NOW, YOU KNOW, I TEND TO FOCUS ON THE BIG, MEATY STORIES.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SCRAPE TOGETHER THE LITTLE GREASY BITS
AND MUSH THEM TOGETHER WITH CORNMEAL TO MAKE NEWS SCRAPPLE
IN MY SEGMENT...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY LOVE IT!
MEANWHILE, NORWAY AND CANADA ARE FIGHTING OVER WHO HAS THE
WORLD'S TALLEST MOOSE STATUE.
OH, YEAH, THEY'VE BEEN FEUDING EVER SINCE NORWAY CRUSHED CANADA
IN OLYMPIC CURLING.
IT WAS BRUTAL.
TENS OF PEOPLE WERE BORED.
FOR 35 YEARS, THE WORLD'S TALLEST MOOSE STATUE HAS BEEN IN
THE WORLD'S MOST CANADIAN-NAMED CITY: MOOSE JAW.
MOOSE JAW, OF COURSE, JUST NORTH OF THE TOWN OF BEAVER SCROTUM.
NOW, CANADA'S MOOSE IS 32 FEET TALL.
BUT NORWAY BUILT ONE THAT'S 33 FEET TALL, WHICH IS SERIOUS
BUSINESS TO MOOSE JAW MAYOR FRASER TOLMIE.
HE SAID, "THE MOOSE STATUE WAS NOT ONLY THE PRIDE OF MOOSE JAW,
BUT OF ALL OF CANADA."
"NO IT WASN'T," SAID ALL OF CANADA.
( LAUGHTER ) SO WHAT EXACTLY ARE WE DEALING
WITH HERE?
HERE'S CANADA'S MOOSE.
HERE'S NORWAY'S MOOSE.
NORWAY'S GOT THE T-1000 TERMINATOR MOOSE, AND CANADA HAS
A PAPIER MACHE DOG FROM AN ABANDONED THEME PARK.
LAWR LAWR ONE PLAN TO MAKE CANADA'S MOOSE
TALLER INCLUDES GIVING HIM A BIGGER RACK.
OKAY, FAIR ENOUGH.
BUT MAKE SURE THE SCULPTOR KNOWS YOU MEAN ANTLERS.
MEANWHILE, MEANWHILE, MOVING ON, POPE FRANCIS JUST LAUNCHED A NEW
APP CALLED, "CLICK TO PRAY."
IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF TWITTER, WHICH IS PROOF THERE IS NO GOD.
AND YOU KNOW IT'S AN OFFICIAL VATICAN PRODUCT, BECAUSE THE
APP'S ICON IS THE POPE HIDING IN A BARREL.
HERE'S HOW THE APP WORKS.
YOU GO TO THE "PRAY EVERY DAY" PAGE, AND YOU FIND A PRAYER.
YOU SAY THE PRAYER THEY HAVE WRITTEN FOR YOU, AND HIT THE
"CLICK TO PRAY" BUTTON.
PRETTY IMPERSONAL.
IT'S LIKE GETTING YOUR WIFE A BIRTHDAY CARD AND JUST SIGNING
YOUR NAME.
BY THE WAY, LADIES, IF YOUR HUSBAND GETS YOU A BIRTHDAY CARD
AND JUST SIGNS HIS NAME, ONE DAY, HE'S GOING TO SEAL YOU IN
A WALL.
( LAUGHTER )
WHOA NOW!
>> Stephen: I'M TELLING THE STORY RIGHT NOW.
I'M TELLING THE STORY RIGHT NOW.
>> Jon: WHOA NOW.
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE REACTION I THOUGHT THAT WOULD
GET.
BUT I WAS ASSURED BY NO LESS THAN HALF A DOZEN VERY TALENTED
WOMEN ON THIS SHOW THAT THEY LOVED THAT JOKE.
AND SO I DID IT.
( LAUGHTER )
MINUTE.
BUT I'M VERY GRATIFIED THAT THAT WAS HORRIFYING TO YOU.
( LAUGHTER )
WAS CREATED TO HELP THE CHURCH "REACH OUT TO YOUNG PEOPLE."
REALLY WANT TO PHRASE IT THAT WAY GUYS?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S GOTTEN YOU IN A BUNCH OF TROUBLE.
OH, THAT'S MORE HORRIFYING TO YOU.
THAT'S EVEN MORE HORRIFYING TO YOU.
OKAY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE (BLEEP) I'M DOING ANYMORE.
MEANWHILE, MEANWHILE, JON BRACE YOURSELVES.
THERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT POTATO DEVELOPMENTS.
ACCORDING TO SCIENTISTS, RIGHT NOW, ALL OVER THE WORLD,
"POTATOES HAVE A FORM OF 'DEPRESSION.'"
YOU CAN TELL THEY'RE DEPRESSED, BECAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS GETTING
BAKED.
THIS POTATO DEPRESSION IS CAUSED BY "GENERATIONS OF INBREEDING."
INBREEDING, OF COURSE, CAN RESULT IN STUNTED GROWTH,
SHORTER LIFESPANS, AND ERIC.
( LAUGHTER )
BARRYMORE.
♪ ♪ ♪
, no.
You got a virus.
I have a virus?
♪