♪ Yo, Pete ♪
♪ You my favorite, psych I lie ♪
♪ Matter of fact, since you left the show, it's been pride ♪
♪ I'ma tell you like this ♪
♪ I stay high ♪
♪ They need to change your show's name to ♪
♪ Saturday Night Died ♪
(audience gasps)
(bell dings)
♪ Hey Nick, it's an honor to be here to perform ♪
♪ With the hottest new star of 2004 ♪
(audience cheers)
(bell dings)
- [Nick] Sherry Cola.
- Are you cold, baby?
Are you cold, baby?
(audience cheers)
- Take all the time you want, Sherry.
- It's movie night, are you ready?
- Yep.
♪ This Asian girl put a bun ♪
♪ She's ready to defeat the Hun ♪
♪ She's looking at her reflection ♪
♪ She pretends she has an erection ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ Hides her boobs and her pants are sagging ♪
♪ There was a reboot but no dragon ♪
(audience laughs)
- Mulan?
(audience cheers)
- Give me my jacket back!
(audience cheers)
- Say it with me, we gonna go first.
Say it with me y'all.
♪ Wild Star ♪
♪ We all said we gotta stop Asian hate ♪
♪ They ain't say I couldn't have an Asian mate. ♪
♪ I'm trying to take you on an Asian date ♪
♪ And put my whole face in your Asian plate ♪
- Woo.
- Whoa.
- The Asian plate?
My Asian plate plate?
- The whole plate.
- Listen, listen.
First of all, it's an honor to be here.
First of all to me, to me Wild'N Out,
it's kinda like the Oprah show, maybe,
every woman even in here is leaving with a baby.
- You too.
You get a baby, you get a baby.
- We'll take it.
We'll take it
I gotta have her back one time.
Don't disrespect Mimi, okay?
She's doing great.
If you and I ain't kiss, we can stop Asian hate.
Justina, Justina, you're cute baby.
You're real cute.
Listen, I'm turned on by white girls with red hair.
You got me weak in the knees.
You look like a hot Cheeto dipping cream cheese.
It's my hot, it's my favorite hot snack.
- Wait, hold on
Hold on, hold on Sherry.
Your rapping, it really got me disgusted.
You didn't make Crazy Rich Asians
'cause you're broke and you're busted.
And now I really can't fake it
'cause after your performance today,
I see why she didn't make it.
(audience cheers)
♪ Who we introducin' ♪
♪ This my cousin Ricky ♪
♪ when he walk he hurt his knees ♪
♪ You see him in the Nutty Professor goin' Hercules ♪
(audience cheers)
♪ At the family reunion, who we introducin' ♪
- The answer is, "A mother from the hood would say this".
(buzzer sound)
- You gonna boil them hot dogs up
and you go shut the (bleep) up.
(audience laughs)
- Boy your ass look like you were a Chucks out
when you go swimmin, ugly ass.
(audience laughs)
- With them Louis sneakers and them cornrows
your whole package is funky.
- Okay?
- Okay.
But you happen to look
like Lamar Jackson if he was a monkey.
(audience cheers)
- All right, look.
When your ass played In Living Color,
it wasn't even color on the television.
Ugly ass.
(audience laughs)
♪ Everybody just black and white ♪
(audience laughs)
(whistle blows)
- Tommy, you out.
- [Nick] Goddamn.
- There you go ladies and gentlemen,
from the Queen Latifah Fall Line.
It's not Stephanie, its Hephanie.
(audience laughs)
- You're starting point guard for the New York Liberty.
(audience laughs)
- This is the stupidest thing I've heard all year.
(buzzer sound)
- What is, All Lives Matter?
(audience cheers)
- Why don't I?
Hold out a gang (bleep)
Boot that Gang.
(audience cheers)
(bell dings)
♪ Huh, huh ♪
♪ Aye, yeah ♪
♪ Gary Owen, everybody know him ♪
♪ They know that he never be flowing ♪
♪ but they do know he got them jokes ♪
♪ And he get love from black and white folks ♪
♪ Yeah and it's definitely in that order ♪
♪ But I bet y'all didn't know he was a Trump supporter ♪
(audience cheers)
- Nick, I've known you since you was
a little kid in San Diego.
- True.
- But I got a secret.
I was dating your mom when you was playing with Legos.
(audience cheers)
- Gary, I got some for you.
♪ Ayo, I wish y'all may and I wish I might ♪
♪ Have this wish that I wish tonight ♪
♪ No matter where we hang, no matter how we act, ♪
♪ You and me Gary are not black ♪
- It's true.
- I can relate, I get it.
(everyone laughs)
- You got me confused.
I'm down with the swirl.
I would talk to you but I don't talk to white girls.
(audience cheers)
- What a roast.
- If you don't get your,
look up Marly say cheese the (bleep) up outta here.
- If you don't get your weird outfit ass out here,
It look like you sit knees first.
(bleep) on the couch lookin.
(audience cheers)
(whistle blows)
- You, out.
- [Audience] Wild'N!
