So you wanna be YouTube famous?
Sure you do.
You wanna make them YouTube dollars baby, Sleep with all them tasty YouTube fan girls
or guys and most importantly feed that unchecked ego of yours because let’s face it.
Your better than everyone else and they just don't realise it, Well you’ve come to the right place.
So open your ears and take notes because I’m gonna give you a comprehensive guide on how
to rise to the top of YouTube and most importantly do it with the least amount of time effort,
video creating skill and or talent in general.
Step 1 and a very important step on this list for starting out.
Be fake as shit.
Like really fake.
No like I don’t think you understand.
You need to be insultingly fake.
Some tips for hitting this fakeness sweet spot you need to aim for is.
Be way more enthusiastic than what is justified in your videos on any given event.
Like if your vloging and you see a bird perched on a wall your reaction to that should be
greater than if not equal to seeing pope Francis in black face.
If you’re doing gaming videos and you completed a level, You best react like you just found
out Margot Robbie’s vertical smile cures cancer and the government has commissioned
her to do door to door healing If you’re doing a…Whatever the fuck you
call these videos and you’re showing off a boring optical illusion you best act like
this illusion actually makes your parents not regret having you.
The key here talk and act like your trying to amuse a child that’s old enough to somewhat
hold a conversation but is young enough to be amused to by this noise.
This will irritate the shit out of anybody with so much as a pubic hair of intelligence
but that don’t matter because of my next tip.
Your audience.
Now as stated you don’t wanna target people with enough brains to see you for the fake
untalented, arrogant attention whore you are.
No best avoid them.
You wanna target an audience that’s very broad so you can get as many easy views as
possible but and here’s the key.
They need to be borderline retarded.
So you might be wonder what audience is broad enough but comes with low risk of ridicule
by said audience.
Why teens and preteens of course.
They are the perfect fan base for you.
They are easy to pander to.
The lack the social skills to know when someone is being as fake as a whores moans and best
of all they don’t see the difference between a video you’ve carefully crafted over a
number of days or weeks and a video you half arsedly shat out in in a couple hours, So
you can easily shit out video after video and they’ll eat that up like a malnourished
dog.
Now let’s talk about the least important part of your channel.
The videos.
As your target audience is going to be as smart as inflatable dartboard, You lack any
true creative integrity and making good videos is hard you might think that you have little
to no hope on ever becoming a youtube celebrity.
But in fact you my friend on already knee deep in the winning formula.
Forget funny well-structured intelligent or informative videos, Forget original ideas
and forget search engine optimisation.
The secret to youtube success that google won’t tell you is this.
Shit out as many videos as possible regardless of terrible they are.
It’s a numbers game.
If you can make 10 videos within the time it would take a good creator to make 1 video
then you have 9 more paths that lead to your channel than they do to theirs.
So that’s 9 times more potential views and subscribers.
Now the clever among you might think that having 1 video that’s better than all 10
of them combined would draw in more views and subscribers as nobody would want to get
on board with someone who puts as much effort into their work as a screen writer for a porn
parody and if this was a Hollywood movie or a piece of art in a museum you’d be right.
But a large percentage of the people watching your videos don’t have fully developed brains
and They don’t have money to pay to see your content as they don’t have jobs.
What they do have is a internet connection and an iPhone that mammy and daddy bought
them because that’s how parenting works these days and that is all you need to focus
on.
So in general the rule you should follow is put out as many videos as possible even if
they are as undeveloped as your audience.
So you’ve jotted down some easy to make low effort video ideas.
Or if you’re really clever you just copy and pasted what’s on the trending page.
Now your wondering how do I open my video.
How should I introduce every one of my awful awful videos.
Well here’s the thing.
Even though your targeting an idiotic fan base and you have the power of numbers on
your side with sheer quantity of videos that 1 good video from that one good creator we
mentioned early will most likely out rank your videos.
Now this is a problem, Because said creators video is in fact a far superior video to yours
as you well know and with naturally gain more likes and engagement over all as people generally
enjoy his or her videos and feel obliged to pop a like and or comment stating such.
Now your videos being steaming piles of semi digested vomit that’s not something you
can expect to happen with your videos.
So how do you get people to like your video?
They won’t like it once they’ve sat through it that’s for sure.
But that in and of itself is the beauty of this next tip.
What you gotta do is ask them to like the video……before they actually see the video.
YES!
That’s it.
Open your video and ask them to like the video immediately!
Don’t give them a chance to think for themselves.
Distract them!
Shout with all that fake enthusiasm you’ve learned “hit that like button” Make an
arbitrary like goal that they should try hit 1000 likes.
fuck it just beg.
Get on your fucking hand and knee and beg for likes.
Grovel, grovel like the snivelling desperate greedy little bastard you are…….hahaha
Beg You SLUT!!
