- You don't know what's in it.
It's like the most fun phrase.
We used to do ecstasy in high school all the time.
Yeah. Not Molly, not that pussy shit you guys do today.
We did Drano dude.
We did Drano drips.
(upbeat music)
- For me.
I started doing comedy when I was 13.
I discovered like, like I got really into drugs
like psychedelic drugs.
So that just exacerbated like the general existential wave,
I felt like I was peeling back the wallpaper
on reality and I was just seeing this very
flimsy scaffolding, holding everything up.
And I was just like, what is going on?
Like, you suddenly realize like, your parents are flawed
you know, your teachers are like, like lonely or something.
(crowd laughing)
- I remember being like,
Mmm, I think Miss Buchanan's lonely
I feel a huge amount of pressure to laugh at her jokes
and I don't know.
I remember being really stressed by being like,
why don't we as a society talk more
about the fact that the movie "Ants"
and the movie "A Bug's Life" came out in the same year.
(crowd laughing)
Surely powerful forces are at play here
and we're just not gonna address it.
Like what the...
- My wife's honest with them.
She's honest, a hundred percent honest all the time.
The other night we're dinner, I'm three drinks in
the girls go, have you guys ever done drugs?
I'm like, what are you fucking cops?
(crowd laughing)
She just goes, yeah, what the fuck are you doing?
She goes, you gotta be honest with them girls.
I smoke marijuana a couple times.
I don't like it very much.
Made me throw up, never smoked it again.
But your daddy's done cocaine.
I go, what the fuck?
(crowd laughing)
I don't think they're looking for recommendations, Leanne.
She's like, 'gon tell 'em, 'gon tell 'em, tell 'em
tell 'em the truth now.
I was like, okay.
I tried cocaine one time.
(crowd laughs)
I didn't like it very much.
Made me throw up, never did it again.
And I hear her fucking laughing.
She goes, that's a lie.
Your daddy's done cocaine a lot.
I was like, well your mom lost her virginity
when she was 13.
Go ahead and tell 'em that story.
Yeah
- Yeah. It was a gay cruise.
It was me and 6,000 other gay men from all over the world
and 32 very sad women.
(crowd laughing)
And it was so inspiring to me.
I have to tell you.
I've never seen so many different men
come from so many different walks of life.
So many different cultures.
So many different perspectives
and all come together and rally behind one goal,
which was to smuggle so many drugs under this boat.
It was truly unlike anything I'd ever seen before.
All my friends were there, the hallucinogens
the amphetamines, the opiates, everybody came.
I did almost get tricked into doing meth
on the very first night.
Yeah, I know.
What an amazing prank.
(crowd laughing)
Yeah, it was a very simple story.
Basically what happened is this is
I met these two gentlemen from East London
on the very first night and they were like,
Oh... I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna do it.
I'm sorry, I won't, I refuse.
But these guys, they were like,
Hey, do you want to come back to our room and do drugs?
And I was like, babe, we're at sea.
Let's go.
You know, like Maritime law says I must accept.
So I got back to the room and I was like,
what's on the menu?
What are we doing tonight?
And they're like, it's meth.
And I was like, oh, see, I was
I was sort of saving that one for my forties.
So I'm gonna go.
Leave that one for the bucket list.
And they're like, no, no, no, no Joel, it's meth.
And I was like, I know.
I just said no to that.
And they're like, no math.
And I was like, again, no.
And they were like, math.
And I was like, stop.
And they were like math.
And I was like this is the worst reboot of
'who's on first' ever.
I don't understand how we got stuck in this time loop.
And they finally had to spell it
out for me because of their goofy little accents.
They were like, no, Joel, it's M-E-P-H meph.
You don't have this drug in America yet.
And I was like, okay, hand it over
So, I did this mystery drug.
I had the time of my god damn life.
I danced the night away.
The next morning we port in Italy
I get service back on the old phone and I was like
let me Google this meph shit
and figure out why we don't have it in America.
And what I can do to bring it there.
