(laughs)
- Well thank you for doing - Ready?
- this Dave, I put a bra on for the first time in 4 days.
Feels kind of weird.
- Me too ironically
(laughing drowns out speaker)
(giggles)
(upbeat music)
(claps)
- By the way my favorite part about all this,
is watching comedians think they are doctors.
Have you seen comedians on other podcasts are like,
"You guys this is gonna be a month,
then we're gonna get back out."
Like how do you know?
Comedians listening. - [Griffin] No
- People get a perverse reaction in telling me bad news
so yesterday I said, "I don't wanna hear anymore."
Like, give me any glimmer of hope don't just go,
"Hey, quick call me it's worse than you think, call me."
(laughs)
- I go, "I don't want."
I go, "December minimum, I go--
- No we're all just,
we're all just cam girls at this point, just call it.
- Cam girls knew it, no one knew it was coming
- It nailed it.
- Whitney a lot of stars are doing
different things to kill time.
Now its the intro.
Madonna's on Instagram from her bathtub.
♪ Come on ♪
(Shuffling drowns out speaker)
♪ Lets go at some fried fish ♪
- That's the thing about Covid-19,
it doesn't care about how rich you are.
It's the great equalizer.
- So she's singing from her bathtub,
no she's in her bathtub giving again,
why we're different but why were the same.
- Yeah
- It's a heavy speech but it's a little iffy from the tub.
(laughs)
Did you see it?
- I saw it and the best part about it is she was like,
"This doesn't discriminate like we are all equal."
Like bitch you're in a marble bathtub (laughs)
with rose petals you will die in a 20 million-dollar
bathtub we are not equal at all.
- She's already booked king Tut's tomb
for when she does passed away.
- Yeah she's quarantining way different from the rest of us.
You know now what I mean?
It looks real comfortable (laughs)
- I have to say, off subject,
I thought her tub would be bigger.
(laughs)
I guess tubs are the same size no matter how rich you are.
- No, she has smaller ones for the children she dates.
(laughs)
(laughter drowns out speaker)
- Did you hear in the speech she said,
"As I used to say at the end of my human nature-tour,
we're all in the same boat."
Does she think she made up that expression?
(laughs)
- As I used to say, I'm quoting myself.
- We're all in the same boat that shit's not yours.
- She might be old enough
that she actually did make that (laughs)
saying, you know what I mean?
(laughs)
(laughing drowns out speaker)
- And singing into her hair brusher are some of the
symptoms of Coronavirus.
(laughs)
- Did you see the one where she's singing
into her hair brush and you just see the lighting guy
in the background of the mirror?
That's following her around.
- What kind of narcissist has lights.
(laughs)
- You always looked good it doesn't matter.
- I don't know ,she did say though by the way,
she was like this is the great equalizer
and I feel like the great equalizer for everyone under 40
is not knowing who Madonna even is.
(laughs)
- Thank you.
- Too soon.
(laughs)
Too soon for poor Maddona, you know,
- Her boyfriend should be like--
♪ Like a virgin ♪
(laughs)
- Ooh, I don't mind that.
So a transcript of the 2016 phone call we
all have this transcript framed on her house,
between Kanye and Taylor Swift discussing usage
of her name in his song 'Famous' was leaked
and it vindicated Taylor.
Whitney explain.
- I (laughs)
I'm just, I don't think Kanye West is responding to any of
this news cause he's too busy
selling to his church followers
the cure for Coronavirus.
(laughs)
- Colloidal silver.
- He's got it out in Calabasa.
- I think--
- Yeah now we have to deal with Taylor Swift she's probably
gonna make you know nine more albums just about Kanye West
you know what I mean?
We have to put a stop to her. - This is really
(laughs)
- This is 'Watergate' for teenagers I feel--
- I know I should have said it,
when are we too old to make jokes about Taylor Swift.
(laughs)
- Lot's of sexual tension with Kanye
and Taylor I think they,
I think it's good she finally got the truth out.
- Yeah.
- This isn't real Wikileaks situation.
I don't know why it took six years for the story to wrap up,
but it did.
- Do you really think they have sexual tension?
I don't even wanna think about that.
- This is history I remember the day when I heard,
it was this Pearl Harbor and Kelsey Grammar
falling off the stage.
(laughs)
things got stuck in my head.
- When I was a U.N interpreter,
(body clatters)
Good lord!
(sighs)
(laughs)
- All right, let's move it along.
You don't have a commercial to save you.
Or me.
(laughter drowns out speaker)
- Or warm up guy.
- Well speaking of Kimberly it's the,
it's a big deal this is a thirteenth anniversary
of the sex-tape 'Kim and Ray J'.
- [Whitney] Right.
- [Griffin] Has it only been thirteen years?
Wow!
- Only?
- It's been thirteen years since we were introduced to our
greatest hope for prison reform in America,
by watching her getting railed by Ray J.
- He's really was Raymond Jaymond.
(laughter drowns out speaker)
But this just sex-tape is so famous Quimby's doing a reboot.
(laughs)
I think I'm producing it.
- (laughs) you're like, "Aargh and I'm writing it
and producing it".
- Oh man!
- And it's part of my overall deal like 'Quibi'
- You'd think they gonna have Tom Cruise and Blackface.
- What is it the fiftieth anniversary is gold,
thirteenth anniversary, pearl necklace.
(laughter drowns out speaker)
Gimme some corona content Kim.
- Yeah it came out thirteen BC, Before Corona.
- Wow thirteen--
- That's a new way that people talk.
- Thirteen years ago.
