- I was gonna ask if I could,
if I could hit your button, but I guess it's too late?
- Honey, you can hit my button anytime you want.
- (laughing) Oh!
(upbeat rock music)
Hey, guys!
I'm Glamdora, and this is my new show on Crypt TV.
Yes, Crypt TV was dumb enough to give me my own show,
and I'm really glad you found it somehow.
Life is magical.
This show is a show for all of you out there,
whether you're horror fans or not.
Who gives a shit?
You're here, I'm here, we're all in this together,
and I think we're all the same, you know?
We have hopes, and dreams,
and kill lists, and a super fucked up family, right?
Every week we're gonna learn some lessons together.
(whacking) (moaning)
And this week's lesson is how to be happy.
(imposing music)
Here's a list of things that will definitely
not make you happy.
Asking for a follow back on Instagram.
Begging for an incubus to relinquish his grasp
on your throat has he submerges you in the lake of fire.
We've all been there.
Just make better choices.
Sorting Crypt TV's YouTube videos by newest.
(winces) It's it's not getting any better.
Guys whose only personality trait is, "I have a beard."
We get it.
Responding "Choke me, daddy" to a celeb on Twitter.
It's crazy how things catch on,
but I would advise against that.
Okay, guys, let's learn how to be happy
with our very first guest, James, AKA Dead Meat!
(horn blares)
My first (bleep) damn guest
started his YouTube channel in 2017
and has already amassed over one million subscribers.
He studied at the University of Michigan.
Here he is, Raw Dog!
(cheering)
- Uh, Dead Meat.
- That's what I said.
- Hi.
It's me, Raw Dog.
Dead Meat.
- What do you think about my, uh,
torture slash pleasure chamber?
- Oh, yeah, it's like kind of a Hellraiser type
walkin' the line there.
No, it seems very, uh, prepared.
- You seem like a friendly dude,
but how come you count kills for a living?
- Fake kills, yeah.
- You ever really killed anybody?
- No.
- Would you be honest in this moment if you had?
- No.
- So horror-- - Mm-hmm.
- What attracted you to the genre?
- I like being scared.
Ohh, see?
That was great!
Nice.
(chuckles) I don't know what that is, but all right.
- I was being possessed.
- That's what demons do?
- Is that what demons do?
You know I'm demonic, right?
- Yeah.
- What is your most favorite kill of all time?
Your top, number one most favorite kill
that you jerk off to the most.
- Sure, sure, yeah.
Uh, so I'd say probably, like, the Jason X kill
where he freezes her face in liquid nitrogen,
then slams it against the table, and just bursts everywhere.
(nitrogen hisses)
(smashing)
- What's the scariest thing about Michigan?
- All the unemployment.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- James? - Yeah.
- What're your dreams?
- Oh.
Uh, dreams like in general? - Yeah.
- I guess like world peace,
and people not being hungry. - Mm-hmm.
- And-- - Anything, like, attainable?
(sighs)
- What are your fears?
What's your deepest fear?
- Ironically, death.
- Really? - Yeah.
- So this how you deal with it.
- I think so, I think that's how I cope.
- You know we're like already dead, basically.
Like, this is like a (clicks tongue) and then poo!
- Oh.
- Not for me, I'm immortal.
- No, yeah, that must be nice.
- N'eh, it gets old.
- What was your least favorite century?
- 1300s. - 1300s?
- I was a nun, it sucked!
- Sorry. - Plus--
- What was your favorite century?
- Ooh!
Um, it was the last year of the Roman Empire,
was (bleep) insane.
- Oh, was it just like people running around like,
"Oh, God, it's all over?"
- Everyone was bleeding, cumming, and it was crazy.
- Yeah, it sounds awesome.
- Yeah, it was (bleep) awesome.
What's your favorite horror movie?
- John Carpenter's The Thing.
- Ooh! - Yeah.
- Why?
- Everything.
(screaming) (screeching)
It's pretty dope. You ever see it?
- Mm-hmm, yeah, I've seen everything.
- I guess that's a benefit of being immortal.
- What horror movies are you looking forward to coming up?
- I mean, there's that new Halloween coming out.
I wanna see if they can make a good Halloween again.
- You don't think they can?
- (chuckling) The series doesn't have a good track record.
- All right, Raw Dog, Dead Meat, whatever your name is.
We're gonna play--
- Where did Raw Dog come from?
- Do you know what that is? (scoffs)
- Well, yeah.
- Have you ever done it?
- Uh,
what's this game?
- We're gonna play a game called Glamazon,
where I'm gonna go through your Amazon purchases
and I'm gonna make fun of you.
- Okay.
It's just a lot of Blu Rays, dude.
- Blu Rays?
- [James] Mm-hmm.
- Why do you need Blu Rays when you can just stream shit?
- I'm a physical man.
- Prove it.
- (chuckles) Uh--
- Pretty much everything on the internet is public.
Who you followed, who liked your Instagram,
who watched your story, how much you paid
your drug dealer on Venmo.
