- All right, let's do something silly.
Let's do something like guns.
(audience laughs)
It's a divisive issue, right?
That's why you gotta vote.
It's important to vote.
One side is like, "Hey, Second Amendment, guns!"
And the other side's like, "Hey, we're children."
(audience laughs)
"Maybe don't kill us."
Right, and it's hard to pick a side, right,
'cause I don't, right?
It's difficult, it's hard, right?
'Cause I don't like kids, so it's difficult, you know?
(audience laughs)
I wanna support stricter gun control, I do,
but I also love rap music, so it's hard for me.
Have you heard how they rap about guns
in London where they don't have guns?
Have you heard, birding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
(audience laughs)
Booty, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
(audience laughs)
But a ting ting ting ting ting and a ting goes boom.
That's not, that's not a gun, Niles.
Bring ding ding, that's a landline.
Why do you have a landline?
(audience laughs)
It's 2022, go to Sprint, man.
It's not that difficult.
(audience laughs)
I also wanna support the Second Amendment
but the Second Amendment was written
in the late 1700s.
Do you guys know what was legal back then,
besides everything?
Cocaine.
Doesn't the entire Bill of Rights
sound like cocaine was legal.
(audience laughs)
The entire Bill of Rights is like
I can just say whatever the fuck I want.
Write it down Johnson.
Guns, everybody gets guns.
(audience laughs)
This is my shit, you can't search my shit.
(audience laughs)
But I have a solution.
I can solve the gun problem in this country.
I can do it.
You guys ready?
This is how we solve it.
I think it should be legal to get a gun
as long as it's the size of your dick.
That should be the law.
(audience laughs)
Not enough dudes laughing.
All right, I see.
(audience laughs)
I see what's happening here.
I'm not excluding women either.
Women, you can get a gun as long as it's the size
of the dick you take.
(audience laughs)
That's the, right?
Y'all get the bigger guns is what I'm saying, right?
That way when that dude shows up on campus and he's like,
"Oh, Kelsey won't fuck me."
Ping, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
Kelsey can be like, "Don't worry, I got this."
(imitates blast)
(audience laughs)
I don't know, man.
This country's fucked up.
We got a lot of fucked up things in this country.
We gotta vote to fix our healthcare system, right?
Yeah, it's fucked up.
This is how I know our healthcare system's fucked up.
All my friends have the same insurance
and it's GoFundMe.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, that's not insurance.
Anytime one of my friends is sick, it's like,
"Hey guys, we need $400,000 or Kyle dies."
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "That's your deductible?"
You know know what $400,000 or Kyle dies is?
That's a hostage situation.
(audience laughs)
We need $400,000 or Kyle's liver gets it.
Is this Kaiser Permanente?
(audience laughs)
Guns, healthcare, let's do something light.
Roe v. Wade was overturned.
(audience laughs)
You know, it's fucked up.
It's fucked up that abortion is illegal in so many states.
But you know what's not illegal is pregnant women boxing.
I don't know if you know this.
(audience laughs)
I know.
It's terrible that it's come to this.
I know.
(audience laughs)
Terrible.
By the way, before I continue this bit,
I just want you guys to know I am pro-choice.
I believe as a woman, it's your body, your choice.
I do.
(audience applauds)
Hell yeah.
Absolutely.
Right.
Exactly.
So you get to fight whoever you want.
(audience laughs)
You're not gonna buy that pay per view event.
You don't even gotta change the name.
You can call it Roe v. Wade.
You don't even gotta change...
(audience laughs)
You're not gonna tune in, really?
In this corner, we have Kelsey in her first trimester
from Arkansas and in this corner
we have Floyd Mayweather.
(audience laughs)
Right, it's not even that much of a stretch.
He already hits women, so...
(audience laughs)
Did I lose you guys at the fact?
Is that where I lost you guys?
(audience laughs)
Did that work?
All right, let's talk about the issues now, you know.
I don't know.
I found out something cool.
I found out if you drink pineapple juice,
it's supposed to make your semen taste sweeter.
Did you guys know this?
Yeah.
Couple people, couple people making smoothies.
All right, cool.
(audience laughs)
Couple people in there, Ben try it.
I don't know, I think it tastes exactly the same.
(audience laughs)
All right, the real issues, dildos.
Let's talk about it.
I saw my girls dildo, it fucked me up.
I didn't know what it was.
I thought it was a microphone.
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Oh, you're doing standup, too?
That's cool."
(audience laughs)
And then I read it and it said magic wand
and I knew exactly what it was.
'Cause that's how hard it is to make women cum.
You gotta learn sorcery.
(audience laughs)
You gotta jump on a train to Hogwarts.
Expecto petrocum.
(audience laughs)
And it fucked me up because she had a big one
and she had a little one.
I said, "Babe, why do you have a small one?"
She goes, "That's not a dildo, that's a vibrator."
I said, "What's that?"
And she goes, "It doesn't go inside, it goes on the clit."
And I was like, "What's that?"
(audience laughs)
And she was like, "That's why I have one."
(audience laughs)
By the way, I am seeing a white girl, which is fun.
We get to do fun stuff like go to Utah.
(audience laughs)
And she's converted me.
She's converted me into a white girl.
It happened.
I was at a coffee shop, I was reading the menu.
It said Greek yogurt parfait with chia seeds.
And out loud I went, "Ew."
(audience laughs)
I looked down, I was wearing a romper.
(audience laughs)
But I was talking to my black friend
'cause I have one and he's also seeing a white girl.
And I asked him, I said, "Hey man, does race
ever get brought up between you guys?"
And he looked at me, he goes,
"Yeah man, you know, you know, you know,
every time we hook up she's like, gimme that black dick."
And I was like, "No man, I don't know."
(audience laughs)
"You don't invite me, how the fuck would I know that?"
'Cause we don't get that stereotype, right?
Black dudes, big dicks.
That's the gold medal of stereotypes.
You guys won the Dick Olympics, you did it.
And the regular Olympics.
(audience laughs)
You won both Olympics and then white dudes.
White dudes have like Forest Gump, box of chocolate dick.
You know, you just never know what you're gonna get.
Right?
Life is like a white guy's dick.
You just don't know.
That's what mama always said.
(audience laughs)
But I did, I found out the stereotype about Indian guys.
You guys know the stereotype about Indian dudes?
No, 'cause there is no stereotype.
'Cause nobody fucks Indian guys.
Doesn't happen.
(audience laughs)
Not enough statistical data
and we're very good at that.
(audience laughs)
Honestly, I think it's why we have arranged marriages.
I don't think it's our culture.
I think somebody's dad was like, "Hey, could somebody
please fuck my son?
Come up please."
(audience laughs)
"He's a doctor, has a PhD.
Pretty hard dick, somebody touch, it's his birthday.
Come on please."
(audience laughs)
Even the Kama Sutra sometimes people are like,
"Yo, what about the Kama Sutra?"
That's a book of sex positions.
And I'm like, "Yeah, but those are just drawings."
(audience laughs)
That was one virgin artist in India who was like,
"Guys come here.
Everybody, guys, bring Sahil, everybody.
Guys, guys, this is what I want to do."
(audience laughs)
(no audio)