So by this point your video should be finished
and ready to upload.
What now ducky?
You gotta get to work on your thumbnail and title.
Now your videos are boring uninteresting dribble with absolutely nothing noteworthy happening
in them.
So I’m sure your thinking putting a very clickable title on them is going to be quite
the daunting task and normally it would to anybody with a shred of integrity.
But integrity is something you needn’t bother your pretty little head about.
It’ll only hold you back.
So with integrity cast aside titling a video becomes quite easy.
All you gotta do is….lie just lie.
Make up something more interesting.
Instead of food shopping vlog.
Called it, cucumbers and mom – gone sexual.
Instead of eating the hottest pepper ever call it I never washed my hands before fingering
my girlfriend.
Instead of guess her age challenge call it try not to ejaculate challenge.
You get the idea But if you struggle with this a handy little mini tip is pop on over
to Facebook, find that one attention whore friend you have that posts intentionally vague
posts in order to have people talk to them.
You know the one.
They post things like.
“You can’t trust some people” “How could this day get any worse” or the ever
popular“ You won’t believe what just happened” Just copy one of those being sure to put it
in all caps with a handful of exclamation marks for good measure.
Thumbnails are equally as easy.
Take a picture of yourself with a completely over the top expression.
Like a face you’d never actually pull in public out of fear of been evaluated for a
funny house.
Put that to one side of the thumbnail with an oversized preferably red arrow pointing
to the other side of the thumbnail where you’ll have one of the following.
A scantily clad lady with censor bars covering her genitals despite the fact she’s fully
clothed.
A large YouTuber like pewdiepie or Jake Paul or even a combination of both.
And for the final touch put a big red circle around them because the arrow alone is not
enough and you want to make sure people see the thing you are already pointing at.
All is going to plan you should be starting to assemble somewhat of a sizeable audience
of a few thousand or so.
Which would be good enough for most people, But you’re not most people, You have a bank
account to fill and an ego to feed and you’re not going to do that with a few thousand pre-teen
girls…not legally anyway.
So you may be wondering how do I skip all this natural growth that will probably take
years and get a much larger audience that will somewhat satisfy me financially and stroke
my ego better than a wank in the mirror.
Well like any tip on this list it’s pretty simple.
All ya gotta do is befriend a YouTuber that has a much larger audience than you.
Make them fan art, Edit their videos, pester them on twitter whatever it takes.
Think of their channel as a big juicy cock and you’re a hungry hungry hippo.
Because if you suck someone good enough for long enough they’ll start to liking you,
and all going well they’ll want people to suck you off also as thanks.
Resulting in shootouts and invaluable exposure on a much larger scale than what you could
achieve on your own.
But don’t stop swallowing that baby batter just yet, You still got work to do and you
gotta keep them sweet…..for now.
Now time for initiate part 2 of this step.
The step that will launch you directly into the spotlight of YouTube fame that you have
been up to this point underachieving and undeserving striving for.
Because it’s only with a large YouTube friend and a sizeable audience this can be accomplished
this with.
What you need to do now is stay close to that new big YouTube friend and defend and encourage
him whenever needed, your friends and that’s what friends are for, Over time they’ll
trust you as friend and be more comfortable speaking there mind around you and consequently
leave you privy to information that they may not want the world to know about all the while
you should be making notes, why should you be taking notes on all the missteps your new
best friend is taking because- you’re going to fuck them with it.
Yup that’s right you’re going to make a video exposing them for everything they
did and said when no one else was watching.
It don’t matter how menial or meaningless it was.
Be it taking shit behind someone’s back (because none of us ever dose that) to sleeping
with a 16 year old….when they were 16.
Whatever it is it don’t matter.
This is YouTube and from pedo allegations to fidget spinners everything regardless of
what it is will be blown complete out of proportion and a sure fire way to get attention from
millions on YouTube is being involved in drama of any sort.
But not just involved, You have to be on the giving end of drama, You gotta look like the
hero in this situation.
You gotta be the person “exposing” the bad guy so by contrast you’ll seem like
a nice guy doing the right thing.
Though in reality your just fucking over someone who though you were there friend so you can
elevate your YouTube status, But most people won’t see that, They just be cheering you
on while your channel rockets to the top and their channel will bleed out like menstruating
stab victim, Don’t look at other youtubers and see people.
You need to see them for what they really to you.
Stairs to climb to the top and your gonna step on every step every step of the way.
And of course I’ve saved the single most important step for last.
This step will be the make or break for your channel and Without this step all previous
steps will are null and void.
Without this step you can dump out videos and beg for likes and pander to preteens all
year long and won’t see any growth.
So come closer… closer still, Are you ready to hear what it is that when combined with
all these other tips will result in the true YouTube recipe for success?
Ok what you have to do is........
be conventionally attractive
In hindsight of opened with that.