'There's a time to love and a time to attend to important business.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Nothing’s going to happen. Nothing you won’t like, my dear’
You know, I try these lines in real life and women never respond to them.
Chosen by one of our Patreon shadows – one of their many benefits -
we’re looking at The Curse of the Living Corpse.
‘You all have my deepest sorrow’
Directed by Del Tenney of I Eat Your Skin, please check out our review of that.
rected by Del Tenney of I Eat Your Skin (please check out our review of that). The film opens in 1892 as patriarch Rufus Sinclair is buried by his family,
including his eldest son Clark Gable,
‘Patience is the least of my endearing charms’
nephew Davy Jones from the Monkees and younger son, actually Roy Schneider
‘No longer need I live cowering in my bed’
in his film debut, playing Philip Sinclair, constantly drunk, yet incredibly eloquent.
'Would you like to have a go at that my learned brother.'
‘Lead us not into the twilight region of doubt, Dr Sinclare’
Actually that goes for all the characters cos this is how people used to talk.
‘I was just going downstairs for a book’
‘About perfumed nights, and ladies ravished by swooning admirers?’
There’s no way the writer didn’t have a thesaurus open beside them.
As you might expect, Rufus’s will is far from standard
‘Each of you must fulfil certain conditions’
owing to his fear of being buried alive,
each of the family have their own tasks to make sure that if a mistake has been made,
he can still get out, for instance
‘Seth is responsible for keeping lighted torches in my tomb both day and night.’
I don’t want to be stubbing my toe and tripping over things when I come back from the grave.
And even if they stick to these tasks, they still have to wait a year to get the money
‘Well does this mean that I…’
…killed him for nothing?
Not only that.
‘And if you do not follow my wishes I solemnly vow each of you shall perish in the manner you most dread’
for example, Abigail is scared of fire so…
‘Flames shall be your fate if you disobey me’
Not sure there’s anyone who would welcome being burnt alive.
Bruce is a narcissist
‘What if your arrogant face should be disfigured hopelessly’
I certainly wouldn’t enjoy my death then.
then there’s Philip
‘You fear being choked or smothered’
his wife Vivian
‘A watery death will fulfil your fear of drowning’
basically, the family have a fear of dying, except for nephew, Robert #
‘Unless you follow my instructions I shall take from you what you love most'#
so… I’d be okay?
Amazingly, by the time of the will reading, they’ve all already dropped the ball,
which you’d think would invalidate the will but apparently not.
Still, the corpse of Rufus isn’t taking this lying down.
They should have been suspicious when he asked to be buried in his hat and coat
and wearing a mask.
And it’s not long before he’s enacting his vengeance - against the maid
about whom the will said nothing,
that was pathetic what sort of maniac are you?
Maid Letty has been carrying on with older son Bruce.
‘or are so you so fickle to have forgotten our nights in the kitchen, bathing desire under a full moon’
We must get a ceiling for that kitchen.
So we’ll assume that’s why she’s targeted and...
forcing Bruce to move onto his brother’s wife.
‘The night is fraught with incense and diaphanous ladies flitting about staircases in flight from their husbands’
Damn, that dialogue.
‘They’re probably having an exhilarating romp together’
Aren’t you a good sport.
They’re actually in the woods disposing of Letty in the old body dumping hole.
But then…
My face! Now Scarlet won’t give a damn about me.
Vivian flees.
I’m really enjoying this ride.
But what of Bruce? Last seen being dragged behind his dead father’s horse
‘He’s down at the stables’
Glossing over one little detail.
'Good god!'
'His face!'
Time to call in the police.
‘Thus far we have nothing that requires police action. All of this could have been an accident’
I can’t count the number of accidental beheadings in which the head turns up on a platter several miles from the body.
‘Would you prefer a different menu?’
In fairness, the police are the comic relief.
‘What’s the date?’ ‘Don’t worry, I’ll remember it’
If we stretch the definition.
Now certain Rufus has returned from the grave, they get a description
'His hair was rather straight, he wore it long.'
'About six feet, long straight hair.'
Wow, that is long hair
‘Prince Albert suit, stylish dresser, spats – with this description we’ll have no difficulty.’
All very well, here’s a picture of him.
Not one person mentioned he was Amish.
Now, while Constable hilarity is getting drunk with Philip.
‘Prometheus is an unwelcome guest in this house’
Just say you can’t light the fire!
Rufus continues his vengeance.
'Why don't you leave me alone.'
Ah yes, her morbid fear of curtains.
I’m kidding, she’s burnt alive,
while servant, Seth presumably had a phobia of being stabbed.
Anyway, the big reveal.
‘Phillip, it was you. All the time’
This raises some questions like why the hell was he in the coffin earlier?
A method acting murderer.
You could also ask how he carried all this out while drunk the whole time
but I don’t think that really matters
‘That’s not spirits, it’s tea, And all that time, pretending to be drunk’
Well that cleared up a minor plot hole by excavating a much larger one,
they both got drunk out of the same bottle.
The funny thing about this is, it really would make a good spoof, it’s plays like a stage production,
'Only a madman would do a thing like that.'
'Papa was insane.'
'He's down there with Bruce.'
an amateur stage production, but still.
The performances are huge.
‘Bruce, please, not now, not here.'
the dialogue feels like satire.
‘If he was buried alive you can be sure of one thing; by now he is hopelessly insane’
But it’s not a comedy.
Even with that dialogue it’s mostly pretty po-faced.
‘You disgust me’
Which is a shame really.
On the other hand, given the state of those police
‘I found it chief, right where I thought it would be’ #
‘The corpse?’
‘No the stable’
I think Del Tenney’s attempt at drama is probably funnier than his attempt at comedy.
'Well it's over and done with, I thought we would never see the end.'
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Is there a comic relief in a horror film that really works, absolutely lands it?
Let us know in the comments below.
'There you have it.'