IT'S BEEN KIND OF COOL HERE IN LOS ANGELES.
I DON'T LIKE THE COLD.
REGGIE, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF WEATHER?
>> I DON'T MIND IT, PUTTING ON A COUPLE OF SWEATERS.
>> James: HOW ABOUT THE WEIGHT LOSS?
>> Reggie: I USED TO BE A SHORTS GUY IN ANY SORT OF
WEATHER GUY.
>> James: LIKE HOW WAS HE WEARING A PAIR OF SHORTS IN THIS
>> Reggie: LIKE A MEATBALL FALLING OUT OF THE SANDWICH.
>> James: YOU DON'T COME HERE FOR THE WEATHER, YOU COME HERE
FOR NEWS.
YOU COME HERE FOR HARD FACTS AND DAMMIT, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE
GOING TO GIVE THEM.
THE VOTE ON PRESIDENT BIDEN'S COVID RELIEF BILL HAS BEEN
DELAYED IN THE SENATE, AND IT LOOKS LIKE IT COULD BE DELAYED
EVEN LONGER.
REPUBLICAN RON JOHNSON IS PLANNING TO FORCE A READING OF
THE ENTIRE 600-PAGE BILL ON THE SENATE FLOOR, WHICH WOULD TAKE
TEN HOURS.
I'M GOING TO WAIT UNTIL IT'S ADAPTED ON NETFLIX.
I'LL WATCH IT THEN, YOU KNOW?
THE 600-PAGE BILL WILL BE READ ALOUD IN THE SENATE, FOR TEN
HOURS.
THIS IS THE POLITICAL EQUIVALENT OF MAKING SOMEONE COME TO YOUR
IMPROV SHOW.
"OKAY, I'M GOING TO NEED THE NAME OF A CITY?
AND AN OCCUPATION?" WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?
HE'S PLANNING TO FORCE A READING OF THE ENTIRE BILL OUT LOUD.
IF YOU ASK ME, RON JOHNSON IS ACTING LIKE A REAL RON JOHNSON.
IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH RON JOHNSON, HE IS WHAT HAPPENED
WHEN AN EXPERIMENT TO CLONE MIKE PENCE WENT WRONG.
IN OTHER WHITE HOUSE NEWS, PRESIDENT BIDEN'S CABINET IS
TAKING SHAPE-- BUT IT'S COMING TOGETHER MORE SLOWLY THAN ANY
ADMINISTRATION IN MODERN HISTORY.
CURRENTLY, BIDEN'S CABINET IS HALF EMPTY.
ALTHOUGH, I PREFER TO LOOK AT IT AS "HALF FULL."
I DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE EXPECTED.
THE MAN FIRST RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 1988, AND DIDN'T WIN UNTIL
2020.
SPEED'S NEVER REALLY BEEN HIS THING.
PLUS, BIDEN IS 78 YEARS OLD.
USUALLY WHEN HE FILLS A CABINET, IT'S WITH CUTE LITTLE FIGURINES
HE PAINTED IN A CERAMICS CLASS.
MOVING ON TO THE COVID FRONT WE THOUGHT THIS WAS INTERESTING.
IN ORDER TO PROTECT VACCINES FROM BEING STOLEN, SHIPPING
COMPANIES ARE NOW USING "JAMES BOND-LEVEL" SECURITY MEASURES,
INCLUDING PANIC BUTTONS, KILL SWITCHES, AND UNDERCOVER GUARDS.
"THE NAME'S JOHNSON.
JOHNSON -- I DON'T KNOW WHY I PUT AN AMERICAN AK SINT.
WE'RE DOING BOND, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T -- WHY NOT DO THAT?
THE MOST ICONIC BRITISH CHARACTER OUTSIDE OF PADDINGTON.
>> BECAUSE YOU WERE ABOUT TO DO JOHNSON YOU TIPPED BACK TO --
>> James: I.TIPPED BACK TO RON JOHNSON, VERY ASTUTE
GUILLERMO.
WHO DO YOU THINK THE NEXT BOND WILL BE?
IF YOU GOT TO PUT SOMEBODY'S NAME ON IT WHAT COULD IT BE?
>> Reggie: I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE IDRIS.
IT'S A HARD ONE.
YEAH HOW ABOUT A BRITISH MAN?
>> HE'S ALMOST TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE A BOND.
HE'S SO GORGEOUS I FEEL BAD ENOUGH TO GET BEAT UP BUT IF
IT'S BY A GUY THAT GOOD LOOKING, HE DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL ANYBODY,
THEY WOULD DO IT THEMSELVES.
YEAH HE DOESN'T HAVE THE EYES OF A KILLER.
>> DANIEL CRAIG IS HOT DON'T GET ME WRONG --
>> James: BUT HE COULD BE AN UBER DRIVER.
THREE WRONG CHOICES YOU'RE LIKE I'L TIP HIM 20%, HE WAS PRETTY
HOT!
(LAUGHTER) >> James: I'M ALWAYS SHOCKED
IN BOND WHEN HE SAYS THE NAME BOND, JAMES BOND, THAT NOBODY
GOES OH, FROM THE FILMS?
NOT ONE CHARACTER, NOT ONE CHARACTER IN BOND HAS WATCHED A
BOND MOVIE!
I'M CONSTANTLY AMAZED.
OH MY GOD FROM THEIR FILMS, BASED ON THE IAN FLEMING FILMS.
BACK TO THE ORIGINAL SHOW, THE NAME IS JOHNSON JOHNSON &
JOHNSON.
THE VACCINE IS EXACTLY LIKE THE UPCOMING JAMES BOND MOVIE...
