I'm so glad to be away
from my family.
(audience laughing)
I'm serious.
I love them,
but I got a dysfunctional family.
We all got dysfunctional families
members, don't we?
We can be honest.
I got an uncle that died, man.
He owed me $88.
He's going to die and owe me money.
(audience laughing)
And then he's going to have
a big $10,000 funeral, man.
Everybody's singing,
they saying nice things about him.
He got a new suit--
I don't know why-- but they gave him
a new suit.
And he owed me $88
and had the nerve
to make me an honorary pallbearer.
You should have seen the side
of my casket.
I was shaking him up all the way
to that gravesite, boys.
(audience laughing)
He went to heaven with 88 lumps
going right across the top
of his head, boy.
(audience laughing)
Don't die owing me money, man.
And my grandmother, she ain't no
better, boy.
You ever talk to a Black lady
on the telephone?
It ain't no conversation, is it?
You know what I'm talking about.
There ain't no conversation.
All you get is mm.
(audience laughing)
Mm-hmm.
Hmm-mm.
Ooooh.
(audience laughing)
That poor woman can mess a word up
and get mad at me
if I don't know what she's talking
about.
Other day she looks at me,
"go look on my chest-of-drawer
"and get my labner scarf."
I said, who?
"Labner."
I'm like, what is labner?
"Purple.
"I'll slap you in your mouth.
"Get my purple--"
Oh, you mean lavender.
That's what you're trying to say,
grandma?
(audience laughing)
Poor woman, man.
And my father, he ain't no better,
boy.
Anybody have to ever get
their parents off the toilet?
(audience laughing)
Come on, I ain't the only one.
You ever had to to have that job?
My father called me.
Yeah, yeah, he called me.
"Hey, Joey, Joey."
When he call's me Joey,
I know something's wrong.
"Joey, Joey."
He calling me.
I go over his house.
I hear he calling me,
and I don't see him.
I'm like, where is he at?
I'm walking through the whole house.
"Joey, Joey."
I finally looked and hear
through the vent, he upstairs.
I go upstairs.
He's sitting on the toilet.
"Son, I need you to help me up."
You know and I pull him
off the toilet.
You know what he's going to do?
He's going to turn around.
(audience laughing)
I said, oh, no, I'm going to tell
you like you told me.
If you could put it in the potty,
you can get it off the body.
I'm not wiping you off, man.
(audience laughing)
I'll put you in a wheelchair
and roll you through a car wash.
You'll be from head to toe clean
by then.
(audience laughing)
I mean, they ain't getting crazy,
man.
My mom, she's something else, boy.
Like I said, and my dad too, boy.
And their wardrobe, man.
Boy, you ever go over
to your parents' house,
and they got on clothes that should
be burnt?
(audience laughing)
My dad-- I said,
Pops, put your shorts
and your sandals on.
I'm coming to get you.
I get to his house.
He got on hot pants, y'all.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, his medicine and chain just
dangling right under the short leg.
(audience laughing)
The shorts is red,
the shirt is green,
he looked like a big bottle
of Tabasco sauce standing there.
(audience laughing)
And then he had those sandals on.
He didn't have the little flip-flop
that you guys wear.
Uh-uh, he had the gladiator kind
that wrapped all the way up
to his knee.
(audience laughing)
Then he got his cell phone
and jammed in the back.
"Come on, let's go kick it."
And I'm like, no, Caesar.
We ain't going nowhere.
(audience laughing)
That's a Chevy.
That ain't it chariot.
Get yourself in the house
and put some shoes on your feet.
(audience laughing)
Because I'm from Vegas--
now I'm in Vegas, man.
Right now, boy, and it get hot
out there, boy.
And people had their toes out,
and some of y'all should not have
your toes out.
(audience laughing)
I saw a woman one day.
Her toes was confusing.
I mean, the right toe was broke all
the way over to the left.
The left toe was broke to the right.
I'm like, how do you walk?
Do you slither on these things
when you're getting around?
(audience laughing)
Look at your feet.
They ain't cute.
Look at your toes.
The big toe ain't the big toe.
It's that little thing when it's
next to it that's hanging
over the end of the shoe.
(audience laughing)
And your pinky
look like a little thug.
It got that little half a nail on it.
Like it's looking at the rest
of the feet, like, what's up, dog?
(audience laughing)
It's messed up getting old, boy.
Y'all young kids, lucky, man.
And I got children too.
I love them-- love being with them,
love being away from.
And I'm serious because my daughter,
I was on the road and she ain't seen
me in a while,
and she was in the playground
playing.
And I saw her.
I said, look at my daughter playing.
Look at her.
And it brought a tear to my eyes.
I said, look at her.
She's so friendly.
She's playing
with these other little kids.
So I jump out of the car,
and I run over to her
and give her a little hug and kiss
because I haven't seen in a while.
She's going to shoo me away.
"Get away from me, Daddy, move.
"You're embarrassing me in front
"of all of my friends right now."
I'm like, embarrassing you?
How about that time
you ate that booger on Easter?
