As fun as Halloween is,
sometimes the parties are a shit show.
Someone wears an inappropriate costume,
everyone drinks too much.
the woman I go home with wakes up to see
that my muscles were part of my costume.
One year, I left a party with someone
that I thought was a sexy cat.
It turned out just to be a regular cat.
[ Laughter ]
I went down on her. She said she didn't enjoy it.
My tongue was too smooth.
[ Laughter ]
Although, she did say my dick was quite pleasurable.
Anyway, we're still dating.
[ Laughter ]
We divorced a year ago. And now she has a house.
[ Laughter ]
Very clearly, I've gone off script a bit.
I, uh --
I was meant to end with the smooth-tongue thing.
[ Laughter ]
The point is, Halloween can be pretty disappointing
if not for the candy.
Well, bad news, America.
Because your candy sucks.
Particularly the chocolate.
In the U.K., it isn't chocolate
unless it contains at least 25% cocoa solids.
In the U.S., that amount can only be 10%.
10 percent!
That's not nearly enough to pass off as chocolate.
What if you found out you were 10% chocolate?
That wouldn't give you the right to walk into a chocolate club
and start high-fiving everyone and saying things like,
"Hello, my fellow chocolates. What's up, my nougat?"
That wouldn't be okay.
They'd be like, "Get the [bleep] outta here, Milky Way! Go!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
And what Americans think is British chocolate
actually isn't.
Some companies that license a U.K. brand
tweak the original recipes to sell it in the U.S.,
and often the American versions are, as the Brits say, no bueno.
We describe its flavor as vomitous.
Because it contains an emulsifier and stabilizer
called butyric acid,
which naturally occurs in and gives its peculiar smell
to vomit, body odor, and bad feet.
Vomit, body odor, and bad feet.
No wonder the Brits don't like our chocolate.
It reminds them of the French!
Because French people are disgusting
and should be ashamed of themselves!
So, America, your chocolate is shit.
But, honestly, all your candy is shit.
Most of the sugar is in the form of high fructose corn syrup,
which is cheaper and sweeter than regular sugar
and contributes to all kinds of health problems.
Don't take my word for it.
Here's a guy in a lab coat who's a doctor...maybe.
High fructose corn syrup increases your appetite,
and it promotes obesity more than regular sugar.
So, what do we do?
Knowing what's in our kids' loot bags,
we can't let them eat it, can we?
Yes, we can.
Because there's absolutely no way
we can stop it from happening.
Do we really expect our 6-year-old
to understand "everything in moderation"?
No. They're 6. And they're stupid.
And it's Halloween.
And their stomachs will hurt, and you will find Skittles
in the crevices of your couch long beyond Christmas.
But it's one night out of the year, so [bleep] it.
Let them enjoy it.
If anything, we should at least
make sure our kids are eating the good stuff.
So here's my idea.
I'm gonna start my own black-market
European chocolate importing company.
I'll smuggle the real chocolate back into America
the same way that drug mules do it --
by shoving it up my ass.
It's a perfect crime.
If a TSA officer ever suspects me,
all they'll see in the X-ray is a perfectly rectangular turd.
"Nothing out of the ordinary here, Officer!"
And, yes, of course, I'll have to unwrap the chocolate
before I cram it up there.
I'm not a [bleep] idiot.
But I'm telling you, after a quick rinse,
you won't even care.
Because British chocolate is really that good.