But what is still secret is your Amazon purchase history,
until now, my friend Raw Dog.
Give me your phone, please.
(idle rock music)
So willing.
- Yeah.
- Dang.
- It's just Blu Rays.
- There is a lot of Blu Rays on here.
- I'm not lying. - All right.
- Oh, my God!
A black bath loofa sponge shower poof body?
- Mm-hmm.
- Why are there so many words in that description
that say the same thing?
It's just a loofa.
I don't use a loofa.
- You don't?
- If I bathe, I just splash out my, you know.
- Oh. - My (bleep).
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- I do a little more than that,
so I need a loofa. - Okay, well, good for you.
- What? - What?
- [James] Quit lookin' at my loofa.
- Quit looking at my face. - Okay.
- All right, all the Blu Rays,
we've got Sorority Row, Jennifer's Body,
Cabin in the Woods.
You jerk off a lot.
Okay, Maybelline dream velvet soft matte--
- Yeah, it's real nice.
- What is this?
- It's a makeup.
- You wear makeup?
- A little bit of cover, you know.
- We got a shit ton of batteries for all his sex toys.
- Mm-hmm.
- Blue adult indoor hairball control.
Now is that for your wife or your cat?
- That's for my cat. (cat hacks and meows)
- More Blu Rays, the Mutilator, Blood Rage,
Pieces, It Comes at Night, so does this guy,
the Devil's Candy, that's my pussy,
the Witch.
- A Foreman grill. (sizzling)
- Let's play another game.
All right, James.
- Sup?
- Let's play kill, torture, (bleep).
See if your relationship survives.
Kill, torture, (bleep)?
Smash Mouth, attorney general Jeff Sessions, Dennis Rodman.
- Oh, shit.
- Hurry!
- I'll (bleep) Rodman.
He's so athletic!
- Okay, who you gonna kill, who you gonna torture?
- I guess I'll, I guess I'll kill Sessions,
don't, don't come at me, FBI,
and, uh, you know, All Star has been torture for many of us,
so it's only right.
♪ All that glitters is gold ♪
- Kill, torture, (bleep), Busta Rhymes,
Shonda Rhimes, Leann Rimes.
- Damn, I'll, uh,
(bleep) uh, Shonda Rhimes.
- Yeah.
- And then I'll kill Leann.
- Which, why?
- Uh, just 'cause I don't want to torture her.
She didn't do anything.
- Knew you'd put her out of her misery.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then Busta, it's like, dude,
Halloween Resurrection.
Come on, man.
- Trick or treat, mother (bleep).
(shouting)
- Kill, torture, (bleep).
Me, you,
and that white guy over there.
- That white guy?
- Yeah, that white guy.
- Just to avoid gettin' in any trouble, I'll (bleep) me.
- We know, you love to (bleep) yourself.
You order Blu Rays, and then you watch who gets killed,
and then get off on it.
- That's right.
- That's right, you heard it here!
- And we have a rapport, so I guess just go ahead and,
well, no, are you into torture?
- I'm into everything, honey.
- Well, then I'll go ahead and torture you,
'cause that might be doing you like a favor.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah, and then I'll just, I'll just kill you dude.
- Yeah, sorry.
Sometimes things work out so beautifully.
- (chuckles) Yeah.
- What's your sign?
- I don't believe in that shit.
- Giggles, Look-See and the Birch.
- I'll fuck Giggles.
- How?
- What do you mean how?
- I'm just like--
- You want details?
- Yeah, I want details.
- I'm not a smut peddler.
- Uh-huh.
(chuckles)
Okay, okay.
Who're you gonna kill, who you gonna torture?
- Ah, man.
I guess I'll torture Look-See.
- How're you gonna torture him?
- Chinese water torture.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- And I'll kill Birch.
Just hack her down!
- Hack 'er down! - Whatever, man.
- Hack that bitch down. - Yeah.
- Let Shonda Rhimes watch.
(chuckles)
All right, well, I ran outta cards, so--
- You shoulda been more prepared.
- I'm ready.
(chuckles)
(gasps) That was incredible.
You were incredible.
Thank you for being my guest,
thank you for what just happened that we had to cut out,
and we're done.
- With the show?
- No, not with the whole show,
because we're gonna do a segment called Just the Tip
where I give you tips.
Just the tips, just little tips.
Better advice, it's advice.
I'm gonna give you advice.
- About what?
- None of your (bleep) damn business.
Here are a few every day ways
you can make yourself and others happy.
Maybe just spell your kid's name the regular way.
A-E-S-H-L-E-I-G-H is still just Ashley.
Don't give out that garbage unmarked
orange and black candy for Halloween.
If you're doing a sex scene in a movie,
don't just thrust it in there like eight times
and then finish.
And then she goes to bed without peeing?
She's gonna get a UTI,
and she definitely didn't cum.
Don't even offer someone a Starburst
if you only have yellow left.
