I recall a time back in the mid-90’s when Crash Bandicoot - or, at least, a guy dressed
in a Crash Bandicoot getup - shot a number of less-than-friendly adverts right in Nintendo’s
parking lot.
At the time, said marsupial was synonymous with Sony’s upstart platform.
How strange was it, then, just five years later, to see said marsupial on the Gamecube
in The Wrath of Cortex.
Nothing in this industry is set in stone.
Not even Banjo and Kazooie, two of the shining stars of the N64, can remain loyal in the
face of big-money deals and corporate tomfoolery.
And so Rare turned the tomfoolery back on itself, crafting an alarmingly postmodern
reinterpretation of the hallowed collectathon.
Our heroes are depicted, having taken the decade since their creation rather harshly;
both have succumbed to morbid obesity at the hands of pizza and video games.
Can you blame them?
Anyway, the same witch comes back to torment them, and just as they’re about to get into
a scrum... this dude shows up, looking like a self-important game of pong.
He introduces himself as the Lord of Games, and proceeds to regulate by... pitting the
opponents in a... race to collect crap.
And then he realizes it’s all horribly boring, some smack-talk is exchanged, and the entire
thing turns into some strange cart-based thing.
It’s the kind of thing some cynical webcomic artist would come up with... but this actually
happened.
Scrap everything, take away all the shiny moves, give ‘em a truck, or a helicopter,
or heck, let ‘em build their own craft!
It’s freedom!
Well, call it what you will.
The construct of the game will feel familiar to most: enter a world, drive around a bit
to get your bearings, find some holographic projection of an NPC, complete a task, and
obtain a jigsaw piece.
(I refuse to call them Jiggies out of deference to Will Smith.)
The more of these you deposit in the big gumball-machine-lookin’ thing in the middle of town, the more areas
unlock, allowing you to collect more and more things.
Among those objects are new pieces for your various vehicular designs, up to and including
weapons systems, flotation devices, wings, fuel repositories, and engines.
Because even though you don’t have to run everything through a driveshaft or concern
yourself with questions of power differential, there’s still gotta be some sense to it.
Like the kind of sense that results in a bird in a backpack wielding a magic wrench while
a bear drives a helicopter thing that deposits oversized soda cans in a garbage receptacle
filled with copies of Grabbed by the Ghoulies that no one bought.
Obviously.
Or this moderately paradoxical level full of... the CD of the game itself.
And Viva Pinata, in a cute bit of cross-promotion.
However, no amount of sly winks and backhanded references can compensate for the fact that,
while the platforming physics are comfortable enough, the actual handling of these craft
leaves much to be desired.
Especially when there’s a psychotic witch on your six, and you need to absolutely, positively
get the hell out of dodge.
Or Showdown City, as it were.
Nuts and Bolts doesn’t really get down to its namesake, as well as some might’ve hoped
for the HD debut of a couple long-dormant superstars.
But as the game invites you during one of its many and lengthy loading screens, if you
want the fun divorced from the rather bolted-on driving mechanics, go buy the original on
XBox Live.
It’s a rather cynical take, but isn’t that what you people like?
Unabashed cynicism?
I thought so.