
Our audience is back," and then I'm just gonna do the show.
[ Laughs ]
What would the warm-up comedian have to say?
Is it like the bus from "Speed" rules?
Like, if we go under 50 or one of you makes a sound...
We've definitely learned if we're gonna make a mistake,
don't make it in writing.
Like, I can sometimes make a flub and get it through,
but if we make a mistake in a graphic,
you guys go over it like it's the Zapruder film.
Don't take the bait.
So we had a driver's license of a cockroach.
And the birthday was August 18, 2019,
and someone said, "Cockroaches can't live longer than a year.
That cockroach would be dead."
And I'm not gonna argue with the science of that.
Anybody who is bold enough to write that in "Corrections"
obviously knows what they're talking about
when it comes to the life-span of cockroaches.
I do think they live longer in New York.
You know? I had a...
This year in my kitchen, I saw a cockroach
that was wearing a hat that said, "Vote Dinkins."
[ Light laughter ]
We also -- Then we had another driver's license of a cicada,
and someone pointed out that the cicada's --
The height of the cicada was 1'11",
and it weighed 2 ounces.
And they said, "Why was the height in imperial
and the weight was in metric?"
And all I know is, we're gonna find out,
and heads are gonna roll,
because that's one of the hard, fast rules here --
not to mix those up.
We had a...
a key photo of me getting an appendectomy.
Can we look at that real quick?
[ Laughter ]
Again, so many people said
that's definitely not where that incision would be.
I'd say we got, like, 100 of those.
And then one guy said,
"CDC rules. You'd be wearing a mask."
All right, we talked about -- We said Alice Cooper...
...bit the head off a chicken.
And someone came at us pretty hard
and said we had conflated two things.
Ozzy Osbourne bit the head off a bat.
Alice Cooper threw a chicken into the crowd,
and the crowd tore the chicken apart.
And once again, I'm fairly confident
that was written by a stepdad.
[ Light laughter ]
"Alice Cooper bit the head off a chicken."
"Uh, guys,
that is absolutely not the case.
Dave, get out of here!
Just don't want you to embarrass yourself.
You're embarrassing me in front of my friends right now!
Ozzy bit the head off a bat.
Ozzy's got to live that down.
Cooper didn't, man.
Cooper threw a chicken into the crowd,
they tore it apart.
That's all that happened."
Why do I care?
"'Cause you're gonna get sued for libel if Alice Cooper
hears you saying that.
It's slander if you say it.
"You seen the new 'Modern Drummer'?
[ Laughter ]
Leiderman's on the cover. Pretty cool."
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
"It was a big deal, dude."
[ Laughter ]
We said that the C.E.O. of Subway stands behind his tuna,
and then we said he stays downwind.
We should have said upwind. We heard that a lot.
You know, the premise being you wouldn't --
you wouldn't want to smell it.
Ooh, we said that --
I guess fish now can get addicted to stuff
in the water like crystal meth,
and then we showed a picture of a shark with no teeth.
And then I said -- It wasn't written,
but I said, "Oh, I know. A shark's not a fish,"
worried that I would be corrected
because that's how in my head you have me.
And then a lot of you said, "No, a shark is a fish."
But you -- Yeah, but you could hear yourselves
saying that, though, right?
But then this.
I wanted to print this out and get this exactly right,
because this is something somebody wrote
about this question about, is a shark a fish?
It said, "Not a correction per se,
but a fun fact about fish.
Fish are not a taxonomic group the way vertebrates or mammals
are because the group does not include
all the descendants of a common ancestor.
If it did, all reptiles, amphibians, birds, and mammals
would also be considered fish because all are descended
from an ancient lobe-finned fish called Sarcopterygii.
Fish is just a term of convenience
to refer to a diverse group of swimming aquatic organisms."
And not to correct a corrector, but I...
don't think that's a fun fact.
[ Laughter ]
We talked this week about how...
Monday was the 20th anniversary of when myself and Amy Poehler
auditioned to be on "SNL," and so it is now --
I'm coming up on 20 years in the building,
which is -- which is surreal.
I have the same I.D. It is...
I am a baby.
When you look at my first I.D., just, I'm a kid.
[ Laughter ]
First -- The first thing Loren said
is, "We're gonna get your teeth fixed."
This is -- This is really exciting.
We have a prop budget now.
We got Emmy nominated, and they said,
"You can do props in 'Corrections.'"
I said, "We have a props budget?"
They said, "Prop."
[ Laughter ]
And I said, "Can I keep this?" And they're like, "No."
I've got to give it back. And I'm like, "What?"
They said, "We're gonna melt it down."
Last night -- So 20 years ago, I met Mike Shoemaker,
and obviously we've talked a lot about our friendship.
And last night he and I went out to dinner
and had a very nice night
talking about how lucky we've been, and...
...I make fun of Mike.
I'm not gonna do the voice today because,
you know, the category we're nominated for is also drama.
And we -- Mike Shoemaker is the gateway
to everything good I have known in show business.
And we rewarded ourselves last night.
We don't usually go out to fancy dinners,
but we went to Eleven Madison Park.
It was a very fancy, incredible meal.
And when it was over, he said, "Why do you think I --"
because he had suggested it. "Why do you think I wanted
to go to Eleven Madison Park?" And I said, "I don't know."
He goes, "The eleven's the important thing."
And I said, "Is it because...
...our friendship is an 11 out of 10?"
And he said no, and then he just slowly did this.
[ Laughter ]
And just, like, held it there a really long time.
Drama, comedy, variety.
All right, you guys.
Well, I think we've done it again,
and we will be back next week.
This was "Corrections."