Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
'I am Kela, second to Veena Tiara of Sico give you safe shelter.'
'I Brayha, second Moha Tiara of Councils accept your safe shelter.'
Unbelievably we have never reviewed a post-apocalyptic film.
‘I’ve never scanned anything like this before’
Well we’re starting with America 3000
‘Really dumb’
also the first movie we’ve reviewed from the legendary Cannon films.
‘But it’ll never happen again’
America 3000 is set in a post nuclear wasteland.
‘I never did figure out what a Reagan was’
and yet somehow the 80s.
where everyone talks in a strange futuristic lingo.
'I didn’t need heavy smarts to figure things were going cold neggy.'
'That means very bad’
Okay, if you then explain it in normal English, it doesn’t convince as a language.
‘Effing Woggos!’
And that’s not the only problem with the narration
‘Lakella the Tiara’s second was sharpening up her axe’
Firstly, I can see what she’s doing, secondly, that’s not an axe.
If you’re gonna unnecessarily narrate people’s actions at least get it right!
‘Taking charge, vena snapped into action’
In this world women and men live as separate species.
‘Plugots are what the Frals called us.’
Women are dominant, but still feminine as they call their leader...
'Tiara'
'Tiara!'
Men are mostly slaves and it’s very clear who the good guys are.
'You get the men and save the camp, I'm going to lead them away.'
For a world a thousand years after the US accidentally destroyed civilisation...
‘Soviet or warsaw pact missiles were fired first’
‘in compliance with standing presidential orders our computers initiated a total retaliatory response’
These people are weirdly patriotic.
‘I’m gonna follow the president’s command’
1000 years is a long time to cling to this stuff,
but it’s even longer to be unable to figure out the whole boy girl thing.
‘Man and woman’
The few free men dream of a world with
‘Just men’
I can see a practical problem with that.
The women have a breeding plan...
'This place was called Paradise Oil and Gas, where the Fraows made little Fraows'
'‘But if they had a boy; they threw him away like last years eats.’
I have no idea where male babies come from!
'Being Tiara is easy next to seeding.'
‘Seeding’s a cold act’
It’s not just that for 1000 years no one has noticed sex is fun,
‘We didn’t know what Ven and Coris were doing but the harder we scanned the hotter it looked’
no one’s noticed men and women are the same
‘Feel, flesh like Vena’s’
I really feel that after the 1st century someone would have noticed.
‘What’s a man?’
‘She was gonna find out’
Well that’s disturbing, but it does lead to the predictable conclusion
‘Maybe there was something men and women could do together besides fighting’
A sexually motivated truce that comes an hour after...
Friends dead, blood everywhere, but I guess after 1000 years I’d be pretty up for it too.
The question is; why was basic biology suppressed for so long?
‘Hot scan what I say’
Because women were in charge and; duh, women don’t like sex
‘Just lie down and close your eyes’
and of course they can make their own arrangements...
'And I'll pick up the pieces.'
But men? In the 80s?
‘Stop!’
So in a world ruled by women, relationships will obviously involve girls being tied to a bed.
'It's what my dream was, make it yours.'
that’s what sex is to women.
Incidentally, at the end these two hook up. And why not? It’s such a romantic meeting
‘Hot’
So unless you have a man in charge the human race is doomed.
‘I’m a man.’
'I'm a man;
Because if you’re gonna rule the world, you need a penis and rock music.
Oh, and vastly superior weaponry.
Basically, it’s the post apocalyptic movie Ronald Reagan would have made.
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