♪♪
-Everybody, it's time once again for "Corrections,"
and I think all in all, we had a -- we had a pretty good week.
Some cleanup from last week.
We did a piece...
on Thursday of last week where we talked about
Donald Trump once said that the American army
during the Revolutionary War took over the airports,
and then we said that General -- the British General Cornwallis,
when he tried to escape LaGuardia,
asked, "Where is ground transportation?"
And people pointed out that if you were British,
you would say, "Where is ground transport?"
Now, that's true, but here's the problem.
If we had said that, someone -- invariably, one of the jackals
would have said that LaGuardia is not called ground transport,
it's called ground transportation.
This is what we call a "Corrections" pickle,
and there's no path forward... that ends in salvation.
Like, they're both bad choices for me.
There's no way out for me.
There is one good choice,
but it is for you to make, which is just to stop.
We talked about Kellyanne Conway crashing an F-16
and landing in a parachute on the tarmac.
In the graphic we made, she was dressed like a skydiver.
A lot of people pointed out if she was in an F-16 piloting it,
she'd be wearing a flight suit and a parachute --
she wouldn't have prepared... for the parachuting.
So we'd like to apologize to her...
because we know how important veracity...is in her life.
We ask-- This is sort of a thing
we crowdsourced out to our friends in Oregon
because we've been talking a lot
about how many movies they shoot in Astoria, Oregon.
A lot of hit films -- "The Goonies,"
"Kindergarten Cop," "The Ring Two,"
which I referred to as "Ring Two,"
which was wrong.
A lot of people said it's not "Ring Two," it's
However, you go to a Blockbuster...
and ask for "Ring Two"
and they say, "We don't even know what that is."
And that's on them, you know?
They should be helpful at a Blockbuster,
and the last Blockbuster closed in 2019.
So yeah, that does work.
You could have gone to a Blockbuster
trying to rent "The Ring Two."
So, but they do have -- it turns out
there is film tourism in Astoria.
They have a film museum...
that is in the jail from "Goonies"...
which is great, so if you're looking for
fun for the whole family and, you know,
Disney World falls into the sea...
...head on down to the jail from "Goonies."
We've talked a lot about how you can't do Sloth anymore...
and I talked about
how that's been really hard for comedians...
who have, like, huge Sloth chunks in their act.
People said, "I see what you did there.
'Sloth chunks,' because the other character...
is Chunk."
That was an accident.
I had no idea I was doing that, which is, I think, proof...
dare I say, of... just how good this is.
That we're, like, on accident doing jokes that good.
A lot of people told me how to say, "Don't do Sloth," in Latin,
but it was, again, a "Corrections" pickle.
There were about eight choices.
The one thing that was clear is I should not have tried
to look up the Latin word for "sloth"
because Sloth is a character,
so I shouldn't -- it shouldn't just be like...
[ Speaking Latin ]
And I guess there's
a lot of Latin versions of, "Don't do Sloth,"
because I guess this was a problem in the Catholic Church.
A lot of priests were doing... they were doing Sloth.
Like, they were doing their Sloth impressions,
and it was obviously fairly offensive to...
What do you call people?
It's not parishioners.
What do you call people who go to Catholic church?
-Parishioner. -Parishioners.
Oh, that's right.
It's very offensive,
and so they would say to the, you know,
they would say to the Catholic priests, like,
you know, [Speaks Latin] and then they would move them.
But it wouldn't stop them. They'd still do Sloth.
They'd still do Sloth.
They'd say they stopped.
So...I talked about -- we talked about can one person...
line up, and someone said, "One person can't line up.
You can join a line and get in line."
And then I said it's like
that John Don poem "No Man Is a Line."
People said, "You mean John Donne.
You say John Donne."
John Donne wrote "No Man Is an Island."
John Don wrote "No Man Is a Line."
John Don was a... John Donne parody poet.
Weird John.
The first parody poet.
I smoked as a horse.
The other day, I pantomimed smoking as a horse.
We've talked a lot about smoking cockroaches,
and the "Corrections" jackals were very helpful here
and said, you know...
a cockroach wouldn't smoke from its mouth.
It would smoke from its spiracles,
I think it was, which is because its lungs are on its side,
so I thought I was safe for the horse because I was like,
"You know, horses have mouths."
Turns out a couple of things.