BECAUSE BOTH HAVE BEEN DELAYED MULTIPLE TIMES, AND I'M GETTING
PRETTY FRUSTRATED BY IT.
IN FACT, THIS WHOLE THING HAS ALREADY INSPIRED THE NEXT BOND
FILM...
"GOLD-PFIZER."
SHOULD WE PUT TOGETHER A CREW FOR A HEIST TO TRY TO GET THESE
VACCINES LIKE THEY'RE SHIPPING AROUND?
>> OH YEAH.
>> James: I THINK WE GOT A GOOD CREW HERE.
WHAT IS THE GREASE-MAN?
YOU'RE THE GREASE-MAN RIGHT?
>> THIS IS AN ENGLISH THING I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
>> James: THE GREASE MAN, YOU GET IN AMONGST IT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT EITHER, I THOUGHT IT WAS AN AMERICAN
THING.
AS I LOOK AROUND THE ROOM -- I'M LESS CONFIDENT IN OUR ABILITIES.
>> WAIT, WHAT ARE THE POSITIONS?
WHAT ARE THE POSITIONS?
THERE IS A FIXER.
YOU NEED A FIXER TOO.
>> James: I THINK -- >> DRIVER.
I'LL BE A DREFER.
>> James: YOU BE A DRIVER, REGGIE IS A DRIVER.
AGAR IS THE TEMPTRESS.
AND AGAR, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY TOMORROW?
>> IT'S SATURDAY.
>> James: SATURDAY?
THEN FORGET IT.
AND DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR SATURDAY.
>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAGAR YOU'RE THE LOVELIEST.
>> James: SO DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS?
A GROUP OF GREAT APES AT THE SAN DIEGO ZOO HAVE BECOME THE
VERY FIRST NON-HUMANS TO GET THE COVID VACCINE SHOT.
GOOD TO KNOW WHERE YOU RANK, ISN'T IT?
(LAUGHTER) >> James: GOOD TO KNOW ON THE
LIST OF SPECIES WE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT, HOW FAR AWAY FROM THE
GROUP OF APES THE AT THE SAN DIEGO ZOO.
THE VACCINE WAS GIVEN TO SEVERAL GREAT APES, PLUS A COUPLE OF
GOOD APES, AND THEN ONE APE WHO WAS JUST SORT OF OKAY.
AND-- THIS IS TRUE-- ONE OF THE APES IS AN ORANGUTAN NAMED
KAREN.
SHE WASN'T ORIGINALLY SUPPOSED TO RECEIVE THE VACCINE...
SHE JUST COMPLAINED TO THE ZOO'S MANAGER UNTIL SHE FINALLY GOT
HER WAY.
AND IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS, VISITORS TO CHINA ARE ANGRY
BECAUSE EVERYONE COMING INTO THE COUNTRY IS NOW REQUIRED TO TAKE
CHINA'S VERSION OF A COVID TEST, WHICH IS ADMINISTERED BY ANAL
SWAB.
CHINA SAYS IT'S MORE ACCURATE.
OTHERS SAY IT ISN'T.
SOMEONE SHOULD REALLY GET TO THE...
BOTTOM OF THIS.
THERE SHOULD BE SOME SORT OF PROBE INTO THIS!
VISITORS TO CHINA SAY THEY ARE BEING PRESSURED TO TAKE THE ANAL
VERSION.
CHINESE OFFICIALS JUST KEEP TELLING THEM, "COME ON, IT'S MY
BIRTHDAY!
(LAUGHTER) >> James: LET'S TRY IT ONCE.
AND LOOK AT THE INSTRUCTIONAL GRAPHIC THAT GOES ALONG WITH THE
TEST.
LOOK AT THAT!
THAT WAS SOMEONE'S JOB TO MAKE THAT!
SOMEONE SITTING AT HOME DRAWING THAT.
LIKE IS DINNER READY?
NO, I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE.
I CAN'T GET THIS BUTT SWAB RIGHT.
AND, THIS IS EXCITING-- THE MAKER OF A SUPERSONIC JET WHICH
WILL BE ABLE TO FLY FROM LONDON TO NEW YORK IN 90 MINUTES, HAS
JUST REVEALED WHAT THE INSIDE OF THE JET WILL LOOK LIKE.
HERE IT IS.
LOOK AT THAT.
IT LOOKS GORGEOUS.
THE FIRST PASSENGERS WILL BE THE GREAT APES FROM THE SAN DIEGO
ZOO.
NOT TO BE OUTDONE.
SPIRIT AIRLINES JUST ANNOUNCED THEY CAN NOW GET YOU FROM L.A.
TO SAN DIEGO IN JUST UNDER SEVEN HOURS.
UNLESS IT'S A HOLIDAY.
THEN IT'S 11, WITH ONE STOP.
AND FINALLY, WE WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS-- BECAUSE IT'S IN OUR
MISSION STATEMENT.
AN INFECTIOUS DISEASE EXPERT AT HARVARD UNIVERSITY RECENTLY
TWEETED A PHOTO OF JOHNSON & JOHNSON'S VACCINE EFFECTIVENESS,
AND IT LOOKED LIKE-- WELL, SEE FOR YOURSELVES.
LOOK AT THOSE NUMBERS.
YOU CAN TELL JOHNSON & JOHNSON IS EXCITED.
COME ON GUYS, YOUR VACCINE WAS SUPPOSED TO FLATTEN THE CURVE.
HERE'S THE THING: IS THIS NEWS?
NOT REALLY.
DO WE ENJOY LOOKING FOR NEW WAYS TO UNDERMINE CBS CENSORS ON A
NIGHTLY BASIS?
WE'LL LET YOU BE THE JUDGE.