(crowd laughing)
And I've got some good news
and I've got some bad news for you guys.
The good news is we do have it in America.
The bad news is, we call it bath salts here.
So it was sort of a lateral move for me in terms
of the drugs I did
and didn't want to do on the ship.
But here's the thing about bath salts.
You guys that you're probably not hearing about in the news.
The mainstream media is not covering this.
I loved it.
It's so much fun.
It is a blast.
Oh my God!
Everybody should try and in fact, look under your chairs.
- And so I wanna talk to you
about something really important.
And I, I know a lot of you won't like me talking about this
but I had something come
into my life that throughout my life I've always rejected.
And this has changed.
It has given me a...
weed.
How fucking good is weed?
I had no idea it was a drug that I just never did.
I was doing cocaine and all pills and all this fucking shit.
I never touched weed.
I was like, I'm might get a bit pack.
It's the fucking best.
I never want to drink again, man.
I don't wanna drink.
I much prefer being high.
I don't drink no more.
I'm high and dry, baby.
High and dry.
I get stoned.
I take an edible every fucking day.
I'm a fucking koala, man.
(crowd laughing)
So every day
I drop my kid at school and I take an edible.
Then I play Call of Duty for about five hours, right?
Play call duty and my wife will come in,
I'll be sitting there stoned, playing call of duty
and she'll come in, she'll walk and
she'll sit down next to me and
she'll go, do you wanna fuck?
And I'll be like, ah
Team death match.
And then she'll look up at me with the eyes.
I can't say no to her.
So I'm like this, now get outta here you.
And she's happy with that.
That helps her move on with her day.
- And I just was like, okay, I'll just work out.
But I never stopped smoking weed.
I was just like,
I'll just keep smoking weed while working out.
And I just got more and more anxious
and like working out more and more
and just being like, why isn't it working?
And like be like smoking huge hits of weed
and then going to the gym
and like huffing and puffing and lifting my two pounders.
And just being like, what the fuck?
Like why am I lifting these two pounders?
Like why am I even trying to change my body at all?
My body is beautiful.
Like I hate this industry that I work in.
They're trying to make my body
look like the body of like Billy Elliot
or something and just like fuck them
for trying to fuck with my holy life cycle.
And like patriarchy is fucking
with me so hard that I feel it in my spirit.
My spirit was in my pussy and my pussy hurts so badly.
This gym is hurting my fucking pussy.
And then it was like, why is my pussy hurting so much?
And then it was like, oh my god
I'm on drugs and my thong is on backwards.
- I like to be as stoned as possible when I sleep at night
Just in case anything goes down.
Just in case there's a burglary or an intruder or a rapist.
I wanna sleep through that attack.
I don't wanna wake up in the middle of the night
looking for a steak knife
or a panic button and fight off somebody.
I wanna slowly pass away while that attack is happening.
If Michael Jackson's doctor were still a doctor,
he would be my doctor.
(crowd laughing)
So I go to sleep, I drift off into la la land
I wake up to a sound I had never heard before.
Like a coyote was in my bedroom.
That's what it sounded like.
And I turn the light on
and I look and I see one of my dogs wrapped
around the new dog Hodor, like a shape shifter.
And at first I couldn't tell if it was Bert
or Bernice and then I realized it was Bernice
'cause she was still in a yellow negligee.
I had put her in the night before.
(crowd laughing)
and her eyes were bloodshot and red
just like Michael Jordan's in his documentary.
And she looked like she may have put
on a little lipstick too.
And she was biting Hodor's neck.
I'm like, oh my God, she's winning.
And I got outta bed, I grabbed my daughter
and threw her across the room into my closet.
And then I shut the closet door
and then Hodor's coming for us and I fought him off
and then guided him outta my bedroom door
and shut that door.
And then I go back into my bedroom and just collapse.
And I'm like, oh my God, I'm so high.
What? What was that?
(crowd laughing)
- Who were those people?
And then I looked down
and my breast was exposed
and my nipple was bleeding.
