>> FEEL CONFIDENT IN WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS FINE, IT'S A COMPOST
HEAP OF ELECTRICITY DOWN THERE SOMEPLACE.
YOU'RE BEING PAID TO DO THIS?
>> YES!
>> Stephen: OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
HEY!
MY SON AND I TRYING TO MAKE SURE THE SHOW WILL HAPPEN TONIGHT.
WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THIS PANDEMIC IS CHANGING EVERYTHING-- EVEN THE SUPREME
COURT.
THEY'RE WORKING FROM HOME, TOO.
AND I'M GUESSING THEY'RE USED TO THE NEW NORMAL.
THEY SHOW UP TO WORK IN A BATHROBE, ANYWAY.
AND THIS WEEK, FOR THE FIRST TIME, "THE SUPREME COURT IS
HEARING ARGUMENTS BY PHONE," AND EVEN MORE UNUSUAL, "THE PUBLIC
CAN LISTEN IN."
AND IF YOU LISTENED IN TODAY, YOU GOT A LITTLE TREAT.
THE COURT WAS HEARING ARGUMENTS OVER BANNING CAMPAIGNS FROM
MAKING ROBO-CALLS TO CELLPHONES.
THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS LISTEN CAREFULLY TO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
ONE OF THE ATTORNEYS IS TALK.
>> WHAT THE F.C.C. HAS SAID IS THAT WHEN THE SUBJECT MATTER OF
THE CALL RANGES, SWITCHES TOPICS--
( TOILET FLUSH )
>> Stephen: THAT WAS A TOILET FLUSH.
COME ON, JUSTICES!
YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT TO REMEMBER TO MUTE BEFORE YOU RETIRE TO YU
CHAMBERS TO CITE "BROWN V.
BOARD," IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
SPEAKING OF THINGS GOING IN THE TOILET, OUR ECONOMY.
TENS OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEIR JOBS IN THE LAST TWO
MONTHS DUE TO THE CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN.
AND RIGHT NOW, THERE IS AN UNDERSTANDABLE AND URGENT DEBATE
ABOUT WHAT TO DO ABOUT THAT.
SOME PEOPLE WANT TO REOPEN THE ECONOMY SLOWLY AND FOLLOW THE
ADVICE OF SCIENTISTS AND HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONALS TO SAVE
AS MANY LIVES AS POSSIBLE.
OTHER PEOPLE ARE DONALD TRUMP.
AS PART OF HIS CAMPAIGN TO REOPEN AT ALL COSTS, YESTERDAY,
TRUMP VISITED A MASK FACTORY IN ARIZONA WHILE NOT WEARING A
MASK.
OOH!
SO CLOSE!
WEARING GOGGLES IN A MASK FACTORY IS LIKE WALKING INTO THE
BEDROOM WITH A CONDOM ON YOUR NOSE.
YEAH, YOU GOT IT ON, BUT IT DOESN'T INSPIRE CONFIDENCE THAT
YOU KNOW HOW THIS WHOLE THING WORKS.
TRUMP HELD AN EVENT IN THE OVAL OFFICE TODAY TO HONOR NATIONAL
NURSES DAY, AND HE ADDRESSED YESTERDAY'S LACK OF MASK.
>> YOU HAD SAID BEFORE THE TRIP THAT YOU WOULD LIKELY WEAR A
MASK AT THE MASK FACTORY.
YOU ENDED UP NOT WEARING ONE.
>> WELL, I ACTUALLY DID HAVE ONE, NO.
I PUT A MASK ON, YEAH.
I HAD A MASK ON FOR A PERIOD OF TIME.
>> WE DIDN'T SEE YOU IN THE MASK.
>> WELL, I CAN'T HELP IT IF YOU DIDN'T SEE ME.
I HAD A MASK ON, BUT I DIDN'T NEED IT.
AND I ASKED SPECIFICALLY THE HEAD OF HONEYWELL, "SHOULD I
WEAR A MASK?" AND HE SAID "WELL, YOU DON'T
NEED ONE IN THIS TERRITORY."
>> Stephen: DID THE PRESIDENT OF HONEYWELL REALLY SAY "IN THIS
TERRITORY?" WAS HE GIVING YOU A TOUR OF THE
YUKON?
AND COME ON, YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT.
WHY ARE YOU BLAMING THE FACTORY OWNER WHEN THERE ARE SIGNS
EVERYWHERE IN THE FACTORY SAYING, "PLEASE WEAR YOUR MASK
AT ALL TIMES."
AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SETTING AN EXAMPLE!
DO THE RIGHT THING!
YOU DON'T SEE SMOKEY THE BEAR SAYING THIS:
>> ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES.
BUT THE FIRE DOESN'T WANT ME TO PROTECT THE TREES.
THE FLAMES, THEY TALK TO ME!
THEY TELL ME TO DO THINGS!
( LAUGHS MANIACALLY )
LEARNED THAT THE WHITE HOUSE IS GOING TO PHASE OUT THE
CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE.
BUT TODAY, TRUMP SAID HE'S REVERSED THAT DECISION.
>> THE TASK FORCE HAS DONE A GREAT JOB.
THE TASK FORCE INDEFINITELY.
YOU KNOW, AT A CERTAIN POINT THAT'LL END, LIKE THINGS END.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, THIS IS DONALD TRUMP, WHICH MEANS IT'LL
END WHEN HE FINDS A YOUNGER, HOTTER TASK FORCE.
NOW, TRUMP IS DOING THE RIGHT THING BY KEEPING THE TASK FORCE,
BUT DON'T YOU WORRY.
HE IS DOING IT FOR THE WRONG REASON.
>> I THOUGHT WE COULD WIND IT DOWN SOONER, BUT I HAD NO IDEA
HOW POPULAR THE TASK FORCE IS UNTIL ACTUALLY YESTERDAY, WHEN
I STARTED TALKING ABOUT WINDING IT DOWN.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "TURNS OUT PEOPLE LIKE PEOPLE
WHO WANT THEM TO BE ALIVE.
THAT ONE REALLY CAUGHT ME BY SURPRISE, BECAUSE I'M DEAD
INSIDE."
AND TRUMP CLAIMS HE ACTUALLY LIKES HIS CURRENT TASK FORCE.
>> NOBODY HAS EVER TURNED ME DOWN TO BE ON THAT TASK FORCE.
IT'S A VERY-- NOBODY'S TURNED ME DOWN FOR ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "COME ON, FAUCI.
DON'T TURN ME DOWN.
SHOW ME HOW TO PROPERLY WASH MY HANDS AGAIN.
BUT SLOWER THIS TIME.
YEAH, GET THEM ALL SUDSY FOR DADDY.
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME ♪ KEEP WASHING."
SORRY FOR THAT IMAGE.
THEN, TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT HOW FAST HE'S REOPENING THE COUNTRY.
>> WILL THE NATION JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THE IDEA THAT BY
REOPENING, THERE WILL BE MORE CASES, THERE WILL BE MORE
DEATHS?
>> SO, I CALL THESE PEOPLE WARRIORS.
AND I'M ACTUALLY CALLING NOW-- AS YOU KNOW, JOHN-- THE NATION,
WARRIORS.
>> Stephen: YES, HE CALLS THEM WARRIORS.
IT'S AN ECONOMIC RALLYING CRY THAT TRUMP STOLE FROM THE MOVIE
( BOTTLES CLINKING )
COME OUT AND-- SHOP.
>> Stephen: THE PROBLEM IS THAT HEALTH EXPERTS SAY THAT
REOPENING THE COUNTRY TOO SOON COULD HAVE CATASTROPHIC RESULTS,
BUT THAT'S JUST A RISK TRUMP IS WILLING FOR YOU TO TAKE, AS HE
TOLD ABC'S DAVID MUIR.
>> DO YOU BELIEVE THAT'S THE REALITY WE'RE FACING THAT-- THAT
LIVES WILL BE LOST TO REOPEN THE COUNTRY?
>> IT'S POSSIBLE THERE WILL BE SOME, BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE
LOCKED INTO AN APARTMENT OR A HOUSE, OR WHATEVER IT IS.
BUT AT THE SAME TIME, WE'RE GOING TO PRACTICE SOCIAL
DISTANCING.
WE'RE GOING TO BE WASHING HANDS.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS YEAH,
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DIE, AND I AM WASHING MY HANDS
OF IT.
♪ HAPPY BIRTH ♪ OKAY, DIFFERENT WASHING."
I'M STRUCK BY HOW CALM AND CASUALLY HE TALKS ABOUT THE LOSS
OF LIFE.
IT'S LIKE HE'S CHANGED HIS REELECTION CAMPAIGN FROM "KEEP
AMERICA GREAT" TO "KILL AMERICANS?