- It feels like it been longer that's what I'm saying
I think it feels like it's been like 25 years already
that this family has been in our lives
it's crazy that it's only been 13.
- I've never seen the tape, how is it?
I hear its good.
- People that's so why people like it.
People say they like it because it seems like she's
like never had sex before she's like, "What are you doing?"
"What's that?"
(laughs)
- The crazy part is since then,
everyone else is trying to do a sex-tape
so they can turn it into a billion-dollar business too.
Just doesn't work - And it's true
- It doesn't work for everyone.
- I feel by next year cause you know on Instagram,
everyone's showing more and more and people like,
leaking their own nude photos.
Any attention it's getting closer and closer.
And then that Only-fans Page people are going there
to do porn and it took
the quarantine to push it a little bit.
(laughs)
Just push it about a year ahead of schedule that they're
like, "all right let's fuck on camera, I mean we're here
we have no money, lets, yeah.
It's like, yeah - Poor amateur porn
- Stay in your houses!
Rolling!
- People are making porn in their house,
when they're not homeschooling their children.
- Yeah what are you supposed to do?
How are you supposed to do porn with your kids
in the background there.
You know in your one bedroom apartment.
You know if you're doing porn you're not living well right?
- This video was the first case
of sexually transmitted career.
(laughs)
- Which by the way have you noticed all of our friends
that are comedians the dumbest most alcoholic people we know
are homeschooling their children.
(giggles)
- I know, I'm like are your kids teaching you I hope?
- But you didn't go to high school.
(laughs)
- Are you teaching 'em street smarts?
How to not get ripped off when
they under pay you for middling.
- Teaching them puns?
Like what are you teaching them?
they just since this is turn into a conversation,
I am getting less dick pics than I thought I'd be getting,
in the quarantine.
Disappointed.
- Yeah, I feel like you would, but people are scared of
you cause you're so 'I am woman'
that you might not love dick pics.
- Look at her face she's like, "I love a good dick pic."
that's the face she's saying right now.
- I'm just surprised people aren't more bored
and like making little marzipan doll houses for their dicks
and sending them, I don't know, I mean,
I haven't got one. - Like the little puppet shows
(laughs)
- Yeah. (laughs)
- Ooh some people aren't?
- No.
(laughs)
- But I'm saying if you haven't seen this sex-tape,
don't Google it by Googling 13 year old sex-tape.
(laughs)
I made that mistake.
- (laughs) Was it a mistake?
(laughs)
- This is real bare-bones Whitney.
- Yeah no shit.
I know you're doing without a scrunchie.
(giggles)
- Let me see, some people here, oh yeah okay, ready?
Where would you like your hair in second?
In some people can't catch a break news Harvey Weinstein
got tested for macarona.
What the guy,
- [Griffin] He was trying to get it.
- Do you think this will hurt his career?
(laughs)
- I mean, to be fair he's looked like he's weared,
like been dying from some rare disease since like 1993.
(laughs)
It never looked like he didn't have this.
- Well, I think I think he was
trying to get it for sure because he's trying to avoid like
finding out what not having consent really means.
- His legal team,
asked to provide testing for thousands of houseplants
(laughs)
That's a legal thing it's not even up to him.
In related news R-Kelly has tested positive for Covid,
I think she's nineteen.
(laughs)
That's not bad.
- Yeah Covid-13
Except your dog in the backgroud went aaw.
- I know, there's like three dogs in the background.
- I know, your being attacked I think, are those wolves?
Too blurry they're quietly coming up.
- [Griffyn] My favorite videos are Whitney peeing
in her yard to get the coyotes away.
- [Dave] Ooh yeah!
And she's like, "Ooh my pee tape leaked!"
(laughs)
and then my pee leaked on the drive-way.
- Talk about weak-leaking.
Listen guys I feel like this wine scene
thing is gonna be the corona virus'
worst credit on its resume.
(laughs)
Thank you for coming in anything else you want to plug?
Whitney I heard you going to be in your kitchen later.
(laughs)
Eric are we gonna get the mustache back and then shave it.
- Yeah don't worry the mustache will be back, it's just
like it's not a finger it'll grow back don't worry.
- All right I want you to end with this joke you did I saw
it when you told your first joke about your nose.
- Well yeah, cause I have a big nose all right,
so when you have a big nose you only take pictures one way.
Just like this, and when someone says turn to the side.
(giggles)
- Yeah I like that one.
You guys thanks for coming on and--
- Are we gonna all do a rendition of the song 'Imagine'
cause I here that actually-- - I'll start it,
♪ Imagine all the people ♪
- Imagine you're made misplacing all your gold bars.
I don't know the words.
I don't think we're allowed to sing it.
- And I was like outta touch--
- Ooh yeah, but I do hear that it actually is
the cure for Corona.
- Whitney I like how your hair is like, its very 80's.
You know what I mean?
Like 'duran duran'
You know what I mean?
I like that.
- It's so puffy - It's puffy
- and you're not cutting it again.
- It's very dirty and I think
I am gonna cut it in quarantine.
I thought about shaving it.
- No ,look at, right like that
you look like Gal Gadot singing 'Imagine'
- Ooh yeah , its Wonder-woman I see it.
yeah I like it.
There it is.
- Thanks for the compliment.
- Its very nice
- She played Wonder-woman
All right and you're wearing a Wonder bra
All right we're gonna wrap it up and Whitney
next time we see you hair washed maybe.
- Doubt it.
- All right guys, I miss you
and I'll see
you again okay bye I'll talk to you guys soon miss you.
♪ Bye bye ♪
(upbeat rock music)