You remember that?
(audience laughing)
Get your self on over here.
(kiss sound)
Now we're even.
(audience laughing)
They're something else.
I love my kids, man.
I hang out with them.
I had to do something.
I didn't want to do
during the family reunion
because we had the COVID thing
going on.
I had to-- you ever have to sleep
with a kid?
You ever have to sleep in the bed
with them?
I had to sleep with my six-year-old.
You will get beat up sleeping
in the bed with a kid.
(audience laughing)
I'm serious.
I woke up.
I had an elbow in my neck,
her little fist was in my eye,
her foot was in my mouth.
I thumped as hard as I could right
in her head.
(thumping sound)
She go wake up crying.
"Daddy, something in the bed
"beat me up."
Me too.
(audience laughing)
They sleep like they worked
third shift, boy.
You ever see them?
Pillow on the floor, eye half open,
drool all on the side
of their mouth.
You're like, boy, the playground was
rough today, wasn't it?
(audience laughing)
And speaking of the playground,
I take my kids out to it
all the time.
Play with them,
have fun, man I got two boys that
are older and getting out
of the little litter I got now.
I got a young son,
and I got a daughter.
And I take them out
to the playground, and I have fun
with them.
And I had-- like if your boy fall
down on the ground, what's
the first thing you tell him?
You tell him-- what's
the first thing you tell him?
You tell him, get up.
This ain't the last time you fall down.
This ain't will be last time you get
hurt.
Shake it off.
Be a man.
When I'm playing with him
at the park club the other day,
y'all, I had something happen to me
ain't happen in years.
I got hit in the head with a swing.
(audience laughing)
Oh, y'all laughing.
It wasn't funny to me
at all because he set me up, man.
I'm pushing him in the swing,
the legs is kicking.
The other little parents, they
taking pictures of me, like,
look at him, he's a nice daddy.
And I'm swinging him back and forth,
and he's going to look at me,
say, "come on, Daddy.
"Give it to me higher."
And I said, all right, son.
You're going to get there.
And he saw another little kid
standing in his swing.
He's going to say, "come on,
"I said higher."
I said, boy, you better to watch
your mouth.
We're in public, man.
He said, "give it to me."
And I got that swing and took
a running start and
and swung it.
And the swing came back,
there wasn't nothing in it.
(audience laughing)
And it didn't hit me in the front
of my head.
It hit me in the back of my head,
threw me down face-first
in the dirt.
I'm laying there.
The one woman, she's dialling 911.
The other lady, she's scraping
the dirt off my face.
This little fool come
by with his hat on backwards.
"Get up, Daddy.
"This ain't going to be the last time
"you fall down.
(audience clapping)
"Shake it off.
"Be a man."
I'm going shake you off,
you little chump.
(audience laughing)
Then he's going to threaten me,
hit me, go ahead, hit me, hit me,
I'll call 611 Kids.
I'd love to see you make that phone
call with that phone
shoved up your butt.
(audience laughing)
I get it, man.
That'd be your first
and only booty call.
Go ahead and make that phone calls.
(audience laughing)
I love them, man, love being
with them
because I got kids-- when I was
a kid, my mom, she was something
else, too.
Disciplinary woman, man, beat you.
You have that mother that beat you
wherever you messed up at?
She'd give it to you wherever you
got it in, whatever you act up in.
I never get it in the grocery store.
She snatched the belt off
of an old man in the grocery store.
He was in a wheelchair.
She went right over to him, just zip
it right off his waist and start
beating me with it.
And he's rooting her on,
"get him, get him."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, dude, you gave her
the belt. She don't need the help.
Shut up.
(audience laughing)
Something else, boy.
My wife is like that now.
She's the disciplinarian.
She disciplines all my kids, man.
I got a wife--
I married a European woman.
My wife is Serbian.
She got that hard accent.
She sound like
Arnold Schwarzenegger
when she talks to me.
Yeah, she can tell me to take
a bath, and I start crying.
"Get in the room
"right now, and take off your clothes
"and get in the tub."
(audience laughing)
All of my clothes?
(audience laughing)
Yeah, she scares me, man.
And my daughter told a little bitty
lie, a little,
small, little-kid-lie.
And she looked at my daughter.
"Next time you lie to me,
"I'm going to take all of your toys
"and throw them.
"All of them, throw them."
And I'm like, wow, boy.
I thought about that, man.
You're going to throw her toys away
for lying?
Whew.
I went upstairs and packed up
my PlayStation, put my pool table
in the garage.
(audience laughing)
You'll never throw my toys away
for lying again.
(audience laughing)
I love being married.
It's a fun thing.
You've got the children, like I said.
They're always following you
around everywhere you go.
You ever tried to get away
from the kid, they follow you
everywhere you go?
You go to the bathroom,
and they follow you.
They got their little hands
under the door.
"Daddy, you coming out soon?
"When you coming out?
"When you coming out?"
I got a plunger beating
their knuckles.
Scram, I ain't never
coming out of here.
Beat it.
(audience laughing)