-You're watching NBC.
From the Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts
in Florida, it's the third Republican debate.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Good evening.
I'm Lester Holt,
and welcome to the Republican kids table debate.
Let's meet the candidates.
Former New Jersey governor Chris Christie.
-My wife said I could try this one more time.
-Former U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley.
-Excited to look good in comparison.
-Florida governor and owner
of the world's most upsetting smile, Ron DeSantis.
[ Laughter ]
Entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy.
-I'm gonna talk a lot tonight.
-And finally, South Carolina Senator Tim Scott.
-Oh! Is that me?
-It is. -Oh.
-Let's get to the questions.
Mr. Ramaswamy, if elected,
what would you do on your first day in office?
-I'd like to begin by not answering your question,
and instead use this platform to say her daughter is on TikTok.
-Keep my daughter's name out of your voice!
-Almost said that right.
Mr. Scott, anything you'd like to add?
-I have a girlfriend.
-Okay. -Listen.
About her, she's real, and I know her,
and she is my girlfriend, and we met through dating,
and for her, I feel a real sense of human love.
-Got it.
Now, former President Trump is leading in the polls with 56%.
Ambassador Haley, why should voters consider you instead?
-Look, he was the right choice in 2016,
but we need to move on.
I promise you one of us on this stage tonight
will be the Republican nominee for president.
-How adorable.
They actually think they've got a chance.
Sad in some ways, but in other ways, funny.
Can you believe it, folks?
91 indictments, 4 trials, and I'm still the best choice.
Now they're all stuck behind me,
and there's nothing they can do about it,
just like in real life.
3%, 8%, 14%, 5%.
[ Scoffs ] And how about poor Tim Scott, huh?
1%. Very low.
Lower than, frankly, milk.
[ Laughter ]
Apparently, there's a milk lower than 1%.
People are calling it skim.
We've never had it.
We don't drink it.
But we like Skim Scott. We love him.
And his girlfriend.
Not a lot of chemistry between those two, right?
They make me and Melania look like Taylor and Travis.
[ Laughter ]
And how about Vivek Ramaswamy?
We like to say "Ramaswamy," but do we like him?
He makes it hard, doesn't he, folks?
This kid -- he checks a lot of boxes.
He's rich. He's rude. He's got weird hair.
He's a lot like me except for one thing that matters a lot
to my horrible, horrible base --
white.
Sad he's going nowhere.
And look who "SNL" has playing him.
Poor Ego.
[ Laughter ]
You don't like it. She doesn't like it.
She used to be Lisa from Temecula.
Now she's Vivek from Ramaswamy.
And look who they got playing Meatball Ron.
One of the "Destroy" boys.
Ron's watching at home like, "Who the hell is that?"
Poor Ron DeSantis.
Even "SNL" doesn't think he has a chance.
If they did, it'd be like Paul Rudd
or something in there, right?
[ Laughter ]
And how about Nikki Haley, right?
I call her "birdbrain," but only in public.
She made some terrible points in that debate.
I think -- I don't really know.
I have trouble hearing women over 25.
[ Laughter ]
But, uh, let's be honest.
We're not going to have a president whose name is Nikki.
President Nikki -- just doesn't sound right.
Probably because it's a woman's name.
[ Laughter ]
And how could we forget Chris Christie?
It's actually pretty easy.
You just walk away.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Isn't it sad, folks?
None of them can beat Joe Biden,
the worst president since, frankly, me.
[ Laughter ]
Joe Biden -- he's so old.
The mentals are clearly in decline.
[ Breathes sharply ] And I am losing it, also.
You're seeing it all the time.
We're seeing it a lot. [ Chuckles ]
I say things like, "I'm beating Obama."
That's not right, but I say it.
It's fun.
And they say, "Why aren't you at the debate, Mr. Trump?"
"Where's Trump?"
But I couldn't be at the debate because I'm very, very busy.
I'm going from trial to trial.
I'm basically doing "House Hunters,"
but with courtrooms.
But how horrible are these trials?
Making all my children testify against me.
My sweet little middle-aged criminal children.
[ Laughter ]
So awful to bring in the family.
It'll be very sad when I pin it all
on one of them -- probably Eric.
[ Laughter ]
Wow.
Look at them back there -- still frozen,
trying not to blink, trying not to move.
Stuck onstage while I cook.
[ Laughter ]
But they're after me, folks. They're coming after me.
They're saying I committed fraud.
Not true, okay? Not true.
I've committed a lot of things --
adultery, treason, a lot of fraud perhaps --
but I've been on my best behavior in court.
The judge asks, "Did you approve these financial reports?"
And I very respectfully say,
"You're a dumbass. This is a sham.
When I'm president again, I'll have you executed."
[ Laughter ]
They're not big fans, especially Tish James,
attorney general who is very racist.
The worst kind of racism --
racism against whites.
After everything we've done for the world
in terms of "Airplane!" and with regard to Beach Boys.
[ Laughter ]
So that concludes the debate, and that's probably a wrap
on some of these impressions, as well.
[ Laughter ]
Look at Ego -- so relieved.
Anyway, I'll pick one of these lucky five to be my VP,
or, in many ways, I will not at all.
Maybe in my third term.
And live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"!