♪ Clap your hands y'all ♪
♪ clap your hands y'all ♪
♪ Yo, back in the day when I was young, ♪
♪ I'm not a kid anymore ♪
♪ What the Days I'm sitting and wish I was a kid again ♪
♪ You ain't been funny since the Sixth Man ♪
♪ And that used to say we look alike ♪
♪ But you look like me if I was 60 and on the pipe ♪
(audience cheers)
♪ Now, a one hitter quitter, ♪
♪ Your outfit look like you fell in stripper glitter ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ Okay, look, look, ♪
♪ Marlin in the house but you know it's the bummer ♪
♪ We all know Sean's the most talented brother ♪
♪ So in this battle, it's one thing I gotta say to you ♪
♪ You played a white chick ♪
♪ and now a white chicks playing you ♪
(audience cheers)
- [Nick] Uh-oh.
♪ I'ma say it like this without no frustration ♪
♪ You look like you fell in some damn menstruation ♪
(bell dings)
- [Nick] That's nasty.
Get him guy.
(audience cheers)
- [Host] Get him.
- It's incredible.
(everyone laughs)
I can't come to the phone right now
'cause a Wild'N Out girl is rubbin' my feet.
(everyone laughs)
But serious, I wanna get some stuff off
my chest so press one.
Please buy my music.
(everyone laughs)
You can buy it by pressing one and part two,
press two please, so you can sing along to Jigalo.
(everyone laughs)
(audience claps)
(voicemail beep)
- You have reached the voicemail of a giant.
(audience laughs)
I am the owner of the billion dollar Big Baller brand.
All 15 of my sons play in the NBA.
I made millions of dollars playing
against Michael Jordan for two seconds.
(audience claps)
Thank you. I appreciate it.
(audience cheers)
- I think you should just take it from the beginning.
- Okay. Okay.
(voicemail beep)
- Well.
(audience laughs)
This is Ed.
What am I supposed to do on this thing?
(audience laughs)
- Supposed to say the line.
Yo, say the line.
- Uh, no.
- They called Good Burger.
They want to know about the special sauce.
Say the line.
- Oh, oh, welcome to Good Burger, welcome to Good Burger.
Can I take your order?
(audience cheers)
(bell dings)
- [Nick] Yo, keep it good for Keenan and Kel.
(audience cheers)
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You work at Starbucks?
- No.
- Because I like you a latte.
(everyone laughs)
♪ This my cousin Curtis ♪
♪ And he came up from the dirt ♪
♪ Chris Brown gave him his braid ♪
♪ And Cameron gave him his shirt ♪
♪ At the family reunion, who we introducin'? ♪
- Hey, you do like this?
Yeah.
♪ Ever since all that I've been bouting flows ♪
♪ Y'all want to hear me do a rap? ♪
♪ Then oh, here it go ♪
♪ Like my man Kel, I love pouring soda ♪
♪ And I'm a keep on rolling ♪
♪ Like I'm on this coast ♪
♪ So Ima freestyle and you know I'm the man ♪
♪ Y'all gotta give it up for Detective Dan ♪
♪ And I'm gonna keep on doing it 'cause I'm in the mood ♪
♪ My man Keenan told me y'all was a super dude ♪
♪ But I keep it popping yo ♪
♪ I keep it hot, yeah ♪
♪ Laurie Beth what's your vital thought? ♪
♪ And I just go and keep on rhyming ♪
♪ Nick Cannon is perfect ♪
♪ I could do it every time man ♪
(audience cheers)
♪ Nick, you out here trying to make me look like a dummy ♪
♪ But we y'all know you run that wasn't funny ♪
♪ I'm out here I'm getting my money ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I still work for Nick, Nick, Nick ♪
♪ Me too ♪
♪ And y'all work for Nick, Nick, Nick too ♪
♪ Only difference, I ain't shot no ♪
(everyone cheers)
- Jesse Jackson.
(everyone cheers)
(phone line rings)
- Uh, yes. This is Jesse.
Uh, tell Barack Obama I'm gonna whoop
his mother (beep) ass when I see him.
(audience cheers)
- Being Katt Williams.
I used to be short.
(audience laughs)
Now I feel tall.
All the (bleep) I've ever liked,
I've slept with 'em all.
(audience laughs)
Thank you.
(bell dings)
(audience cheers)
- Possible Instagram names for Nick Cannon.
(audience cheers)
- Don't do that.
Okay, uh, what is a midlife crisis?
(audience cheers)
- Drop the beat.
♪ Uh, uh, clap your hands y'all clap your hands y'all ♪
♪ Hey yo Pete you my favorite, psych I lie ♪
♪ Matter of fact, since you left the show, it's been pride ♪
♪ I'm gonna tell you like this ♪
♪ I stay high ♪
♪ They need to change your show's name ♪
♪ to Saturday Night Died ♪
(audience cheers)
♪ Hey Nick, it's an honor to be here to perform ♪
♪ With the hottest new star of 2004 ♪
(audience cheers)
- Bye.