It's insulting, you pieces of shit.
And that's Just the Tip, that's all you need.
Poof, you're in my living lair.
You escaped the bedroom! - Ooh.
- Yeah!
- How do you feel about that?
- Well, uh--
- You're a lucky guy, let me tell you that.
All right, so you're like an expert on horror film kills.
Is that correct? - Sure.
- So why is everyone so dumb in a horror movie?
Like, why don't you just get in your car and leave?
Leave the country, get out of there.
- It's a good question, it sucks.
- Yeah, okay?
Another dumb thing people do in horror movies
is they're like, "No, honey, it's just the wind."
You know what I mean? - Mm-hmm.
- It's never just the wind.
It's never just the wind.
Except for in this game, sometimes it is just the wind.
This is the game called Just the Wind.
- Ooh.
- All right, here's how this is gonna go.
When I hit my little button, you're gonna hear a noise.
It's either gonna be the wind,
or it's gonna be something else.
You have to tell me if it's the wind
or if it's something else.
- Simple enough.
- Simple enough I say, too.
(giggles) - Mm-hmm.
- Okay!
Are you ready to go?
- Yeah!
(chainsaw revs)
Well, that's a chainsaw.
- Hell, yeah, that's a chainsaw!
- (chuckles) Yeah.
- Let's hear it again.
(chainsaw buzzes)
Here's the next one.
(eerie music) (inexplicable noises)
Tell me exactly what that is.
- Sinister deep throating?
- Ho my God,
you are the smiliest sex freak
I've ever met in my life.
All right, no, that is Shelley from Crypt TV.
(wet chopping)
Here's the next one.
♪ Woo, I don't need a hand to hold ♪
- So that was like one of your torture devices, right?
Within the fires of hell?
- You think I torture people with G-Easy?
- (chuckles) Yeah.
- All right.
I don't give away all my secrets.
Next!
(blowing)
- That's like a baby monitor
when there's a ghost in the room,
and you're like, "Oh no,
"my baby's in danger from a ghost!"
- No, honey, it's just the wind! (snickers)
- [Borat] Wah-wah-wee-wah, it's very nice!
Wah-wah-wee-wah, it's very nice!
- That's, uh, that's Borat.
- Yeah. Or is it the wind pretending to be Borat?
- No, it's just Borat, yeah. - No, it's just Borat, okay.
(door creaks)
(growling breathing)
- (chuckles) That kinda sounded like an alien.
- Well, it's not an alien.
It's Troubled Youth, only on Crypt TV.
- Oh, okay, the dog one.
(snarling)
- Yeah.
Next.
(blowing)
- That's just the wind.
- That's just the wind!
- Nice!
- Give yourself a round of applause.
- Man, I was gonna ask if I could,
if I could hit your button,
but I guess it's too late?
- Honey, you can hit my button anytime you want.
- (chuckles) Oh!
- Well, my friend, you did terribly,
yet you still won the opportunity to plug anything you want.
Anything you want at all, you get this time to plug.
As long as it's for Crypt TV.
Jesus Christ.
So you have to plug something from Crypt TV.
- Well, it is from Crypt TV!
- Oh, thank (bleep) God!
- Yeah, ha-ha!
I'm in Look-See season two,
which is an awesome web series.
And in fact, it's so awesome,
here's an exclusive sneak peak at it!
(creaking)
(eerie, ambient music)
(other-worldly screeching)
(spooky, menacing music)
So that is coming soon on Crypt TV.
Make sure you watch it!
I'm in it.
- It's not that the only thing
that's coming soon on Crypt TV.
- Oh, what else?
- Thanks for coming by, Dead Meat,
AKA James, AKA Raw Dog.
Now go make more videos about how awesome we are.
- Okay.
- [James] Should I just--
- Go.
I have shit to do.
- Is there like a gift bag, or--
- (bleep) No. - Okay.
- The gift bag is you not bleeding out
all over my couch right now, you (bleep).
Wowee, can you believe it's almost the end
of my first YouTube show
about how to be happy,
that theme we deeply explored
throughout the episode entirely?
Wow, I sure have learned a lot,
not only from my gorgeous guest,
but also from scouring all of the internet
in literal seconds.
I'm a magical demon, may I remind you.
So here's some tips on how to be happy.
Run away when things get difficult.
Blame your problems on others,
they're 100% trying to sabotage your happiness.
Always become angry and defensive
when someone offers help.
Never communicate, always assume.
Well, there you have it.
Come back next week for more important life lessons,
awesome guests that will leave here
and immediately fire their agents
for not telling them that most of my questions
are about weird sex stuff.
My name's Glamdora, by the way.
I think I mentioned, that's probably on screen somewhere.
Anyway, curb stomp that like button,
felch that subscribe button,
and don't look that last word up.
See you next time, Abra-glam Lincolns.
Who writes this sh--
(ambient music)
- [Narrator] Watch new scary vids every Tuesday,
Thursday and Friday.
(energetic electronic music)