Hello I m Darren Magee and the topic for today s video comes from the questions, Did the narcissist
ever love me? or, Can narcissists love? Well there are different kinds of love. There is
love someone could have for their friends. There is the love someone might have for their family,
their parents, siblings, even their children. Then there's the kind of love someone could
feel for a partner, and it's that kind of love that I will be referring to in this video. Now,
if you are in or have been in a relationship with a narcissistic person, given how they behaved,
given how they may have treated you, the natural response might be to just say no . However,
it's not that easy to give a definitive answer as we can never fully know what's really going on in
someone's head. And also narcissism can be quite complex, it s on a spectrum. Some people can have
traits, mild traits. Some people can have very strong traits, but not necessarily a personality
disorder. Some of those traits can be quite mild, meaning perhaps they're just self absorbed. But
on the other end of the spectrum you might have someone who's very manipulative, quite malignant,
and sometimes outright wicked and sadistic. Just because a person may have narcissistic traits
does not mean they don't or can't love. That being said, it is possible they have a limited
capacity to love. Or maybe they love for selfish reasons. So what do we mean by love? Well I think
love is not just something you feel for someone, it is something you do. Even just small gestures.
You know, You look tired, go have a rest I ll sort this out. It could be respecting and
remembering something that is really important to the other person. There is individual as well as
joint responsibility in a relationship. There is give and take, negotiation, compromise and
even at times self sacrificing. Of love, Erich Fromm once said, That we must be motivated to
know another person s wants, their needs, their feelings and provide encouragement and support.
We take pleasure in their happiness and try not to hurt them. Now given high narcissistic people
behave these things might not necessarily be on their radar. But do they actually experience or
feel love for another person? So to answer that, I'm going to look at the different kinds of love
within a relationship and how narcissist might experience that, if at all. So firstly, there's
romance. Well, romance is something we all feel and we all do whenever we re first dating, getting
to know each other. But narcissists tend to move very quickly and can be quite seductive. They can
be very attentive but don't really take the time to get to know someone. Know about them, yes,
but not actually get to know them as a person. So there is no real intimacy or connection. There's
no real foundation for a long term commitment. In relationships with narcissistic people this
is what a lot of people often look back on and call the love bombing stage. They put someone
on a pedestal, shower them with gifts, romantic gestures. They're very thoughtful and attentive
and the person on the receiving end falls for this version of them and reciprocates with love,
adoration. So in a way they become a narcissistic supply. As narcissists tend to view relationships
as transactional, so quite often it's more about themselves. And as I said,
some people look back upon that and realise this was part of the manipulation. The narcissistic
person gets positive attention, validation and sexual satisfaction, but so does the other person.
So narcissists can experience romantic love, but they tend to see other people as extensions of
themselves rather than as separate individuals. Many cases this is more about what they get
from it, so it can be more about doing romantic things rather than being romantic. Then there's
infatuation, or commonly referred to as being in love. So there's a lot of passion, a lot of fun,
a lot of pleasure and excitement. When in love, people can be more irrational. Decisions can be
impulsive, impetuous. And it can be an amazing feeling. We all love to be loved. I think this
would be the most common type of love a narcissist experiences. Could be said that narcissists love
the idea of being in love. But it is short lived. When the infatuation begins to fade the narcissist
might just end it. They just might move onto someone else, start the excitement all over again
or they can already be looking for a new partner as that relationship is coming to an end. However,
sometimes the infatuation and being in love can lead to a long term commitment. For example, there
could be marriage kids, or they could be living together, have a mortgage together. Now, it's not
to say that a narcissist cannot have or be in a long term relationship, many do. But they find it
difficult to maintain. And this is often where the real difficulties begin to arise because it's not
just about making a commitment to a person, but it's about maintaining that commitment. So they
might make a commitment don't necessarily honour it. Because in long term relationships, they lack
the motivation to maintain the romance. Remember they do romantic rather than are romantic, so it's
hard to keep up the facade. And with pathological narcissism, what we often see is selfishness,
being disagreeable. There's arrogance, jealousy and envy, and that makes it difficult for them to
express love. And it becomes, this becomes more apparent whenever demands are placed on them.