One...people pointed out,
and I should've known better, horses, with their hooves,
could not hold a cigarette.
It would have to be two,
so right away, this would be -- if you're correctly pantomiming,
if you're taking it seriously enough
to get it right... it would be this.
And then also, horses, according to --
again, this is just one solitary jackal, a lone jackal,
and this is the risk of "Corrections,"
which is a lone jackal tells me something
and I do know follow-up.
But they told me that due...
that horses have long, soft palates...
that blocks their -- I hope I'm saying this right --
epiglottis, and that a horse would smoke through their nose.
They breathe through their nose, so from now on,
if we pantomime horses smoking on the show,
it would have to be...
[ Inhales ]
[ Laughter ]
And so that means we're just not gonna --
we're not gonna do it again
because that's pretty distressing to watch.
A pig, though, I think, and I'd like to reach out to --
again, we've established
a lot of those in the farming community,
farm enthusiasts watch the show.
I think because of a cloven hoof,
a pig could hold a cigarette.
And we'll find out how they smoke, but I would love --
I think we'll do a lot more pigs smoking on the show
if this is...
[ Inhales ]
Oink.
Did a Larry David yesterday that...
I think in retrospect was pretty...
...pretty bad.
Not gonna do it again,
and just gonna get ahead of it --
same thing with tonight's Brokaw,
which you're seeing this on Friday.
But on Thursday night, thought I had a Brokaw.
Got away from me.
So before you even say it, I hear you.
Sang a couple lyrics from
Randy Newman's classic "I Love L.A."
I said, "I love L.A., I love it."
Shame on me.
It's, "I love L.A., we love it."
And that is a very important song for me,
and this is a very true story.
I moved to Los Angeles in 1999.
My brother and I moved there, and our car --
we went to Rent-a-Wreck,
where we rented a Ford Festiva for,
I think, like $400 the whole month,
which is a pretty good deal.
A Ford Festiva is a very -- it's like a box.
There's not much to a Ford Festiva.
No one at a car dealership has ever said,
"If you want a little bit more..."
"...I'd love to show you the Ford Festiva."
It had "Festiva" written --
That's how I remember.
"Festiva" was written in cursive on the side.
It was popular in an era where people wanted
to see the name of their car on the side of it,
and we had a Ford Festiva.
And I remember when we got it, the guy said,
"The only thing you should know
is that the windshield wipers don't work,"
and, you know, coming from the East Coast,
my brother and I said,
"That seems like a huge problem."
And he said, "It never rains in L.A.,"
and we were like, "Okay, cool."
So we take the Ford Festiva,
and I remember we stopped at a Tower Records
and we bought Randy Newman's greatest hits on cassette tape
because we thought it'd be super funny
to drive around in a Ford Festiva
our first week in L.A. blasting "I Love L.A."
in the worst car that money could buy.
And like our first night there, it poured rain,
and because we didn't have windshield wipers,
we had to pull over on the side of the road
and just wait for the rain to stop.
And there was nothing more depressing
than being, like, new, young actors in L.A.
sitting on the side of the road while you're hearing,
like, Randy Newman be like
[As Randy Newman] "From the West Side to the East Side."
We talked about the snap,
the Thanos snap, and we showed Wally --
a wonderful work by our graphics department.
I know I give the graphics department
a bit of trouble here.
Wonderful job by them of showing Wally disintegrating,
but then people said, "You know, the problem with that graphic,
which was great, is that Wally's cue card
would not have disintegrated.
Wally would have disintegrated
and the cue card would have dropped to the ground,"
which is true if the cue card wasn't a part of Wally.
[ Laughter ]
Wally's cue cards are to him what our arms and legs are.
It's been a part of him since he was born.
When when Wally was born...
When Wally was born, the doctor said,
"It's a boy," not because... he saw anything on Wally.
He -- And thank you for lending this to me, Wally,
because I guess your mom saved it.
He said, "It's a boy," because Wally was holding this.
A tiny...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Heard from the knitting community again.
Same lovely woman.
On Instagram, she like -- you know,
we're living in an era right now
where I think everyone's, like, worried
they did something 15 years ago
that's gonna come back to haunt them,
and I did a photoshoot years ago.
And she just posted this photo, and I'm paraphrasing.
