- [Announcer] Future Puppet News.
Finally, news from a source you can trust:
puppets from the year 3000.
With help from their Senior Time Machine,
they'll uncover history's most mysterious mysteries,
traveling through space and time
for that hot, historical scoop.
Get ready for cold, hard facts from warm, squishy puppets.
Facts you can trust, dedication you believe in,
creepy lifeless eyes.
Future Puppet News, broadcasting the past from the future.
- Yes, yes.
- Exactly.
Later tonight we ask the question:
Which of these normal household items
might just be a silent killer?
- But first we go live to our coverage
of tonight's State of the Puppet Union
with our commander-in-chief, President Stuffz J. McGee.
- Good evenin', and welcome my fellow Puppetonians.
I'm here to address our nation in a time of great need.
But first, let me just grab this thing real quick,
hold on now.
Uh, there we go, we had to put this on
so the missus can't read my brain thoughts.
Anywho, like I was sayin', we need to put
more fluoride in the chem-trails,
because if we don't, who's gonna?
Am I right?
Is this thing on?
Because that killed in Boise last night.
Anyway, I hope y'all elect me to my ninth consecutive term,
because I hate moving.
Oh yeah, and the State of the Puppet Union is succulent.
Oh man, is that the secret word of the day?
I did it! Woo!
Is that a cake?
- Hurray for low voter turnout!
- That guy is without a doubt the weirdest president
the United States has ever seen.
- I don't think so.
There must have been weirder presidents.
- Yeah, honestly I think I can probably name a few.
- Really?
That's pretty cool, Hamblin.
- Oh yeah, well, I think that, uh--
- Buttercup, I could blow your mind
with the weirdest presidents you have every imagined.
- You just said the exact opposite thing moments ago.
- Mmhmm.
- To the Chronodoppler!
- Don't have to tell me twice, I love pulling levers!
- Well, looks like we're off on a tour
of the weirdest presidents to lead this nation.
Hit it, Dale!
- Uh, Dale?
- I swear, this has never happened before.
Just, just hold on.
- Uh, the studio must just be really cold today.
Would you give it a minute?
- Beep, boop, try to relax, boop boop.
- Ah, ho. You see, that's how it's done.
- I'm here with Abraham Lincoln, 16th President
of the United States, and furious fighter of the frontier.
- Ahh!
- He was even inducted into the National Wrestling
Hall of Fame in Stillwater, Oklahoma.
But the weirdness is just starting.
Lincoln was the first president with a beard.
What a freak!
- Okay, I mean, that's not that weird,
but it's believed he grew it because
of a letter he received from an 11 year-old girl
named Grace Bedell who suggested it might help
with his presidential prospects.
And if that wasn't enough, he frequently kept
important documents in his hat.
- Aha!
- Now that's what I call using your head.
If you're criminally insane!
- Wha?
- I guess those were kinda weird, but I'm here
with George Washington and while it's not true
that he had wooden teeth, his chompers
weren't exactly normal.
He had animal, ivory, even lead teeth.
In fact, at the time of his inauguration
he had only one actual tooth left.
- Meh! Ah!
- Uh, lookin' good, George.
- Ah, ha ha.
- Nice reporting, Jackie.
I'm here with Teddy Roosevelt, who during his time
at Harvard was a member of a group called
the Hasty Pudding Club, but--
- The weirdness was just beginning.
As president, Roosevelt kept an enormous number of pets,
including five guinea pigs named Admiral Dewey,
Bishop Doan, Dr. Johnson, Father O'Grady,
and Fighting Bob Evans.
Whew! And that's not all.
Roosevelt loved boxing and continued to spar
with professional boxers even during his presidency.
His hobby came to an abrupt end
when one session left him permanently blinded in one eye.
Yikes!
- Oh, bully. Good hook, sport.
- How about a president who's whole administration
was a mishap?
William Henry Harrison refused to wear a coat or hat
during his cold and rainy inauguration and caught pneumonia,
passing away barely a month later.
I'm here to grab a quick interview before...
Oh, you know what, he's already dead.
Back to you Chip.
- Think you were more than a little late, Michelle.
- Oh, that's odd.
I could have sworn I set the coordinates right.
- Outta the limelight cupcake.
Let sweet Uncle Chippy bring a new level
of weirdness to the party.
- Ugh, sounds like your specialty.
