Because I think we should just
be comfortable.
We try too hard.
Maybe that's the thing I'm getting at.
A couple of years ago,
I took a Greyhound bus
with a buddy.
And before we got on the bus,
he went into the restroom
and started wetting and combing
his hair in front of the mirror.
I was like, what are you doing that?
He's like, "I don't know.
"There might be hot girls on the bus."
I was like, you and me have two
very different bus strategies,
all right?
You're trying to slick your hair
back to look like Matthew
McConaughey to get noticed.
I'm trying to find a paper bag
to put on my head.
(audience laughing)
Right?
Because I think that's a tough sell.
I don't think there's any girl
looking for a soul
mate on public transit.
(audience laughing)
Right?
No girl's sitting there like, oh,
Jill.
Check out the guy with the wet hair
who can't afford a plane ticket.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
Maybe we could share an expired
strudel at the next bus stop.
Yeah.
Fingers crossed.
(audience laughing)
Not that I should act that I'm
above that.
I'm a vain person myself.
I recently actually got
a moisturizer that promised
anti-aging results.
Yeah.
So I put it on and ended up having
this huge acne breakout.
So, yeah, it works.
(audience laughing)
I love doing comedy.
I perform in a lot of colleges.
Yeah.
I love college kids.
They're like my favorite poor people.
(audience laughing)
Have you noticed that?
If you talked to a panhandler,
they're so depressing.
You ta-- if you give any college kid
a Frisbee, they're like, "yeah,
"Frisbee!
(audience laughing)
"Ah, let's do this!"
(audience laughing)
I know my biggest
scholarly achievement--
I actually made honor roll
in the 10th grade.
Has anyone made honor roll here?
Have you guys made honor roll?
(audience cheering)
OK, that's like six of you.
And the rest of you looking at me
like, never ask me that again
in public, all right?
(audience laughing)
All right I don't know if you guys
had an honor roll ceremony like I did,
but what they would do
is they bring all the smart kids
to a gymnasium.
And then they call us up one by one
and hand us a certificate.
And you know who our audience was?
All the dumb kids who didn't make it.
Yeah.
(audience laughing)
Take that losers.
This is who you're going to work
for one day.
How does that feel?
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
No one knew what was going on.
It looked like the bullies are
holding a draft.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
Sitting there in the bleachers
like, "oh, Harrison's grades are up
"this year.
"He's on my wedgie team, all right?
"I call dibs."
(audience laughing)
Do you know what sort of sucked
about that honor roll ceremony?
Is one of my bullies did actually
make the honor roll that year.
Oh, smart bullies.
That's like the name of a horror
movie.
(audience laughing)
Right?
He knew the right angle to stuff me
into a locker.
Oh, no.
(audience laughing)
Because I don't know.
One of my least favorite insults
the bullies will throw at people--
I always hate when people are called
stupid.
That's like my least
favorite insult.
Because I think it's unfair.
We're all dumb at something.
If you ask me to build a birdhouse,
you're going to see a lot
of mouth breathing.
(audience laughing)
I'm going to be sitting like,
I don't even know how to turn
on a hammer.
(audience laughing)
And that's why I don't like
the honor roll because you're
showcasing smart people.
I think it's very insulting.
I actually went to the principal,
and I argued about it.
I was like, why are you doing this?
She's like, "well, Mike.
"We just want to inspire
"the other kids.
"Think about it.
"You didn't make honor roll
"in the ninth grade,
"but made it in the 10th grade."
And I was like, yeah, because you
showed me who to cheat off of.
(audience laughing)
So thank you for that.
I really appreciate it.
I was very inspired.
(audience laughing)
I also went to a very rough
elementary school.
There's a lot of fights.
One thing I notice about
elementary school fights are they
are the most awkward fights I think
I've ever seen, right?
Because you always have to plan
the fight with the person
you want to punch.
Have you noticed that?
You always get-- because you can't
do it in class.
You'll get kicked out.
So you always have
that heated moment where you're
like, man, I'm going to take you
down.
It's like, "buddy, it's on."
Well, bring it.
"Well, you're dead meat."
Well, what do you say about 3:30
near the swings?
How does that sound?
(audience laughing)
Is that good for a punchy poo?
Are you cool with that?
(audience laughing)
Because I remember I once got
into a fight in the fifth grade
with this kid named Adam.
And we chose to fight on the hill,
the most visible place
in the whole playground.
Yeah.
So naturally, we got caught.
And for some reason,
I was surprised.
(audience laughing)
The principal came out.
I was like, how'd you find us?
He's like, "I looked through a window."
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
So you know what the principal made
me and Adam do the following day?
He made us do 10 push-ups in front
of every class in the whole school.
Yeah, which made us
so much stronger
for the fight that day.
Let me tell you.
We were ripped.
I was looking at Adam.
I'm like, is this a principal
or personal trainer?
This guy is good.
(audience laughing)
I know.
I do know a lot of friends.
They like to go to the gym just
for that reason, just to fight.
They always tell me, "man, I'm
"going to work out, be so big.
"I'm going to take anyone."
I was like, going in the gym doesn't
mean you know how to fight.
It just means you're strong enough
to get beat up longer.
(audience laughing)
That's all that is.
(audience laughing)
Because I'll tell you
one story about me.
I once did a show.
And I had a heckler.
Right?
Like you're size, big and strong.
I started making fun of him,
and he got so offended that he stood
up.
He started charging me right
in the middle of my show.
And I could be honest.
I'm really cocky when there's
an audience full of witnesses.
(audience laughing)
But as soon as I saw him charging,
I flipped.
I'm not lying to you.
My first reaction, I stuck my leg up
like this, and I did this.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
What a terrible time to find out
what my first line of defense is.
(audience laughing)
He's charging at me.
I'm like, this is what I got?
This is what I'm going to bring
to the table in a fight?
Oh, I am doomed.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
So you know what saved me?
Was his girlfriend.
Yeah, he had
this tiny 5-foot girlfriend.
Right before he gets to the stage,
she intercepts him, grabs him,
throws him against the wall,
and says, "don't touch him."
(audience laughing)
And the dude still tries to look tough.
That was the best part.
Standing like, man, you're lucky.
She's here.
I'd mess you up.
"Screw it.
"Let him go.
"I think I could take him now,
"all right?
(audience laughing)
"Just don't let that girl out.
"She'll whoop-- me.
"And I don't want any of that."
(audience laughing)
Because I know my favorite part
of fighting is seeing guys
try to intimidate you
before a fight.
That cracks me up.
They'll go over their fighting
resume, and they'll try to scare you
off.
They'll come up like, "buddy, you
"wanna mess with me?
"I know karate and kung fu. You don't
"want any of this."
(audience laughing)
It's like, dude,
I know where your crotch is.
I'll kick it, all right?
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
Have fun doing the praying mantis
where you're quivering
on the ground.
That ain't happening,
(audience laughing)
because my worst fear is if some guy
ever came up to me like, "dude,
"I know jujitsu.
"And I'm wearing a protective cup."
Oh my Lord, you are invincible.
OK, I don't know what I'm going
to do.