Alright, when I was a kid, I had a pet butterfly
And I know that's fucking weird, a butterfly? Like, most people had dogs and cats or..
Even a fucking ferret, or something like that, that's not nearly as weird as a butterfly
But I was a weird kid, alright?
I listened to a lot of Smash Mouth at the time
And I was wearing a lot of fuckin' Hawaiian t-shirts, like somebody's dad
But in school they gave us these caterpillars to take care of, which is stupid
You know, you got a bunch of 9-year-olds, that can barely wipe their ass the right way
They're gonna really take care of something, aren't they?
"Yeah, it's a living thing here, go ahead, go crazy!"
But I was stoked, I was probably even more stoked than my dad would've wanted me to be
I didn't give a shit
"This fucking bug is gonna be living in our house, Dad, alright?!"
"He's got his own cardboard box, a little window, some twigs and shit"
"It's not like he's fucking drinking your beer out of the fridge, Dad, relax!"
And I took care of that fucking thing, okay
Not.. not like my tamagotchi, alright
It wasn't face-down in the dirt, dead, surrounded by it's own shit
I took care of it way better, than that fucking thing!
And a couple weeks later, believe it or not, it fucking metamorphosed into a little chrysalis
I'm all pumped, I'm showing my family and shit
"Oh, look the little guy's in a cocoon"
"IT'S A FUCKIN' CHRYSALIS, UNCLE RICK, NOT A GODDAMN COCOON!"
"It's not a moth, you dense bastard, Jesus Christ!"
"Why don't you go get another fucking DUI, uncle Rick? Why don't you do that?"
"For your not-knowing-butterfly ass"
And then finally, one morning I woke up and I peered into that box
And there it was, in all it's glory
Fucking Murphy the monarch butterfly!
And to this day, I don't think I've ever been so excited in my life
I'm like belting out Disney show tunes and shit
[Singing] "I can shhhoowww you the wooorrllddd!"
".. Shining, shivering splendorrrr.."
I'm going to school the next day, telling my friends:
"Hey! Hey, it turned into a butterfly, did yours turn into a butterfly?"
"Uhm.. what the fuck are you talking about? Oh, the fucking caterpillar?"
"No, my mom threw that in the garbage like two weeks ago, what the fuck, you have yours still?"
"Fuck yeah I have mine, are you kidding me?!"
I'm hanging out with the butterfly all day
I look like on the fucking cover of a Lisa Frank folder, for Christ's sake!
And I love that stupid-ass buttefly
We'd be, like, drinking Capri Suns
And playing Mario Kart in my room
I'd let it fly around the bathroom and shit
And I'd get it to come back to me by dipping a cotton ball in sugar water
It'd come right back to me
I was like the butterfly whisperer
It'd be like:
"OOohh I love this shit! Sugar water, ma duud!"
It was like the fucking alien in Men In Black
"Sugar. Sugar with water"
My dad would be, like, having beers with his friends
"Oh, hey Ken, what.. What's your kid doing over there?"
*Laughs*
"Well, he's.. he's.. he's fucking playing with his butterfly, alright?"
"He's got a pet butterfly, who the fuck cares, Mike, alright?"
"At least his teeth aren't all fucked up like your kid's"
"Looking like he's been chewing on bricks his whole goddamn life"
But then one day things went a little awry
And this is the part of the story, where things get a little sad
So get your Kleenex boxes out
I stayed the night at my buddy's house
And it was probably a standard nine-year-old night
You know, filled with fucking trading Pokemon cards, and talking about Pokemon cards
And Pokemon cards and more fucking Pokemon cards!
And I returned home
And I went upstairs to my room
And I noticed Murphy's little fuckin' butterfly condo is all smashed up and on my floor
And then I noticed on my floor
That there's little bits of Murphy the monarch butterfly scattered throughout my fucking room!
Like somebody had a surprise birthday party in my room the night before
And they used 100% butterfly confetti
And I'm totally devastated, I have no idea, what the hell happened
I'm like:
"Holy shit! My butterfly would rather blow itself up, than be my pet?"
Then I look over to the corner of the room
And my fuckin' cat's hanging out there
And he's got this look on his face, he's, like, smoking a cigarette, looking at me like:
"Yeah, bitch! I fucking ripped that thing apart!"
"I don't need that shit in my life, what the fuck are you gonna do about it?"
I just had a flash of rage
I could just picture him and my dad having a celebratory drink
"Yeah, looks like he's gonna have to start playing with normal shit now, isn't he?"
So I did what any nine-year-old would do to punish a cat
I STABBED IT IN THE FUCKING HEAD WITH A PITCHFORK!
No, I fuckin.. I didn't do that
But I did put his ass under a laundry basket
Put him in the laundry jail, like everybody.. Like everybody did, right?
Everybody put their cat under a laundry basket (?)
"YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, ASSHOLE, YOU MURDERED MY FUCKIN' BEST FRIEND!"
"YOU SIT THERE AND YOU THINK ABOUT IT!"
"YOU THINK ABOUT IT UNTIL MY MOM HAS TO USE THIS LATER"
"To wash my Stone Cold Steve Austin t-shirts"
So here's to Murphy, that stupid-ass butterfly, who was my best friend for a solid couple of weeks
"I'm sorry I was such a shitty owner"
"And I'm sorry I had to leave you and you turned into confetti"
But I had to fucking go and trade Pokemon cards, alright?
I had to get that holographic Alakazam
And I don't regret it, because I still have that fucking holographic Alakazam, alright?
You were gonna fuckin' die anyways
I know I was gonna wake up one morning and you'd be all stiff and white
Like a fucking dying ET on the bathroom floor
And then what would I do?
You'd be gone anyways, so it's a happy ending really, if you think about it
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