imagine feeling every single [ __ ]
thing or absolutely nothing at all it's
the altitude difference that hurts the
most
jumping off the cliff of joy into the
dark waters of depression and
the higher you climb the harder for a
pleasant rush suddenly you become braver
more confident you you're moving
mountains the colors are more intense
the music is beautiful the foot tastes
better the smells bring back memories
precious speech and impulsiveness
you're full of ideas moving on from one
to another and second your mind goes
faster than your body you can go on
without rest for days and then fall
asleep for a couple of minutes thinking
it was ours completely lose track of
time I felt like a goddess but
I already knew that there would be a
price to pay the people around you are
terrified that your next angry outburst
might be right around the corner a bomb
that could go off at any second you
assure strangers of your love for their
imperfections yet you ignore the people
that are closest and really care about
you you get angry over small things and
just keep pushing others away because
it's a fun game to see how far you can
bend them until they break that's those
control I don't care if you're heard all
happens to me
I'm the queen of the world
I need no
distraction you do things you'd normally
never do everything's clearer you lose a
bone you gain a pound you travel the
country and credit cards it's all about
pleasure
drugs dens jokes spending money its
aggression its alcohol its sex with
strangers and you fall in love with one
look one centered it's been fast and
fast and faster and faster and suddenly
someone turns the light off can you
imagine what's it like to lose interest
in everything you ever wanted to do
everything you ever wanted to be
you hit rock bottom where the waters are
pitch black you didn't sleep for a week
and I sleep all day
your friends your job your savings your
motivation your focus they all keep
disappearing one by one as they someone
is crossing them off the list until
there's nothing left nothing apart from
self-hate low self-esteem and all that
guilt and shame for what you did when
you were high on mania when I'm happy
I'm Way too happy and when I'm sad I'm
Way too sad there is no middle ground
and when life settles down for a brief
moment instead of just enjoying it you
keep wondering when will the next
episode hit when will I stop feeling
okay and I don't know is this just mania
or am I actually truly happy the thing
that scares me the most is that
[Music]
one of those days I finally find the
courage to end it stuck in the middle
still depressed but with the mania
energy to fulfill my death wish but I
fight back I I fight with the help of my
meds which I truly love and hate at the
same time but even though it hurts
sometimes and I know that drugs won't
let me feel at all i you know i i'd
rather have a one-dimensional life with
sparks of happiness and no real highs
then no life at all and I just know I I
know the illness would have the illness
would have claimed my existence a long
long time ago if I didn't try to control
it I know it's hard but please don't be
scared of me I didn't choose this
I'm just like you I'm just I'm just
trying to hold myself together just
trying to hold myself together well my
life is coming apart at the seams