- People ask me-- - How is she doing?
- Is she gonna be around?
And the short story is we don't know
- 'Cause I don't want people to feel sorry for me.
I just want them to know who I am.
(bright upbeat music)
- Hey I'm Chelsea,
when I was eight and my sister was six,
my dad was diagnosed with ALS
and my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Unfortunately,
ALS is a fatal disease and he died
when I was in college.
And my mom luckily recovered
from breast cancer at the time.
Unfortunately,
it did come back over 15 years later,
this time stage four metastatic breast cancer
that has spread to her bones,
spine and sternum.
We don't know how long she will live,
but she's had some time to process
what it means to have an inoperable terminal illness.
I'm gonna talk to her about
what she's feeling,
how this is going.
I understand that not everyone has
a relationship like this with their parent who is sick.
And I hope this could inspire someone else
to strike up a conversation with their loved one.
Even if it doesn't feel super comfortable.
- Hi, I'm Susan,
I'm Chelsea's mom.
Here we go.
- When me and Courtney were six and eight,
you were diagnosed with breast cancer,
which was the same year our dad was diagnosed with ALS.
- Right, the whole thing was extremely difficult
when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
That just hit me like a brick wall
because there was a second parent
that had a serious illness.
- [Chelsea] How did you deal with your chemo
and your surgery,
your doctor's appointments at that time?
- So, I did go to my chemo appointments
and mostly remember going by myself.
It was a kind of a lonely feeling
because it seemed as if most
of the people that were getting chemo were much older
than I was.
So the whole thing was very peculiar,
just peculiar.
It's still peculiar to me.
This, I'm still feeling great
and I'm still technically not great.
- [Chelsea] What was the hardest part about telling us
that you both had diseases?
- It's really important to tell your kids
the truth and you usually tell them
the truth up to the point where they can digest
that information properly.
So you would tell a six year old information differently
than you might a 16 year old.
Dad and I called you into the room
and I told you both
that mom is sick and mom has a pretty serious illness,
but she's gonna be seen by really top notch doctors.
She's gonna be okay.
You both were fine with that news.
So then I kinda monitored your reaction.
And then I volunteered a little bit more.
I think that you have to allow your kids
to experience it whatever way feels comfortable for them.
Your dad would have been a great person to be around,
to help in that arena of things.
Your dad said many times,
and with tears that
the thing he felt the worst about
with his diagnosis is that he just wanted
to be there for you and your sister.
And instead he caused you
the most pain that he possibly could by not being around.
And I feel that same way too.
(beeping)
- I didn't know that that was
how my dad felt.
So I am glad that that came up.
So far,
I'm definitely getting
a different side of her than I would normally see.
(beeping)
Many, many, many years later,
you were diagnosed again,
this time with stage four metastatic breast cancer
and metastatic means it has spread.
So what was it like when you were diagnosed
with breast cancer the second time?
- Horrible, horrible.
It's just no other word for it.
Breast cancer is very resolvable if you catch it early,
that's why it's so important for people to get mammograms.
I had a tennis injury,
I play tennis a lot.
It never remotely occurred
to me that it was anything beyond pulling something.
When those results came in,
I just flipped out and screamed and cried.
I knew that once breast cancer goes anywhere other
than the breast,
it is metastatic breast cancer.
It is termed stage four.
It's not resolvable.
- [Chelsea] When you look back at your life
to what moments are you most proud of?
- I just wanted to be a mom
and I always knew I was going to have daughters.
I always wanted to have two daughters.
You know I,
I don't have a lot of concrete accomplishments
in my life,
but I feel really, really solid and really,
really good about how I've conducted my life
which is why if I should die tomorrow,
and I hope that I don't,
I'm gonna be okay.
Because the birth of you and your sister,
the most special,
magical moments I could ever,
ever imagine.
My kids are the world to me.
I don't feel bad in any way
that I don't have that special,
specific dream.
I just feel really good about who I am.
- So how do you feel that you have a daughter
who was very open and vocal
about your illness? - You know I tell people all
the time I have stage four breast cancer,
just kind of awkward.
And sometimes I bring it up just to stir things up.
Maybe I feel lonely.
So I want other people to know.
It's a way of relating,
but it's kind of not really fair
because I don't want people to feel sorry for me.
I just want them to know who I am.
It's good for me to cry.
It's good for me to be sad,
but I'd rather be eating chocolate cake
with the whipped cream.
I'd rather be painting.
You know,
I don't really want to be talking about this.
It's actually much sadder than I'm even letting on, now.
I want to be around.
I want to see you both get married.
I want to,
I want to play with your grandkids.
I want to babysit.
I want to be there.
So you can say mom,
we went just,
we just want to go to Hawaii,
will you watch a little,
you know, Jen, Jen,
or Timmy or whoever.
One of the best pieces of advice I could give anybody is
to kind of be in the moment
and address where you're at right here and now.
'Cause when I lived day by day and in the moment,
I just don't think about it that much.
But I also think about my diagnosis all the time.
So there's a dichotomy there
and it's really hard to explain.
Just thinking that you're invincible,
thinking that you're gonna make it through.
And just being honest with the people around you.
I mean,
it's just always there
and it's also never there.
So it's,
it's really hard to explain.
It's just not,
it's just not fun.
(beeping)
- I just wanted to say growing up
this was not discussed.
Seems like we have such
a free flowing open relationship about it,
but that took a lot of time.
Because I volunteer in grief spaces
and have been more open over the years.
I think it is allowed our family to have more
of an open dialogue than we did previously.
A dialog at all is very valuable and worthwhile.
(beeping)
If you were me and could ask you one question
what would it be?
- How much do you love me
and how have I made your life better?
And how have I made your life more difficult?
And how can I behave or do things in the future
that will be more meaningful to you?
- That was like five questions.
- You can pick your fave.
- I mean you dedicated most of your life to kids.
And I don't know that I would be able
to do that. - I gave you,
I guess love,
which is,
which was heartfelt and came naturally.
And just hoped that through that love,
you would evolve into caring,
loving human beings.
- What advice do you have
to daughters around the world who have a mom
with cancer? - I think it's
really important to not only laugh and talk this way,
but just to let your mom know
how much you appreciate them
because it's a lot of work.
It's so much work taking care of kids.
It's so,
I mean,
it's so fabulous.
It's so amazing but it's a lot of work.
So maybe a thank you. (laughing)
What makes me sad thinking
about my mom is I never told my mom thank you
for spending all these years taking care of me.
People sometimes just need
to hear those words.
So sometimes words matter,
but I do want to be around
for you and your sister.
Perhaps I will be. (upbeat music)
- Forever isn't guaranteed,
so taking the moment and not being afraid
to approach difficult subjects
and having difficult conversations with loved ones is
so important.
Especially when you don't know how long they'll be around.
If you haven't called your mom in
a while give her a call.
If you're scared to talk to a loved one about
how you feel about their diagnosis,
that is relatable.
And that is okay.
Take one little step at a time
and just remember that
there's no time like the present
to have these difficult conversations
and remember that you are not alone.
Okay that's all for that.
(upbeat music)