GROOVY!" THIS NEW "YEAH, PEOPLE ARE GONNA
DIE BUT WHATCHA GONNA DO" ATTITUDE ALSO EXPLAINS WHY,
WHILE HE WAS TOURING THE MASK FACTORY, HIS ACTUAL BACKGROUND
MUSIC-- AND I PROMISE YOU WE DID NOT MAKE THIS UP--
WAS "LIVE AND LET DIE."
♪ LIVE AND LET DIE LIVE AND LET DIE ♪
>> Stephen: OH, COME ON!
ARE THEY PUNKING US NOW?
IT'S ALMOST LIKE THEY PUT THAT IN THERE TO GET US TO ACCEPT
SUBCONSCIOUSLY, THAT THE ONLY WAY TO LIVE IS FOR THE REST OF
US TO DIE.
IT EXPLAINS THE REST OF THEIR SOUNDTRACK:
♪ YOU GIVE ME FEVER WHEN YOU KISS ME
♪ FEVER, WHEN YOU HOLD ME TIGH ♪ I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS
TONIGHT.
TONIGHT ♪
>> Stephen: WHEN MUIR ASKED HIM ABOUT THE VIRUS' DEADLINESS,
TRUMP HAD A CHILLING METAPHOR.
>> WELL, THE UPPER NUMBER WAS, AS YOU KNOW, 2.2 MILLION PEOPLE.
AND THEN THERE ARE SOME-- SOME MODELS OR CHARTS THAT SHOWED
HIGHER THAN THAT.
BUT 2.2 MILLION PEOPLE.
I ALWAYS FELT 60, 65, 70-- AS, AS HORRIBLE AS THAT IS--
I MEAN, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT FILLING UP YANKEE STADIUM WITH
DEATH.
>> Stephen: WOW!
LOOK, I'M HESITANT TO CALL HIM A DICTATOR, BUT IT SURE DIDN'T
TAKE HIM LONG TO GET TO "DEATH STADIUMS."
THIS WHOLE DEATH-POSITIVE ATTITUDE SEEMS DISTURBINGLY
FAMILIAR, BECAUSE MIGHT REME REMEMBER,
TRUMP NEVER WANTED TO SHUT DOWN THE COUNTRY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
AS RECENTLY AS MID-MARCH, WITNESSES SAY HE REPEATEDLY
ASKED, "WHY DON'T WE LET THIS WASH OVER THE COUNTRY?"
AND, YESTERDAY, TRUMP SEEMED TO BE LAUNCHING OPERATION "LET IT
WASH," WHEN HE SAID THIS: >> THERE WILL BE MORE DEATH, BUT
THE VIRUS WILL PASS, WITH OR WITHOUT A VACCINE, AND I THINK
WE'RE DOING WELL ON VACCINES.
BUT WITH OR WITHOUT A VACCINE, IT'S GOING TO PASS.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S NOT REASSURING.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "LOOK, WITH OR WITHOUT A LIFE PRESERVER,
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE FLOATING IN THE OCEAN FOREVER.
YOU'RE GOING TO PASS.
THROUGH THE COLON OF A SHARK."
NOW, TRUMP HAS CLAIMED THIS IS ALL OBAMA'S FAULT, BECAUSE WHEN
TRUMP CAME INTO OFFICE, THERE THERE WERE NO TESTS FOR THIS
DISEASE THAT DIDN'T EXIST YET.
MUIR ASKED HIM ABOUT THAT.
>> YOU'RE THREE YEARS INTO YOUR FIRST TERM.
YOU'RE NOW APPLYING FOR THE JOB AGAIN.
WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN YOU BECAME PRESIDENT TO RESTOCK THOSE
CUPBOARDS THAT YOU SAY WERE BARE?
>> WELL, I'LL BE HONEST.
I HAVE A LOT OF THINGS GOING ON.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I GOT A LOT OF THINGS GOING ON.
I MEAN, BETWEEN THE GOLF AND THE TWEETING AND THE PARDONING THE
TURKEYS, I GOT A LOT ON MY PLATE, DAVE.
BY THE WAY, KEEP YOUR GRUBBY FINGERS AWAY FROM MY PLATE.
YOU REACH FOR MY NACHOS, YOU'RE DRAWING BACK A BLOODY STUMP."