She was like, "The [bleep]"
[ Laughter ]
Because I guess -- if we could go tight on the hands,
I guess that's, like, there's nothing about that
which is proper knitting technique,
and I'm so mad because I remember doing that shoot,
and they're like, "Maybe you could be knitting a blanket."
I'm like, "Guys, I don't know how it works."
And they're like, "Just do it. What's gonna happen?"
And I'm like, "I would just hate to offend those...
who, you know, honor this craft,"
and they're like, "Don't worry about the knitters.
What are they gonna do? Hunt you down?"
Well, they did.
They did, and as we've established,
they are foul-mouthed, humorless.
My Twitter feed is a cesspool...
because of this at the time, fun photo to take.
What else we got?
Okay.
GoldenEye -- I talked about the GoldenEye cheat codes,
and I guess a lot of people said...
I left out an "L."
I left out a solitary "L."
More than made up for by all the L's who pointed that out.
Had some "L" trouble in general this week.
We had a joke about Doritos, cauliflower Doritos.
Can we throw it up real quick, Alex?
You might be noticing... "cauiflower."
Cauiflower.
You know, how the kids say it.
Doritos is like, "We'll do it a cool way.
Cauiflower.
Broli."
"Me and my friends are going out for some broli. Cauiflower."
Not the worst thing graphics did to me this week.
Alright, so I busted pretty hard
on the graphics department yesterday
'cause we were talking about LAX,
and I was talking about one time,
I looked over in traffic, was so bad at LAX
that the car next to me had a skeleton driving it.
And the car was not what I expected it to be.
It was like an old...
Volvo station wagon, basically, and I gave it a lot of --
can we show it real quick?
Okay, so that's -- alright.
Take it down, because I want to say something.
I went after graphics hard, okay?
And then I walk offstage,
and Sal, who writes "A Closer Look"
and who is an honorable man, said,
"This is on me.
They said, 'What kind of car?'
And I said, 'Like an old Volvo.'"
Now, obviously, Sal is no longer with the show.
[ Laughter ]
But I felt bad, and I was gonna go down...
down to where graphics are.
You know, we're right now -- we're on the eighth floor.
Graphics is, what, negative 50?
You have to take three elevators down.
They're, like, buried deep in a part of the building
that you kind of can't believe exists,
and I was gonna go down there to apologize to them
because I felt so bad.
But then, you know, I read some of the comments,
and people said, "Hey, the car is not the problem.
The problem is you described a car stuck in traffic
at LAX, and they gave you a car
that was speeding ahead on open road!"
Let's take another look.
It's blurry.
The background is blurry,
that skeleton is driving so fast,
so you know what?
You're going the way of Sal, everybody.
Lastly, we were very happy to announce...
we finished second for the Emmy, tied for second.
[ Laughter ]
Very nice for the Emmy, the Academy to reach out
and say, "Tied for second, four-way tie."
Which is great, second.
We lost to "Carpool Karaoke," which I've said before
is maybe one of the greatest talk-show bits of all time
and a very deserving winner of the Emmy.
Like, it's so good that I feel like...
I almost want to, like, change the name of this
to, like, sound more like it,
if there was anything that made sense at all.
But I don't think there is,
and I also think that at the end, it's not about...
winning or losing.
It's about the jackals you tried to avoid meeting along the way.
But I didn't avoid it. I met you all.
And if I had won, it was going to be mine and mine alone,
but I do feel like we lost together.
[ Laughter ]
Also, people said,
"Hey, do you feel bad that you, like, really pushed it?
You had a lot of, like, 'for your consideration' stuff,
a lot of, like, FYC stuff."
I want to clarify, a lot of people said this was an FYC.
This is a Fine Young Cannibals mug, okay?
[ Laughter ]
This has nothing to do with... an award push.
So again, congratulations to everybody at "Carpool Karaoke,"
and congratulations to the other nominees.
And it's been lovely having you see me,
and I look forward to you seeing me again next week.
And in all sincerity, this is -- all jokes aside,
this is my favorite part of the week.
Thank you so much for watching, and we'll see you.
Well, I don't know. However you want me to say it.
You guys record yourself saying it and play it at the end
so that it's satisfying to your ears.
Each one of you different because you know what?
Jackals are like snowflakes. You're all different.
And you're also like the modern use of "snowflakes,"
which is you're [bleep] irritated by everything.
[ Laughter ]