- Calvin Coolidge, elected in 1923, is known
for being our most reserved president.
But did you know he was also our sleepiest?
Coolidge averaged nine hours sleep per night.
He frequently took naps averaging
two to four hours during the day.
And when he wasn't sleeping, he was pranking.
Yes, Coolidge was a lifelong prankster.
One of his favorites was to hit all the buttons on his desk,
summoning all his servants at once,
and then hiding when they arrived.
Just the type of joke I'm sure never ever got old.
And perhaps his biggest prank of all was
maintaining a hands-off stance on economics
that led the country to the Great Depression
but pinning the blame on Herbert Hoover.
Good stuff, Cal.
- Huh, huh, huh?
- But you don't get brilliant ideas like that
if you start the day off any old way, no sir.
That's why Coolidge spent every morning
eating breakfast in bed while a servant
rubbed his head with petroleum jelly.
Yep, that's all happening right in front of you.
Good luck trying to top that one, Hamblin.
Jackie is mine!
- Uh, speaking of weird things, President John F. Kennedy
was fanatical about James Bond.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- In fact, he was so obsessed, and this is kind of eerie,
only months before his death he made
a James Bond homage home movie starring himself
and featuring his own assassination.
- Cut! Cut! Cut!
- [Jackie] Huh?
- This is amateur hour, you've got no raison d'être,
no charisma.
And I've got no reason to even be in this time period.
- You're, er-uh, fired, you jelly donut!
- That was neat, but I think if we're very quiet,
we might just catch a glimpse of, oh here he comes.
I'm with James Madison, out littlest president.
He was 5'4" and weighed under a hundred pounds.
He also frequently wrote in a secret code.
But strangest of all was his love for ice cream.
Sure, that doesn't sound so weird.
But one of his most frequently eaten flavors was oyster.
Hmm?
Blech! Yuck!
That tasted like expensive boogers.
Well, James Madison may have been a tiny,
code-writing, oyster-eater, but Benjamin Harrison
was the first president to electrify the White House
only to live in terror of the invisible current.
- He was so afraid, he never touched a switch
and would frequently sleep with the lights on
out of fear of the strange new technology.
- Alright everybody, time for Big Papa Chip
to bring this one home, thanks to a certain--
- Cannonball!
- Huh. President John Quincy Adams, who loved to start
his day with a nice private skinny dip
to get the blood flowing.
Because you need to be at the top of your game
when you keep pet alligators.
Yeah, that's some kooky stuff, folks.
But his crowning achievement of weirdness:
as president he mounted a taxpayer-funded expedition
to prove that the Earth was hollow.
To clarify, yes, that Earth.
- It's not hollow, boss!
- Whoopsies!
- Whoopsies indeed!
Alright Chronodoppler, bring me on home.
- Huh?
- What the hot puppet?
- Help me! Oh god, he's lan--
- Something must have gone wrong with the Chronodoppler.
- Nice try, Hamblin.
I know sabotage when I smell it,
and it smells like you, uggo!
- What are you talkin' about, I'm here with you.
- Ah-ha, he's emancipating me!
- Chronodoppler, can you please just try again?
- What the?
- Alright, dukes up, no hits to the moneymaker,
let's do this.
- Moneymaker? Sure, maybe in ugly dollars.
- You take that back.
- Stop it!
- This chin's a moneymaker.
- I hate electricity.
- Nooooo!
- I brought you into this world and I'm gonna take you out!
- Your insults don't even make any sense.
Your teeth look weird.
- Stop it, you two!
Look.
- Ugh, what's wrong with the Chronodoppler?
- Oh my gosh!
- Looks a-okay to me. Mm-hmm.
- I'm fine. Beep boop.
- [Both] Uh oh!
- There's something very wrong with the Chronodoppler.
It's not responding to any of the control overrides.
And this is the manual to an espresso maker!
- That's impossible, we've always treated it so well.
- This just in.
With the Chronodoppler going rogue and
our controls completely broken, it appears our studio is
about to be launched randomly into the space-time continuum.
It looks like all of us at Future Puppet News
are about to be...
About to be--
- Lost in time!
- Could this be the end of Future Puppet News?
- Hmm?
- Hmm.
- Hm.
- [Chronodoppler] Oh no, beep beep boop.
- Beep boop. Don't forget to subscribe.