THEN TRUMP EXPLAINED THAT WHILE OPENING UP THE COUNTRY WAS GOING
TO KILL A LOT OF PEOPLE, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, SO WAS NOT OPENING
UP THE COUNTRY.
>> YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ARE DYING THE OTHER WAY, TOO,
WHEN YOU LOOK AT WHAT'S HAPPENED WITH DRUGS.
IT GOES UP, WHEN YOU LOOK AT SUICIDES-- I MEAN TAKE A LOOK AT
WHAT'S GOING ON.
PEOPLE ARE LOSING THEIR JOBS.
WE HAVE TO BRING IT BACK, AND THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOING.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "PEOPLE ARE DYING ALL SORTS OF
WAYS, DAVE-- YOU GOT THE DRUGS, SUICIDE, GOING FOR MY NAWCHOSE.
AND YOU'VE GOT SOME IDIOT OUT THERE TELLING PEOPLE TO INJECT
BLEACH."
THEN MUIR ASKED TRUMP IF HE HAD A MESSAGE FOR THE FAMILIES
GRIEVING THE LOSS OF LOVED ONES FROM COVID AND, UNFORTUNATELY,
THIS WAS IT: >> WE'RE SUPPLYING VAST
AMOUNTS OF MONEY LIKE NEVER BEFORE.
WE WANT THAT MONEY TO GET TO THE PEOPLE.
AND WE WANT THEM TO GET BETTER.
AND WE WANT 'EM-- YOU CAN NEVER REALLY COME CLOSE TO REPLACING,
WHEN YOU'VE LOST SOME-- NO MATTER HOW WELL WE DO NEXT YEAR,
I THINK OUR ECONOMY IS GOING TO BE RAGING.
IT'S GOING TO BE SO GOOD.
NO MATTER HOW WELL, THOSE PEOPLE CAN NEVER, EVER REPLACE SOMEBODY
THEY LOVE.
BUT WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOMETHING THAT THEY'RE GONNA BE VERY PROUD
OF.
>> Stephen: THAT IS COLDER THAN THE CAVES OF PLUTO.
IMAGINE THAT OBITUARY: "HE IS SURVIVED BY TWO SONS, A
GRANDDAUGHTER, AND A RAGING ECONOMY!
HE WOULD BE RICH IF HE WASN'T DEAD.
REST IN PROFITS."
THE COVID CRISIS IS SOMETHING THE AVERAGE AMERICAN COULD NEVER
HAVE PREPARED FOR, BUT THE SUPER-RICH COULD, BECAUSE RICH
AMERICANS HAVE ACTIVATED PANDEMIC ESCAPE PLANS, INCLUDING
FLEEING TO MULTIMILLION DOLLAR BUNKERS 11-FEET UNDERGROUND IN
NEW ZEALAND.
GOOD LUCK.
YOU WILL NOT BE THE ONLY FOLKS IN NEW ZEALAND HOARDING GOLD
UNDERGROUND.
BUT DURING THE CRISIS, PEOPLE ARE ALSO BURROWING TO SAFETY
RIGHT HERE AT HOME, THANKS TO A BUNKER COMPANY CALLED THE VIVOS
GLOBAL SHELTER NETWORK, WHICH CALLS ITSELF "THE BACKUP PLAN
FOR HUMANITY."
ALTHOUGH, IF YOU ASK ANYONE SHELTERING ALONE, THE BACKUP
PLAN FOR HUMANITY IS A COUCH CUSHION WITH GOOGLY EYES.
THEY MAKE A VERY PATIENT LOVER.
RIGHT NOW, TWO DOZEN FAMILIES HAVE MOVED INTO A VIVOS SHELTER
IN SOUTH DAKOTA.
THIS VIRUS HAS CHANGED A HOT.
FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, THERE ARE TWO DOZEN PEOPLE IN SOUTH
DAKOTA.
AND VIVOS IS EXPANDING ITS BUNKER SUPPLY INTERNATIONALLY.
RIGHT NOW, THEY ARE DEVELOPING A 1,000-PERSON SHELTER IN GERMANY.
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "RIGHT SIDE OF HISTORY" LIKE AN UNDERGROUND
BUNKER IN GERMANY.
WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
ROBERT DE NIRO IS HERE, BOBBY "D."
BUT WHEN I RETURN, I PREVIEW THIS YEAR'S HOTTEST MOTHER'S DAY
CARDS.
WITH THIS YEAR'S HOTTEST MOTHER.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