Because relationships require levels of trust and intimacy, not just physical but emotional and even
intellectual intimacy, which can bring up feelings of vulnerability which narcissists see as a sign
of weakness. So their defence mechanisms kick in to avoid that emotional closeness. And those
defence mechanisms often distort their perceptions of their partner and indeed any of their
interactions with their partner. They will make a lot of excuses just to keep an emotional distance
and it's usually the partners fault, We ll reach the next level of this relationship whenever
you start to or, Whenever you stop whatever. They often reject the partner's attempts to
reach out. Their suggestions, their ideas, their advances. Any attempt the partner makes to connect
is rejected. Again maybe to say yes or to agree to something might feel to them as if the partner has
some kind of power which brings up that feeling of weakness and vulnerability in them so they shut it
down and hence the being disagreeable. There is also a sense of entitlement.
The way the partner reacted, behaved, felt about them in the early days of the relationship they
expect to continue even though they no longer behave the way they once did. This brings up
feelings of frustration, disappointment and anger when the partner doesn't behave that
way. There can also be fantasies of perfect love, the perfect partner, perfect life.
But these are just fantasies. Reality doesn't match, and rather than adjust their expectations,
they can feel hard done by and feel quite resentful. As they don't have a strong sense
of self and they lack insight they often blame the partner for the failures in the
relationship. They project their own faults, their own insecurities onto the partner. This is often
referred to as blame shifting. And the partner is always kept in a constant state of strain because
they will never reach the level of perfection required. Overtime they might become angry,
cold, judgmental, especially times whenever they are challenged or if they don't get their
own way. That being said, they can support their partner at times and in different ways.
Again, they see the relationship as transactions, so it could be because there's something in it for
them. Maybe their ego is satisfied somehow, or perhaps it's just not too inconvenient for them.
So I would say in conclusion that yes, they can love, but the beginning of a relationship
is easier for them because they are excited. They are being fed with constant affection, attention,
they're being idolised. But things change whenever the partner wants or needs something more from
them emotionally. Until, though they may have a cognitive empathy and intellectual empathy,
that's not really enough for emotional connection. Many narcissistic people lose interest in the
relationship whenever the expectation and need for intimacy increases. They seek power and don't
like a lack of control that vulnerability brings. So as I said earlier, they avoid
closeness to try to maintain a sense of control. There can be positivity in the relationship.
This would be more around shared interests, or perhaps when their ego is being fed. But because
they lack insight, they cannot see themselves as the problem and will go to many lengths to
avoid any personal responsibility. The focus is often on protecting themselves. There's
little to no concern for others, even those closest to them. They like the idea of love,
but they struggle where there is commitment or effort required. And many fantasise over or even
have other partners. Because they will always put their own needs first they don't really
know what a healthy, functional relationship with give and take looks or feels like. Their
love for their partner is conditional. But their partners, love for them must be unconditional.
And all of these things are not conducive to a loving environment or a loving relationship.
In long term relationships with narcissists, there can be a level of commitment, but no
real connection. There's no passion, there's no romance, no love. There's no real interest in
the partner. This is often referred to as empty love. The only love and affection they do show is
whenever they are motivated to do so. And it can be exhausting work for the partner. The partner of
someone with very strong narcissistic traits, they feel, among other things, starved of affection,
lonely, emotionally and mentally exhausted. So with a narcissistic person, even if there is love
their behaviours ultimately drive people away and many narcissists often end up with stagnant,
loveless or failed relationships. Even the long term ones can eventually end because people can
only take so much. And they look back at the early stages of their own relationship on wonder where
it all went wrong. Not always recognising that even if they loved that person, their behaviour
eventually drove them away. So back to the question, did they ever love you? Well the
best person to answer that is you. Looking back at the early stages of the relationship it might not
be easy to recognise if it was just manipulation to get you or if they ever truly loved you as a
person. Or maybe they just loved how you made them feel about themselves. And you know what? Maybe at
that time maybe they did love you. But if you look at how the relationship began to change.
Was it when you needed more than just a nice present, a good time, or just being in their
company? Was it when you wanted something in return for everything that they were demanding?
Maybe you need to ask yourself if you felt loved, if you felt heard, if you felt respected,
genuinely cared about. You think about that when you think about their reactions way back then.
I'm going to leave you with something that, just like everybody else, I learned the hard way.
Actions speak louder than words. Regardless of how someone might
feel or claim they feel about you, if they treat you like you don't matter to them.
You probably don't. So I hope you find this video interesting. Please feel free to use the comment
box below if there's anything you'd like to add or anything you've been comfortable enough to share.
There are some interesting conversations start around these videos, but if you like this video,
please consider subscribing to my channel. And until next time, thanks for watching.