And I checked to make sure it was still attached
and I thought, I'll deal with this tomorrow.
- And so I got heavily into drugs
and like the bullet points are
I went from like psychedelics
into like the really bad ones.
I got kicked outta my house.
I dropped outta school.
Fast forward, I ended up in rehab when I was 19.
I went to a rehab day program for nine months.
A rehab day program for teens.
Objectively a bad idea, like, well in a way, right?
Like you get a group of teenagers together, all they have
in common is they love doing drugs.
Every day at 3:00 PM the bell goes and you're like
off you go with your new friends.
Run along, bond in the alleyways.
The only way you know how.
- I have an addictive personality, you know
I like to push it.
I do.
My tolerance for weed and alcohol right now is way too high.
I'm trying to bring it down.
My friend recently told me about a drug called D M T.
It's a very powerful hallucinogenic that's supposed to
give you a sense of what death will be like.
And I'm open-minded enough to maybe try it once or twice.
But I'm wary that I would never want to develop a tolerance
to DMT because what if one day I just died naturally?
45 minutes later I'm like, bro, I'm not feeling it.
What's going on man?
We're gonna get dead or not.
I can't just lay here all day.
This is weak stuff man.
Can you imagine being dead and unimpressed?
- So I've been up for three days on this, thank you.
and I'm in Berlin Airport on the way home
and I'm stood in the queue for airport security.
And I put my hand into my pocket to take out my passport
and instead, I withdraw a single edible weed gummy.
Oh dear.
I look around for someone to dispose of this thing.
There is nowhere in immediate sight.
For a brief moment and it crossed my mind for like a second.
I looked in front of me
and there was a child with an open backpack.
(crowd laughing)
I didn't 'cause I'm not a monster
and I couldn't distract his mom.
So I was like, reluctantly I think this is going to
have to go down the hatch.
So I swallow this thing.
Now I'm a little bit of a novice
when it comes to the old edible mari-ji-ana.
These things are incredibly strong.
It hit me like a fucking freight train.
By the time I was at the front of this queue
I was so high I could have flown home
without the aid of an airplane.
I knew I was in serious trouble.
When I was stood in the body scanning machine.
Legs akimbo, arms aloft.
I was like, why is it not scanning you?
It's not scanning you 'cause it knows
that you've got drugs in your belly.
You naughty boy.
I then realized
that the actual reason it wasn't scanning me is
'Cause I was stood legs akimbo,
arms aloft in a regular metal detector.
(crowd laughing)
It was at that point
that I heard a German voice shouting at me from behind.
(in German)
Now I'm no linguist
but I was pretty certain it wasn't the German
for "Have a nice day, the lounge is over there."
I turn around
the security official is pointing very aggressively
at my midriff region and shouting something in German.
I realized with hindsight, he was pointing at my belt.
He wanted me to take my belt off.
Unfortunately, I was so high I didn't even realize
I was wearing a belt for some reason.
In that moment, I thought that he was pointing
at my trousers and I thought that he wanted them off.
I was like, wow
these German security officials are awfully thorough.
But I went to a Catholic boarding school.
If a figure of authority tells you to drop 'em,
you fucking drop 'em.
So in the middle of Berlin airport
I began to slowly stop pulling down my trousers.
He did not like that one bit.
If anything, it made him even angrier.
He started shouting more.
He was like, "Oben."
"Oben." I've Googled it.
It's the German word for up.
As in pull your trousers up.
I don't speak German.
I thought he shouted open.
I was like, this is escalated.
The most worrying element
of this story is quite how compliant I was.
I thought in that moment
that a security official wanted to aimly cavity search me
In front of everyone in the airport
and I put up no protest whatsoever.
He literally just had to shout open once
and I was assuming the position preparing for entry.
Well if that's the way it's gotta go, Fritz.
That's the way it's gotta go.
Stick a pinky in there first.
If you would call me old fashioned, but I need to be wooed.
(crowd laughing)
(upbeat music)